Memories

It was so different from what it had been with Haruki. He had been her first crush, and what a ride it had been. The thrill of stealing moments, midnight meetings and sneaking off to various rooms in the agency had been a rush of adrenaline every time. Haruki had been bright and brash, swooping Kana up in his energy… and she had never been drawn to someone like she had to Haruki.

During her teenage years, Kana had few close friends. Her single-minded determination to join the idol industry kept her occupied, practising to dance and sing whenever she could. She often skipped meeting up with her peers, and soon she wasn’t invited altogether. She saw it as a necessary sacrifice. Besides, she had one friend, who stayed with her through it all. But Yuto had never been interested in her, and she didn’t even consider him as a relationship option.

By the time high school was over, Kana had already been accepted as a trainee in what was currently ‘Candy Apple’s agency. Haruki had been part of the group ‘Monsters’ at that time. The group was still new, but already undeniably famous. They didn’t meet until Kana debuted herself, as a solo artist. This was unusual, but with her ability and stage presence, they gave her a chance to prove herself alone.

Her stage name had been ‘Decodol’, which was a merger of idol and decora, the fashion style which informed her costume design and music style. Her music leaned heavily on bubbly J-Pop, but she also had slower and heavier songs. She didn’t immediately become famous overnight, but her fanbase grew steadily, most of all due to the quality of her singing, which was a standout in every regard.

Haruki had approached her after her first stage, congratulating her on her debut, saying he had followed her journey as a trainee closely. She had been more than flattered. Why would such a successful and charming man be interested in her?

It was a combination of timing and location. Kana had not yet experienced her first love, with all her thoughts focused on her debut, so along with the relief and elation of finally being able to perform came Haruki and swept her off her feet.

They had what one could call a whirlwind romance. Kana had been madly in love and secretly incredibly smug about the fact that everyone’s favourite idol had chosen her. They lost no time in being intimate, and Kana went along with it. He was her prince, after all.

And then… the message came.

Haruki texted her late one night that they couldn’t continue. Kana fell from heaven and it felt like all her bones were broken. She pleaded with him, but he wouldn’t even hear her. She couldn’t see him publicly, and since he avoided her completely, Kana had no chance to talk to him in person.

Everything went quiet until Kana was called into the office. Haruki was there. With another woman, who claimed to be his girlfriend of over five years. Someone not involved in the industry at all. It was clear to her that Haruki had cheated, but when a paper was slid over the table, it was an agreement that ended with her termination. It stated that she had stalked and seduced Haruki because of selfish desires, wanting to ruin his career because of jealousy. Nothing had been further from the truth.

And yet, Haruki sat there, calmly speaking lies, his eyes only turning soft when he spoke with his girlfriend to placate her.

Kana had signed the agreement in a daze, taking the blame completely on herself. She received severance pay—enough to keep her floating for a few years. She knew it was hush money.

It was Haruki, who had let her fly so high that the fall almost killed her. She had never forgotten that feeling. So even when she was in Sakuya’s arms, she couldn’t shake the anxiety that was building up in the back of her head.

But… It was different with him. Sure, he was pushy in his own way, audacious even to invite her out like this for their first official date, but he never pushed her physically. He asked before every touch, every kiss. His hands never strayed. She didn’t for a second doubt she would sleep well that night, peaceful and safe. Haruki had been… Haruki. Kana shuddered when she thought about it. Even though it happened only a few years ago, she had aged so much in that short amount of time.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Sakuya asked and Kana shook her head out of the daze.

“Sorry, just admiring the view. I think the heat is getting to me.”

“Let’s get out then. The air is warm enough to dry off.”

“Alright.”

They relocated to two loungers next to the bath, which were comfortably upholstered. Sakuya brought out a bottle of water and one of juice. That was also different. Haruki had often insisted on alcohol.

“Thanks,” Kana said and took the offered glass of mixed fruit juice.

It was chilled to perfection. Kana leaned back in her chair, the sweet aftertaste on her tongue, and released a satisfied sigh.

“Must be nice being able to afford this,” she said.

“It’s only nice if you have someone to share it with.”

“Smooth.”

“Thanks.”

Kana looked over to observe Sakuya’s profile. His nose was more angular than it seemed from the front and his ears were surprisingly small.

“I need to apologise.”

Sakuya looked over. “What for?”

“I keep comparing you to Haruki in my head. I have no other reference point.”

“As long as I win…”

“By a mile. Not even close.”

“I’m glad,” Sakuya said with a small smile. “Kana-chan, I trust that you told me the truth. Haruki evaded every question I had. I just don’t know what to do now. I love my job. But if this continues, I will love you too.”

Kana reached over and took Sakuya’s hand in hers. “Then we don’t continue and spare us both the heartbreak.”

“Not an option.”

“You will have to deal with the fallout.”

“I will handle it.”

“Believe me, from personal experience, that’s not something one can handle. Let us enjoy the evening and tomorrow we will go our separate ways.”

Sakuya swung his legs around to face Kana and took both of her hands when she did the same.

“Is that really what you want?”

“And not be responsible for the eventual crash of the career of a person I like very much? Yes.”

“Why can’t—”

“You can’t have both, Sakuya.”

——

Dinner was a muted affair and they retired early, sleeping in separate beds. The atmosphere had been ruined, and while Kana mourned the fun that could have been, she knew it was for the best. Maybe she should never have come to Atami, but it felt good to talk about this in person.

She fell asleep to Sakuya’s quiet snores and woke to find him sitting on the floor next to her bed, head cushioned on his arms, watching her.

“Good morning.”

“… morning,” Kana replied.

“Slept well?”

“Like a baby. This mattress is so good for my back…”

Sakuya smiled. “I won’t give up on you. On us.”

“There is no us.”

“There will be.”