Shadow's Hearth

"The greed of man quickly dragged in all of the surrounding nations, each seeing the need to meet opposition with equal or superior force. Machines were handed out freely as tools in a growing war until they easily out numbered the living on the battlefield. The numbers grew until across the oceans in America and Asia saw the need to include machines in their military force as well. It was this error in judgment that was the true start of the war.”

Herbert Stein, Machine Historian -

The day pushed on with Satoru twisting himself around over what he was doing. He could still remember how much he enjoyed the day with Asami and wanted to have that feeling again. But he was taking advantage of the situation to improve his social life. It felt wrong to him that he was allowing his work to help him find someone. There was the part of him that didn’t want to listen to any of it as well and was telling him that it didn’t matter where he met someone. In the end there was no right answer that he could reach and the day was over.

Satoru was standing outside of the room with the number 4803 staring back at him with a questioning look as though it was wanted to kick him down the hallway and pull him in just as well. He wiped his palms on the back of his pants and turned the knob trying to clear everything out of his mind but business. However, once he saw her it all flew out the window scattering to pieces. There was no hope and he knew it. All he allowed himself was an awkward, but simple greeting to Asami. She smiled back at him with a well-disguised face that left him thinking even more to himself. 'Is she pleased to see me? I can't tell with that look. What should I do? Should I say something to her? I should…no I can't…'

While Satoru tortured himself further time didn’t wait for him to finish internally bruising himself. Asami looked up from her desk after receiving a notice. She spoke plainly to Satoru, but it was her voice that snapped him out. It didn’t even have to be anything special, as the sound was enough of a trigger for him. "The Lt. Colonel will see you."

"Alright…" It took him a few seconds to process it. He was a little disappointed, hoping that she was going to say something else, but it meant that he could get on with the meeting. The meeting would hopefully get his mind off of her and bring some focus to him. There was great doubt in his mind that was actually going to happen for him. However, he didn’t waste any time standing up and entered the office. He wasn’t about to get the Lieutenant Colonel angry with him for making him wait an extra thirty seconds because of his emotional problems.

"You better have good news, you have less than a month to get your project finished," the Lt. Colonel said as Satoru walked into the office. Satoru didn’t even have the chance to sit down, let alone find the seat. This sort of berating felt a little more familiar to him from the last meeting that he had, but he didn’t enjoy it anymore.

"Yes, sir," Satoru said promptly, feeling like the 'sir' was a little annoying at this point. He didn’t want to be so politely addressing someone that was more likely to insult him. It made him wonder how soldiers managed to say the same thing repeatedly. The meaning would have been lost being endlessly repeated. Even now there was no meaning behind it, it was just an empty formality that he forced himself to use.

The debate didn’t last long in his head as the meeting pushed on as the Lt. Colonel wasn’t waiting for Satoru. He wasn’t sure if he was trying to rush it or was simply angry, but regardless Satoru was countlessly battered by insults and backhanded compliments. If he wasn’t already sore from his own conflicts he was now. The project was actually on schedule in spite of the distractions that were occurring in the office with the current events. But that wasn’t enough for the Lt. Colonel. The man wanted immediate results suddenly and reminded him constantly about the money that they placed on them and that the parts had already been shipped over. All of this Satoru knew. If it was in his power he would have slowed down the project, but they were only two weeks away from trials and knew that Sakura would no longer be the cute, adorable name that it seemed.

After a very long hour's worth of assaults Satoru was released from the Lt. Colonel infernal grips and allowed to leave the room. He walked out feeling mentally sore from it as though he should be stumbling out. It was a strange conflict with his body as it was moving normally, like being numb but with the feelings reversed. That feeling suddenly multiplied when he saw her again at the desk working quietly. Satoru didn’t want to interrupt her and bother her with his selfish ideas. He made his way to the door placing his hand on the knob.

His mind bounced back and forth as his hands slowly turned the knob. The door came open softly weighing a thousand kilos making his hands struggle in weakness. Everything continued to fight against each other. One thought being cut down by the other without so much as a chance to explain itself. His numbness continued to increase until the door could not even budge for him. Then he found that his legs were moving on their own, turning him around. Satoru was facing Asami staring at her working at her computer. "Uh, Asami?"

