Killing the Self

Hearing such words from Seiji stunned him. Yuki never imagined one of his closest friends would suddenly threaten to kill him. Defending himself more against the man masquerading as his friend, Yuki pushed back. “I don’t know who you think you are, but you’re not my friend! He never would have said that to me!”

A quick push on his sword, Seiji separated them again from their clash. “Look around yourself. We’re not in our time and we’re certainly not in a peace time. There are things you must do because you will die otherwise. Be honest with yourself and me. It’s good to have compassion, but the battlefield is the wrong place for that. You can’t be standing here with that attitude. Get your head on straight!”

“If I had my—“

“Don’t even think about the what if’s! They’re just distracting you. This is the current reality, face it and do things properly or refuse and I’ll let you sit the rest of this out.”

Yuki shook his head trying to remove all of the confusion. He had his head saying one thing, his heart saying something completely else, his body doing its own thing and Seiji now trying to force it. “I can’t…I need a minute!”

Seiji lifted his sword up over his head. “You can’t wait. You decide now and commit to it.”

“What do you think you’re doing?!”

“No more talking. You make the decision right now. No half measures, no uncertainties, commitment.”

“Seiji…” Yuki looked up at his best friend with the bloody sword hung over him. He had resolve in his eyes that was all too familiar for him. It was part of what made him such a good friend. His commitment and determination once he set his mind to it.

But part of that also told him that he had to make a decision. Seiji wouldn’t take any room for further hesitation from him. He had to give him an answer, Seiji didn’t care which it was. It was a little comforting that he didn’t push one side on him. He clearly felt one way, but left it to Yuki to pick so long as he actually picked and didn’t hesitate further.

‘Yumi, Saki…my friends. If I’m dead…’ He couldn’t think about it further. Seiji grew impatient and planned to make a decision for him it looked like with the way the sword moved. There were no seconds remaining for him. He lifted up his hand to stop him. “I won’t abandon my friends!”

Chapter 534 – Killing the Self

“Good to hear it!” The presence that seemed to keep the soldiers away faded as one of them looked to take advantage of Seiji being completely open. However, he seemed to notice him with his less than subtle battle cry. Side stepping out of the way, he threw the soldier stumbling forward to land on Yuki’s sword, piercing him through the heart.

Blood slowly dripped down on the sword over Yuki’s hand as he stared at the dying man’s eyes. He quickly started to lose the light of his eyes as Yuki swallowed hard barely processing it all. In moments, the man was dead and Yuki jumped back with the limp corpse falling to the ground. “He’s dead!”

“Yes, and you’ll kill plenty more before this war ends.”

“But you…” He started to pick up on what Seiji did to him. Emotions started to boil up, but were interrupted.

“The first time is always the worst feeling. The next few a little less and then you get more of a dead feeling for it.”

“But you can’t just…”

“One, they’re not real. So don’t think you’re actually doing this. Don’t take anything that happens in here back with you. And two, if I didn’t force the first one on you, you would have still struggled with that determination you were showing. Don’t take pleasure in it, that’s not what this is. This is just war and death is the nature. Keep the two things apart. Now get back out there and face me with a better face next time.”

Yuki didn’t even have a chance to say anything more before Seiji charged back off into the fighting with the same reckless regard for the battlefield. The void that they created quickly started to fill in as enemies wanted a piece of him seeing that their General no longer seemed to think that he was worth their time.

‘Kill…that’s my only choice…I’ve killed already…Seiji…’ Instinct took over for himself again as he quickly dodged through the soldiers and slashed. The swing of his sword sprayed up blood. Three soldiers dropped quickly as the others hesitated seeing him defending himself.

Yuki looked down to the men bleeding out, some choking on their own blood. Pain ran through their eyes wishing that they hadn’t been there. They wanted to be elsewhere. They regretted attacking him. So many emotions, but the fear of the coming death and the pain that filled them was all that they focused on. ‘They’re in pain, suffering…like Seiji said...’

Turning his sword around, he stabbed them to end their lives for them in peace. “Damnit! Damnit! Damn it!” Yuki charged at the enemies starting to cower, seeing the resolve building in his eyes and presence. Flashes of light spun around the battlefield with crimson arcs following.

