Goodbye world

The faint sounds of sirens and honking of car horns echoed through the night, bringing with it an endless sea of glimmering lights and colors. With each bated breath came the lively hum of the city as if it were dancing with the cold winters wind. My thin layered clothing did little to keep my body from shivering with the cold hum of the night.

“Damn, it’s high up here,” I muttered under my breath whist wrapping my arms around one another. The tips of my sneakers now dangling 40 stories above the ground. All that stood between me and death was the world that kept me here. A familiar feeling began to surface, the same feeling that brought me here. My stomach began to twist and bubble; the overwhelming weight of the world began pressing harder with every second I stood there. “I feel sick.... I need to vomit.”

I turned away from the edge and emptied what little remained of my stomach onto the concrete behind me. I could feel that my hands we’re no longer shaking as I rested them on my knees. “But Dam it! my legs, “I hissed through my teeth. "why’d you have to be so useless?” Giving into the demands of my legs I lowered myself onto the ledge, letting my feet dangle above the city below. The vibrant glow of traffic flickering and dancing only served as a reminder of the pain and turmoil of this world. “It just continues, ever indifferent to the chaos in my soul.” I sat there for a long while, just.... breathing. Thinking. Existing somewhere between the edges of reality and the void of my own thoughts.

Each thought carried its own emotion, its own story, anger, sorrow, regret. All molding together into something almost serene. “Strange,” I whispered to myself. I should’ve felt anything but calm. But instead, a quiet familiar numbness settled in, wrapping around me like the cold winters breeze. My mind wandered back through the moments that led me here, the decisions I never made, the ones I made all too late, the words I never said. The failures. The silence.

Tears welled up before I could even realize as my hands began to tremble once again. “Why won’t you understand?” I muttered, my voice cracking. “No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I always end up here. Broken, alone. No one understands. No one ever will.” My throat burned as the words spilled out, my breath began to turn into fog in the cold winters air. “No matter how hard I try, I fall flat on my face every single damn time”. My hand formed fists as the anger and pain began to boil and surface. “I’m so weak. I’m so stupid. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. When will I learn? When will you understand? When will this nightmare finally end?”

My voice began failing me as all that remained were tears. Flowing hot against my cold hard cheeks. “You just don’t get it,” I whispered to the wind. “My whole life has been pain, these dreams, they never stop. They haunt me. Ever since that day, everything around me lost its color. The world turned grey, and all I've ever known since then is this unescapable pain and hurt. it follows me.” My voice began cracking again. “I’m so weak. I’m so tired. I’m so alone.”

The words faded into the night like invisible smoke, swallowed by the low hum of the city below. For a long moment I just listened, listened to the faint rhythm of the world continuing around me. Somewhere, laughter echoed from a close by street corner. Somewhere else, a motorbike engine roared to life. Life just kept moving. Always forward. Always away from me.

As the growing ache in my chest deepened, I could feel the last threads tying me to this world begin to loosen. The burdens, the lies, the endless weight of trying to be someone I wasn’t. All of it started to slip away. “Why?” I whispered softly. “Why could I never understand? Not the world around me… not even myself.”

The cold winters wind brushed against my face. Rubbing against the newly formed dried tears. I slowly closed my eyes and let the city fade into a blur of shapes and lights. Slowly, those shapes dissolved into darkness. Time itself began to slow and stretch as my center of gravity shifted slightly foreword, ushering the weight of my body to betray me.

Suddenly —

Bzzzzzt....Bzzzzzt

The vibration against my thigh startled me. My phone. I hesitated, blinking for a few seconds. Pulling it from my pocket, the screen flashed to life, bathing my face in a pale glow. A notification blinked at the top.

AMAZON: “Black Friday deals! — up to 70% off electronics! Ends midnight!”

I stared at it for a long moment before turning the phone off. My reflection stared back at me, my hollow eyes giving no sign of will, my hair tossed about in the wind. the absurdity of it all. Moments passed by.

A faint bitter laugh escaped my throat. “Of course,” I whispered. I let the phone fall to the world bellow clanging with a dull clatter as that too was swallowed by the night. I let the moments pass me by as my mind was seemingly blank as the pain of life swept over me. I could feel myself letting go of all that kept me here and all that wanted me to go. I slowly closed my eyes once again as I muttered my final words, leaning forward I let gravity take me. “I wish I had another chance.”..........

.............SLAM..............

Prologue end