The Hero's Welcome Is A Pain In The Tail Feathers

The march to the capital was a nightmare of well-meaning indignities. Su, now "Lord Crestfall," was given a place of honor at the front of the column, right behind Commander Asken on his massive warhorse. This meant she ate everyone's dust.

The soldiers, once wary, now treated her with a reverence that was almost as uncomfortable as their previous hostility. They’d salute as she passed. They’d offer her the choicest bits of their rations—worms and beetles they’d dug up specially.

They mean well. They really do. But if one more grunt offers me a squirming maggot with a hopeful smile, I'm going to start a mutiny.

Her "harem" of peahens, now officially dubbed "Lord Crestfall's Vanguard" by the troops, strutted along behind her, basking in the reflected glory. They seemed to be enjoying the military life, their heads held high.

Traitors. They've fully bought into this 'feathered general' nonsense.

The system, of course, was no help. It kept pinging with new, ridiculous updates.

REPUTATION WITH ‘ELDERWOOD 3RD BATTALION’ HAS REACHED: REVERED!
NEW ACHIEVEMENT: ‘Feathered Five-Star General’
EFFECT: Slight increase to intimidation factor when near organized military units.

Great. So now I can intimidate people by… standing near soldiers? This system is dumber than a bag of hammers.

After three days of this, they reached the capital city of Eldermount. It was a sprawling stone city built into a mountainside, banners flying, streets teeming with people. As the victorious army marched through the gates, they were met with roaring crowds.

And all those cheers, all those flower petals thrown from windows, were for him. For Lord Crestfall, the Tactical Peacock.

They're throwing roses. At me. A woman from modern-day Earth, stuck in the body of a male bird, being celebrated as a military genius in a medieval fantasy world. My therapist is going to need a therapist.

The sheer absurdity of it all was enough to make her head spin. But beneath the absurdity, a cold knot of anxiety was tightening in her gut. The King. An audience. What was she supposed to do? Bow? Salute? Poop on the royal rug?

She was escorted directly to the castle, a colossal structure of white stone and glittering spires. Her peahens were led away to the royal gardens ("For His Lordship's comfort," a steward said), and she was alone, being ushered by very serious-looking guards in polished armor through vast, echoing halls.

They entered the throne room. It was everything she'd imagined and worse. A long, red carpet led to a dais where a man in a heavy gold crown sat on a jewel-encrusted throne. King Alistair. He looked old, tired, and his eyes held a sharp, calculating intelligence that Asken’s lacked. The entire court was there, a sea of nobles in silks and furs, all staring at her.

The room fell silent.

Asken stepped forward and bowed. "Your Majesty, may I present Lord Crestfall, the savior of the Western Marches."

All eyes were on Su. She stood there, a drab, speckless peacock in a room of gilded splendor, feeling about two inches tall.

Okay, Su. Don't panic. Just… be cool. Don't crap on the floor. Don't crap on the floor.

King Alistair leaned forward, his gaze intense. "So. This is the creature who outmaneuvered the Beast-Tribes. Asken's reports strain belief. They say you can read maps. That you understand tactics."

Su gave a slow, cautious nod of her head.

A titter ran through the court. A tall, gaunt man in overly ornate robes, the Chancellor, sniffed disdainfully. "Your Majesty, surely we are not to believe that the fate of the kingdom rests on the… instincts of a bird?"

Oh, you pretentious sack of bones. I’ve seen smarter-looking coat racks.

Before she could even think of a response, the King raised a hand, silencing the Chancellor. His eyes never left Su.

"There is a darkness gathering in the Whispering Woods," the King said, his voice low and grave. "The beasts we fought were but scouts, driven before the true storm. Something is waking. Something that has slept since the age of the Crested Wyrm. It preys on the mind, sowing discord and fear. My scouts go in and do not return, or return… changed."

He gestured, and two guards dragged a third man into the center of the room. The man was a soldier, but his eyes were wide with terror, his hands bound. He was muttering nonsense, clawing at his own face.

ANALYSIS: TARGET SUFFERING FROM SEVERE PSYCHIC DEBILITATION.
AURA: ‘MIND-FLAYING WHISPERS’ DETECTED. ORIGIN: UNKNOWN. POTENCY: HIGH.

Oh, fantastic. We’ve moved from conventional warfare to psychological horror. Just what I needed.

"The Quiet Mind you so cleverly sought for Aksen was but a trinket compared to what we face," the King continued. "I do not need a general who can win a battle, Lord Crestfall. I need a weapon that can win a war against an enemy that cannot be seen. Asken believes you can be that weapon."

He stood up, his presence filling the room.