Asami looked up quickly to Satoru, the expression her face cracking from the impenetrable wall that she had presented before. "Y-yes?" The hesitation in her voice made Satoru feel a little better knowing that there was something she was feeling as well. He was already embarrassed from speaking that he didn’t want to be wrong, he hoped that he wasn’t wrong.

"You doing anything after you're finished with work?"

The week continued on and Satoru found himself seeing Asami everyday after work. It had started as only a simple cup of tea after work, but carried on. He wasn’t sure what to think anymore about what was happening. Asami was continuing to show each day and seemed to be enjoying herself as much as he was.

Satoru hoped that everything was going well; it had been so long since he had this feeling. There was so much uncertainty in every step that he made. It made him feel like he was in high school all over again asking out a girl for the first time.

Each moment felt like the first time and not something that he had done before. It was a strange and exhilarating experience that made him not want the day to end each time he said good night to her. The feelings he was getting were so strong and they had not even kissed once yet. He didn’t know what to think about anything anymore. There was happiness in his heart again making him feel so warm with so much emptiness that had been surrounding him.

Satoru was sitting down outside again for lunch, but this time with Kiyoshi. Kiyoshi was his best friend for longer than he could remember. He felt like he had been neglecting him, leaving him out of the loop with everything that had been happening to him. There were so many changes occurring in his life that he couldn’t find the brakes any longer. Having lunch with him now felt like the only slow time for him. It was a time that he could simply relax and be at ease rather than tense about the next moment.

"So Sakura is coming along. The activation trials will be next week," Kiyoshi said as he poked at his food to find a small enough bite. They were getting the business out of the way now as it was being called a 'business meeting' even though everyone knew that it wasn’t really. It was simply a way to push the conversation along.

Satoru was still feeling regret about the project, but he knew that it was never going to change. It wasn’t the project that he wanted everyone knew that. Even Kiyoshi understood. All Satoru was doing was following orders from above. He still didn’t have the seniority or position in the company to create his own project or have a great effect on what he wanted to be working on next. Though it didn’t help that there were few projects that he could be working on these days. "Yes, she'll be ready soon…"

"I know this has been troubling you for a while." Kiyoshi took a bite of food while drawing out what he was going to say. He allowed Satoru the time to begin thinking over what he was approaching. Kiyoshi knew that Satoru was smart enough to know where he was heading without needing to immediately finish what he started. However, he also knew that Satoru was devoted to his work no matter how much he despised it. "Did you want someone else to handle the activation?"

"No, I'll do it," Satoru said quickly. He had considered the question a number of times and Kiyoshi had brought it up with him before in the past. He was glad to know that Kiyoshi was looking out for him, but this was something that he was going to have to do. It was painful for him to bear witness to the awakening of Sakura, but he had an obligation as one of her creators to be there when it happened. "I've done everything else. I should be the one that awakens her to this world."

"How are you holding up?"

"Huh?" Satoru had been poking at his food even longer than Kiyoshi was making it clear that he wasn’t seeking a small piece to eat. He was strolling through his food delaying something that was on his mind. Kiyoshi could read him too easily and Satoru knew that he wasn’t going to be able to hide much from him. Even his co-workers were able to get it out of him. 'I must be so transparent…'

"The bombings and the machines, the military," Kiyoshi said, taking another pause while he ate another bite. He didn’t want to wait too long though seeing the look on Satoru. "I heard that you were having nightmares." Kiyoshi may not have been in the office where Satoru was like he used to be in the past, but he still had ears. It had been concerning what was recently happening with Satoru.

Satoru looked down at his plate rather than staring out at the street like he had been before. When he saw that his hand was poking around the food constantly he stopped realizing the apparent signs that he was giving off. But he continued to stare down thinking about what Kiyoshi said. 'He knows me well and even out of the room he knows.' He looked back up at Kiyoshi feeling partially ready to talk to him again. "Oh…yeah, it's not easy all the time. Some nights are harder than others. But I'm still here." Satoru faded away at the end as his eyes looked off down the street again.

"I know you can get through this. You're strong, but if you need anything. Don't hesitate to ask me."

"Thanks, Kiyoshi."

"What are friends for?"

