Crush

20:23 [Sakuya] Can I call you?

20:35 [Sakuya] (voice message) Hey again. It’s alright if you don’t want to talk. I talked to Haruki and he was surprised that I knew, but he promised me he would leave you alone. That’s all, I just wanted to tell you. Anyway, we’ll be away for the next MV shoot for a week, and I just wanted to ask if it’s okay if I still message you. I still think you’re cute. Okay that’s it, bye. Good night.

Kana stared at her phone. She replayed the voice message. It made sense Sakuya would try to be diplomatic, seeing that his current career was reliant on cooperation with his band members. Still, if Haruki hadn’t lied, that at least was a good thing. She couldn’t see him again.

And then there was Sakuya. He really was cute. Maybe it was the kinship she felt with him on that first day, maybe it was his messages, but he intrigued her. After all, he was part of the world she had once longed for. The world she had been forced to exit. If he was in any other band…

“Ugh!”

Kana threw one of her pillows across the room in frustration. Years of keeping to herself, and the one man she finally found intriguing turned out to be in a band with that bastard.

21:04 [Kana] Sorry, I was taking a bath earlier. You can message me however you like

21:05 [Sakuya] 🥰🥰🥰

21:05 [Sakuya] Do you want sneak peeks at our new MV concept?

21:06 [Kana] Don’t send me things that would get you in trouble

21:06 [Sakuya] It’s okay, I trust Kana-chan 💖

“That… that…” Kana stammered and slammed her phone down. “Stupid man.”

—

06:23 [Sakuya] Attached: Img96589.jpg (picture of a lone street light)

06:24 [Sakuya] I’m in the car now. look how early they made us get up to drive out! it was still dark…

…

09:33 [Sakuya] Attached: Img96592.jpg (blurry picture of the ocean from a car window)

09:35 [Sakuya] we’re going to shoot at the beach this time! something sweet for summer!

…

14:11 [Sakuya] Attached: Img96612.jpg (selfie of sakuya, tousled pink hair, smiling at the camera, white and baby blue t-shirt just visible)

14:12 [Sakuya] if anyone finds out i sent you this i’m going to hell 🥺

14:12 [Sakuya] tell me i don’t look cute in this 💖

14:17 [Kana] Yes, you’re very cute

14:18 [Sakuya] And handsome?

14:18 [Kana] Of course

14:18 [Sakuya] I knew it!! 🥰🥰

“Idiot.”

…

17:36 [Sakuya] early dinner now since we have a night shoot but the food is not pic worthy…

…

21:02 [Sakuya] Attached: Img96615.jpg (a pair of feet in sandals in the sand)

21:03 [Sakuya] we got most of the sunset scenes done

21:20 [Kana] Don’t exert yourself too much. I’m going to bed early tonight. Good night

21:21 [Sakuya] good night!! 🥰

Kana scrolled through the photos. She remembered the feeling of having a crush, of the love bubbling over so much you had to give it an outlet. Talking, texting, jumping around. It was impossible, but Sakuya’s messages felt like that. Like affection with nowhere to go but spilling over into these pictures, into the desire to share the day with his crush. A crush? Her?

As an idol, it had been her job to be just that. A crush for everyone watching her. An unattainable goal. An idealised version of herself on which dreams could be projected. She had loved it, lived for it. Being adored by fans, giving love and receiving it. And then the trapdoor in the stage had opened and she had disappeared from the spotlight into the dungeon, alone and forgotten. The transition into the idol life had been gradual. The removal from it had been like a gunshot.

A crush? She didn’t even know how to be a person worthy of one anymore. Yet there he was, smiling at the camera—at her. She didn’t think anyone would look at her like that ever again.

It felt warm. It felt dangerous.

Anything given can be taken away.

—

The next days were much the same, only Kana found herself answering much more frequently, their little interactions evolving into complete conversations as much as both their schedules would allow.

With Haruki out of town, Kana breathed easier, and her life got back on track. And yet Yuto was there anyway, writing his thesis and studying at a table in the cafe while it was open, calling in sick to the few lectures he still had to attend.

One good friend can change the world, Kana thought.

She put another americano on Yuto’s table and sat down next to him as the Friday morning rush had died down. Yuto typed a few more words, then closed his laptop. He took a sip of his coffee just when Kana’s phone pinged.

“Sakuya again?”

“Who else would it be?” Kana asked. “The only other people writing to me are you and my mom.”

Though her mother had cut communications to a minimum since her scandal, just updating her on the utmost important milestones in their life.

“Clingy,” Yuto mused.

“It’s just a crush.”

“If you say so. I hope you’re not encouraging him.”

“Why not?”

Yuto put his cup down energetically. “Because I don’t want to run through the city again, wondering if my best friend has been assaulted by her ex-boyfriend and bully. And before you say that Sakuya isn’t Haruki: I know that. But they are so closely linked that it makes no difference.”

“I think I like him.”

“Congratulations. You’ll find another, who isn’t living with that scumbag.”

“Yuto…”

“No, don’t guilt trip me with that voice. Is he the first one you liked since everything went down? Probably yes. Is it sad it can’t work out? Also yes. Take it as a sign of healing and move. on.”

Kana’s hand closed around her own cup. She looked into it as if it held the wisdom of the universe and Yuto knew he had lost. He placed a hand over hers.

“Kana-chan, I’m not saying all of this to be mean. I’m saying it because I love you and I don’t want you to get hurt. I’m also going to stop now, because you're the type that likes to rebel against common sense.”

Kana huffed a laugh. “The rebel in me has died along my career.”