"Your next Trial is not of my making, but it seems fate has provided one. I charge you with this: Go into the Whispering Woods. Find the source of this corruption. And silence it."

A new quest notification burned in her vision, its text a ominous, bloody red.

MAIN QUEST UPDATED: THE TRIALS OF CHARACTER.
TRIAL THE SECOND: THE HUMBLE HEART.
OBJECTIVE: CONFRONT THE ‘LORD OF THE WOOD’ IN THE HEART OF THE WHISPERING WOODS.
WARNING: THIS FOE UTILIZES PSYCHIC AND ILLUSIONARY ATTACKS. DIRECT CONFRONTATION IS NOT ADVISED.
REWARD: UNLOCKS ‘THE TRIUMPHANT SPIRIT’ TRIAL. +2500 EXP.

‘The Humble Heart’? I have to be HUMBLE to fight a psychic nightmare monster? This system is actively trying to get me killed! And 2500 EXP… that’s almost two levels.

The Chancellor scoffed. "You send a bird on a diplomatic mission to a nightmare? Preposterous!"

That was the final straw. Humble? Maybe not. But cunning? Savage? Oh, yes.

Su decided to make her position clear. She turned from the King, locked eyes with the sneering Chancellor, and with a deliberate, unhurried motion, she lifted her tail.

She didn't fan it out. That would have been too majestic. No, she simply raised it, took careful aim, and deposited a large, runny, and distinctly un-heroic dropping right on the Chancellor's polished silk shoe.

The throne room fell into a silence so profound you could hear a pin drop.

The Chancellor looked down, his face a mask of utter, horrified disbelief.

Su gave a single, firm nod to the King, as if to say, "My terms are non-negotiable."

Then she turned, and with all the dignity a pooping peacock could muster, she strutted out of the throne room, leaving a stunned court, a furious Chancellor, and a King who was suddenly, violently, trying to hide a choking fit of laughter behind his hand.

Well, I’ve officially pissed off the court. Literally. Now I just have to go fight an invisible mind-monster. All in a day’s work for a ‘humble’ hero.

The royal gardens were, admittedly, a serious upgrade from the jungle floor. Soft grass, manicured hedges, and a distinct lack of panthers. Her peahen entourage was in heaven, pecking at specially-sown clover and preening in the sun. Su, however, was pacing.

A psychic enemy. In a 'Whispering' wood. My 'Humble Heart' trial. And my big strategic move was pooping on a politician's shoe. I'm so dead.

Her musings were interrupted by the arrival of a familiar figure: Commander Aksen, looking deeply uncomfortable out of his armor and in formal court attire.

"Greetings bird," he muttered, glancing around to ensure they were alone. "What you did in there... that was either the bravest or the stupidest thing I've ever seen. The Chancellor is demanding you be roasted and served at the next feast."

Really feeling the 'Savior of Elderwood' love.

Aksen leaned in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. "But the King, he was impressed. He sees what I see. You're not just an animal. You're a weapon they don't understand. And that's why you're in more danger here than you ever were in the jungle."

He explained quickly. The court was divided. One faction, led by the Chancellor, believed Su was a useful aberration at best, a dangerous monster at worst. They wanted him dissected, studied, or—as mentioned—roasted. The other faction, led by the King, saw him as the only hope against the growing darkness in the woods.

"But the King's power is not absolute," Aksen said grimly. "If the Chancellor's faction gains more support, his 'protection' won't mean a thing. You need to complete this trial. And you need to do it fast. It's the only thing that will secure your position."

Just then, a new system notification popped up, this one in a suspiciously festive gold color.

HIDDEN MYTHOS ACTIVATED!
LEGEND: ‘THE IMMORTAL FOWL’
MEDIEAL HUMAN BELIEF: PEACOCK FLESH DOES NOT DECAY, SYMBOLIZING IMMORTALITY AND DIVINE FAVOR.
CURRENT APPLICATION: YOUR PHYSICAL FORM IS NOW CONSIDERED A POWERFUL SYMBOLIC ARTIFACT BY THE NOBILITY OF ELDERWOOD.
WARNING: HOST’S STATUS AS ‘SACRED AND IMMORTAL’ MAY ATTRACT UNWANTED ATTENTION.

They think I'm an everlasting gobbler? You have GOT to be—

Her thought was cut off as a procession of royal servants approached, led by the smirking Chancellor himself, who was now wearing different shoes. He gave Su a look of pure, venomous triumph.

"Lord Crestfall," the Chancellor announced, his voice dripping with false courtesy. "The court physicians and alchemists, in their infinite wisdom, have concluded a most fascinating thing. Your magnificent form, a gift from the Almighty, possesses a unique property. It is written in the oldest texts that the flesh of a true hero, a divine beast such as yourself, is impervious to decay. A symbol of the kingdom's eternal strength!"