His thoughts were heavy on him, still not having spoken to Kiyoshi in a while. There hadn’t been any time for him to get another opinion. 'I don't know, should I ask him? I haven't had anyone serious to talk to it about…' Until now he had been bruising himself over the issue hoping that he was doing the right thing. "Hey, Kiyoshi…"

"Hmm?" Kiyoshi shifted around his plate to make room for the bowl. "What is it? Something on your mind?" He had been waiting for Satoru to make a move rather than force it himself.

"Uh, never mind, it's nothing." He was doing the right thing; he knew that he had to be doing the right thing. There shouldn’t be a debate with him anymore. The doubt was gone. No, that wasn’t true anymore than snow falling in the desert. He couldn’t convince himself as much as he wanted to that there was nothing wrong. There were too many things wrong that he couldn’t contain them all inside.

"That's not what your face says, come on you can tell me. What's troubling you?"

"I-I…I don't know…" Satoru finally ate some of his food, but it was a stalling tactic more than anything now. He did want to eat, but his stomach and the stress in his body were making it difficult to enjoy the meal. This was supposed to be a time for him to relax.

"Come on, we've been friends for so long. College, high school…we always tell each other," Kiyoshi said, trying to ease the mood a little for Satoru. He didn’t have to know him for years to see that there was something eating at him and painfully so. The one thing that Satoru did well was internalizing pain whenever it was severe. He had watched him beat himself up countless over the years when something important happened. It seemed to go contrary to the very rational mind that he had most of the time.

"I guess…I-I meet someone…" It was out of the bag now; he could no longer deny it. Kiyoshi had a right to know more so than anyone else.

"Oh, I thought it was just idle gossip." Kiyoshi knew better than that, but didn’t want to play too forcibly with Satoru from the start. He wanted Satoru to ease it out on his terms. However, just watching Satoru becoming nervous and moving around so much made it clear to him that he wasn’t completely ready for this. 'It must be really eating him up on the inside. I've never seen him like this over a woman.'

"Well, everyone seems to be taking too much interest in it. So it's not easy to talk about."

"So what's the problem?" Kiyoshi said softly trying not to pushing him too hard. He was walking a thin line, but he knew that he needed to open Satoru up so that he could reach the calm that he so desperately needed. "It’s not the first time you were with someone. Though you've been out of the arena for a while." While in light spirits he wasn’t sure how well it was going to hit Satoru. He was hoping to simply soften things up for him.

"Yeah, well I've been distracted," Satoru said, pausing, leaving Kiyoshi to wonder if he had approached incorrectly. But Satoru continued after eating, finally starting to open up a little. "But I don't know there is something different about her. I can't stop thinking about her. I don't think I've felt this way before. Even when I first saw her it's like I couldn’t help but find her again."

"Sounds like the real thing, congratulations." The stress was visibly starting to melt away from Satoru making Kiyoshi feel better. He could see that Satoru was starting to become at ease and was ready to speak. Kiyoshi tried to remain quiet and let Satoru lead the conversation.

"She saved my life. I feel like I'm mixing things up. I don't know what I should be thinking most of the time. I feel like I should leave and stop, that it is wrong that I'm going around with false motives. But then I'm not even sure if they are really false, but that I'm just lying to myself. I'm so confused."

"Love is funny that way. It doesn't matter though you should go for it. You should see it to the end, wherever that is."

"You think so?" Satoru stared a little confused at Kiyoshi seeing the certainty in his face and hearing it in his voice. It didn’t make very much sense to him how Kiyoshi could make it so crystal clear and seem simple. He had been dwelling over the matter for nearly a month and spending time with Asami even when he didn’t know if he was doing the right thing. Yet Kiyoshi could just know from listening and make it seem like it was the right answer. There was warm comfort in that decisiveness that made him feel a little better.

"I know so. Everyone deserves to have love and with all the stress in your life you need something good. Don't let it get away and don't doubt yourself. Deep down you know what you should do without asking. It's been guiding you all this time, you just don't realize it yet."

"Yeah, I guess so. Thanks."

"I'm glad to help," Kiyoshi said, putting the last bit of food in his mouth. Satoru wasn’t completely convinced from his speech, but it did put him in a better mood. Kiyoshi had made it seem so easy and that there was nothing more needed to be thought about. It was such a simple manner, but Satoru couldn’t accept that it was simple. There were complications with it. He couldn’t let it be just like that, he wanted it, but it wasn’t going to be willed so. He hoped that Kiyoshi was right.