Chapter 11: Wake Up Call Warfare

The concept of a 'rude awakening' is redefined this morning. Usually, I wake up to the sound of birds chirping or, more realistically, my own internal dread of the coming day. Today, I wake up because a small, orange-haired projectile launches itself onto my stomach.

"Oppa! Wakey wakey! It’s a beautiful day to be happy!"

All the air leaves my lungs in a painful whoosh. I open my eyes to see Inoue hovering inches from my face, her grin so bright it actually hurts my unadjusted retinas.

"Inoue," I wheeze, trying to push fifty kilograms of enthusiastic K-Pop idol off my midsection. "It's... six in the morning. Why are you-?"

"Get off him, you hyperactive chipmunk!"

Ayumi appears from the other side of the bed, grabbing Inoue by the back of her pajamas and hauling her away. My sister is wearing an apron over her school uniform, and her eyes are burning with a terrifying, competitive fire.

"Morning greetings are the sacred duty of the little sister!" Ayumi declares, smoothing her hair and adopting a disturbingly serene expression. She leans in close, her voice a gentle, airy whisper that sounds entirely unnatural coming from her. "Good morning, beloved Onii-chan. I hope your dreams were as sweet as the honey I used in your special breakfast pancakes."

I stare at her. "Are you feeling okay? You sound like you inhaled helium."

Before Ayumi can break character, Azuwa marches into the room. She is fully dressed, holding a clipboard, and looks like she is about to conduct a performance review rather than a morning greeting.

"Inefficient," Azuwa states, tapping her pen on the clipboard. "Takeshi-nii requires exactly seven point five hours of sleep for optimal cognitive function. You two woke him up four minutes early. You have already failed the first task of the day."

"It's a Happiness Competition, not a math test, Azu-nee!" Inoue protests, bouncing back onto the foot of the bed.

I sit up, rubbing my face. "Competition? What competition?"

The three of them freeze. They exchange a look—a silent communication of their newly formed, terrifying alliance.

"Nothing!" they shout in unison.

"Just get dressed, Onii-chan!" Ayumi chirps, forcefully pulling the covers off me. "A glorious day of supreme happiness awaits you!"

Ten minutes later, I walk tentatively into the kitchen. It looks like a bakery exploded. Every available surface is covered in plates of food. There are stacks of pancakes shaped like hearts, perfectly grilled fish, fluffy rice molded into little bears, three different types of soup, and what looks like an entire fruit basket carved into intricate flower shapes.

Izuwa and Hina are sitting at the table, looking overwhelmed by the sheer volume of breakfast before them.

"They've been cooking since four A.M.," Hina whispers to me, looking horrified. "I tried to tell them that you can't eat six thousand calories for breakfast, but Azuwa just started talking about 'metabolic kickstarts'."

"Sit! Sit!" Inoue cheers, practically shoving me into my chair.

"Eat this first, Onii-chan!" Ayumi shoves a heart-shaped pancake under my nose. "I made it with extra love!"

"Incorrect order," Azuwa interjects, sliding a bowl of miso soup in front of me, pushing Ayumi's pancake aside. "He must start with the soup to warm his digestive tract. I used strictly organic miso paste imported from a specialized artisan."

"Boring!" Inoue yells. She grabs a forkful of melon carved like a rose. "Open wide, Oppa! Say 'aaah'!"

I suddenly have three different utensils hovering inches from my face. Ayumi is glaring at Azuwa, Azuwa is glaring at Inoue, and Inoue is just intensely focused on getting the melon into my mouth.

"Guys," I start, leaning back as far as my chair allows. "I can't eat all of this. I'm just one guy."

"Nonsense!" Ayumi says, her smile unwavering but her eyes twitching slightly. "Happiness means being full! If you don't eat it, it means you hate my cooking, which means you're unhappy, which means I lose- I mean, which means I'm a bad sister!"

"And if you don't eat my nutritionally balanced contribution, your energy levels will crash by ten A.M.," Azuwa adds ominously.

"And if you don't eat my fruit, you'll get scurvy!" Inoue declares with zero scientific backing.

I look at Izuwa for help, but she just offers a weak, apologetic smile and slowly eats a single grape. I am on my own.

I take a deep breath. If this is their new way of getting along—by aggressively trying to 'happy' me to death—then I might actually miss the fistfights. I open my mouth and accept Ayumi's pancake, instantly causing Inoue to wail in despair and Azuwa to furiously scribble something on her clipboard.

This is going to be a very long day.