The servants behind him were carrying a large, ornate silver platter, a carving set, and a small, portable brazier.

No. No way. He is not about to—

"In these trying times," the Chancellor continued, his smile widening, "the people need a symbol. They need to see the immortality of our cause made manifest! Therefore, by the authority of the Royal College of Physicians, we shall perform a simple, sacred ceremony. A small sampling. To demonstrate your divine nature to the entire court. A single feather and a tiny piece of flesh, which we shall cook and preserve. It will be a relic! A testament!"

Su was frozen in horror. They were going to pluck her and carve off a piece of her, cook it, and then display it because they thought it wouldn't rot? This was the most insane thing that had ever happened to her, and that was a high bar.

MY FLESH ISN'T IMMORTAL, YOU PSYCHOTIC MEDIEVAL GOURMANDS! IT'S JUST A BIRD! IT'LL ROT AND STINK AND—

But then, the cold, cunning part of her brain kicked into gear. They thought she was immortal? A divine, un-rotting relic?

Fine.

Let them think that.

As two burly servants approached with shears and a terrifyingly small knife, Su didn't panic. She didn't fight. She drew herself up to her full height. She let the system's "Feathered Five-Star General" aura wash over her, and she stared directly at the Chancellor with a look of such profound, ancient disdain that the man actually took a step back.

She nodded. A slow, regal, accepting nod. As if bestowing a great honor upon them.

She then gently tapped the silver platter with her beak, and with a series of deliberate clucks and head gestures, she communicated a new, audacious demand. She pointed at the platter, then at the castle, then made a sweeping gesture towards the city.

Asken, who was watching with his hand on his sword hilt, suddenly understood. A slow grin spread across his face.

"He...," Aksen announced, his voice booming with feigned reverence, "Lord Crestfall consents! But not for your grubby little relic, Chancellor! He demands a public ceremony! A grand feast in the main square! Let all the people see their 'immortal' savior! Let them witness the proof of our divine favor! A single, sacred slice, cooked before the entire city, to be enshrined in the great cathedral!"

The Chancellor's smirk vanished. This was not what he wanted. He wanted a private, discreet mutilation to prove the bird was a fraud. A public spectacle where the entire city believed in the myth... that was a different kind of power altogether. A power that would cement Su's status forever.

But he was trapped by his own narrative. He could hardly refuse.

The "Feast of the Immortal Fowl" was announced for the next day. The city buzzed with excitement.

When the time came, Su was led onto a high platform in the main square, surrounded by thousands of cheering citizens. The King himself was present, watching with an unreadable expression. The Chancellor stood by the brazier, looking like he'd swallowed a lemon.

With the eyes of the entire kingdom upon her, Su calmly extended one wing, allowing the royal surgeon to pluck a single, insignificant feather. Then, she presented her thigh, where the surgeon, with trembling hands, made a tiny, shallow cut, removing a piece of flesh no bigger than a thumbnail.

It hurt. A lot.

I AM GOING TO MURDER THAT CURSED PEACOCK AND EVERY SINGLE ARISTOCRAT IN THIS KINGDOM.

But she didn't flinch. She stood, stoic and majestic, as her flesh was skewered, cooked over the brazier, and then placed in a crystal reliquary. The crowd went wild.

The Chancellor, forced to play his part, held the reliquary aloft. "BEHOLD! The flesh of our immortal protector! It shall never decay, a sign of our eternal victory!"

As the cheers erupted, a new notification appeared for Su alone.

QUEST COMPLETE: ‘THE HUMBLE HEART’ (PARADOXICAL INTERPRETATION)
BY SUBMITTING TO A ‘HUMBLING’ ACT OF SACRIFICE FOR A GREATER (AND DECEPTIVE) STRATEGIC GOAL, YOU HAVE PASSED THE TRIAL.
REWARD: +2500 EXP!
LEVEL UP! SPECKLESS PEACOCK IS NOW LEVEL 12!
NEW TITLE UNLOCKED: ‘The Immortal Scam’
‘The Immortal Scam’: Slightly increases the potency of your lies and deceptions against those who believe in your legend.

She was now a Level 12 Peacock, a living religious icon based on a complete lie, with a bandage on her leg and a burning desire for revenge.

As she was led from the platform, the King caught her eye. He gave her a small, almost imperceptible nod of respect. He knew it was a scam

Okay. I'm a fake immortal hero. The court wants to eat me. And I have to go fight a mind-flaying horror in the woods. But you know what? I just tricked an entire city. This 'Lord of the Wood' better be ready. Because I fight dirty.