It wasn’t long before the retreat was signaled and he sent his soldiers back. Walking away from the chaos, he looked back to see the sea of dead lay out over the green field now stained red. Hundreds or thousands lay on the ground.

Back at the base camp, Yuki returned covered in blood and breathing heavily. At the command tent, he entered to find Aya along with Yumi and Saki and a few aids. He rested his hand on his hilt keeping himself steady. “I’ve returned.”

“Your personal assessment?” she asked.

“Well trained and determined. We’re roughly evenly matched.”

“That’s about what we expected from Michiko’s intelligence. Nothing new then to surprise us. Seems the other side was merely providing an opening probing assault as well. They want to gauge us as much as we do them.”

He nodded with her analysis. “That certainly seems to be the case.”

“Have your men rest and recover. Tomorrow we’ll be moving out, it will be in earnest.” Aya snapped back to the map at the table with Yuki dismissed. The plan for tomorrow hadn’t changed apparently based on the battle today.

Outside, he started to walk towards his tent, but Saki caught up to him. She came up behind him grabbing his wrist. “How are you?”

“That’s a rather pointless question. I made it back.” He walked off to his tent, but she followed him.

“That’s not what I’m asking and you know it.”

“Don’t worry, I’m over it.” He gave some finality to his words so that she didn’t follow him into the tent. The flaps closed behind him, not inviting her in.

Saki swallowed roughly seeing him being terse to her. ‘I guess he did just come back from the battle. It’s rattled him some. A little irritation is normal…’ She turned back ready to return to the command tent. Giving Yuki some space and time to recover would be enough, she figured.

Just as she started to walk away, Saki heard a thump from inside the tent. It didn’t sound normal, like someone dropped a sack of rocks and they spilled out. She turned back around and rushed in regardless of Yuki's insistence.

She found him on his knees still in the armor panting heavily. “Yuki!” Rushing to his side, she tried to support him, but he didn’t want to move. The short and haggard breathing coming from him and he shot a narrow look in his eyes. “You’re not alright.”

“It’s fine. I just tripped.”

“Stop lying to me!”

“It’s the only way I can keep going!”

“I’m right here for you. You don’t need to do this alone.”

Taking a breath, he recovered some of his control and stood. “It’s not that…” He walked over to a crate that he could use as a chair and sat down. “My body’s revolting against me. I did what I needed to do out there. If I don’t keep it up, I’m going to give in.”

“That doesn’t mean turning me away. I know it isn’t easy and I really wish this wasn’t what you had to do. But you don’t need to suffer alone.”

“I’m pretty good at doing that.” His mind briefly went back to the isolation that he put himself into after his mother died. The antics he got into in class. The fist fights with Seiji and thugs. A long history played through his mind.

Such a history wasn’t foreign to Saki as she could see the look in his eyes at what his words meant. “And I made myself a promise. So don’t think you get to swim around in misery and self-pity alone.”

“I already got an earful from Seiji out there, I’m not really in the mood for more.”

“Good, because we’re friends.” She walked over to his side and started to untie his armor. Blood covered so much of him it was going to take the servants a while to see it cleaned, especially for tomorrow.

Thankfully, there was nothing more than bruising on his body once she removed his armor. He was caked in dirt, blood and sweat from the fighting. “Nothing about what we’re doing is good. Don’t think you need to convince yourself of that. Focus on the goal, you’re keeping Yumi safe so that she can solve the problem.”

“Is that what you use to justify everything?”

There was a slight accusatory tone in his voice that she ignored knowing his emotional state. “It’s complicated, but yes something like that. Yumi’s important to me, just like she is to you. Keep that in your mind.”

A sigh came from his lips. “I already do. It’s the only way I’m still moving at this point. But I hate it. The feeling of using Yumi as an excuse to justify these evils. She is a good person and doesn’t deserve me to take advantage of her like that even in my mind.”

“But you don’t have any other choice.”

“I know! Hence the paradox that splits my heart and mind from my body. I just keep hoping that I can kill the voice that’s taunting me. So that I can focus. I know it’s not real and I need to kill that part of myself so that I can help her, like the rest of you have.”

Saki rubbed her hand over his arm for support knowing that words weren’t going to be the way to solve things. There was a part of him that did need to answer things himself without her. But being able to listen to him gave her both some comfort and worry. ‘Please never do that, Yuki…I’ve already killed myself…you need to stay alive…for me.’