|Like my mother

After a few hours, we managed to find a luxury suite, at his request. Compared to explaining it, this was nothing. Now we were left to our lonesome. The white haired guy suggested taking two rooms. He took a quick look at the room before leaving. To be honest, he still creeps me out. The girl on the other hand, she even helped me grab my bag. They’re the perfect team. How does she handle him, I wonder.

“Please don’t tell me you have ulterior motives.”

“What brought that on? You’re the idiot that decided to rent a room just to fuck, you horny bastard.”

“My bad.” he swallowed his laughter.

“Look, I’m no where near suicidal but I accept things a lot easier than you think. I know what’s going on in the country and I understand what we need to do. After all, I would have the same sentiments if I were on the other side.”

“All it took was a kick to the neck, I believe. I know it’s partly because of her.”

Sigh

“You didn't get your wish at the end of the day.”

“It's only because it was too late to arrange something that specific. If Tiki was in charge, I would have found a room with a transparent shower room.”

“Your PA?”

“Something like that. He's also my ex chaffeur and good friend. I've been living with him for the past week or so.”

We're about to do it and there he is, bragging about his PA.

“He's a good man.”

“Something neither of us are.”

“Well, firstly, you're not a man.”

“Pfft. Who would have thought?”

He took the initiative, undoing the buttons of my shirt..

“Oh? What a gentleman.”

“I always did this.”

“Really?”

“Not my fault you forget everything.”

“It’s not that bad. I wouldn't be surprised if you remembered the first words you spoke.”

“It was ‘Oikura’.”

“Of course it was.”

“I'm guessing the other men you were with never bothered with this.” he made his way to my bra, loosening them.

“It's not too late to kick you in the balls..”

“I know you wouldn't.After all….” pinning my hands to the bed, he smirked.

“How else will I get to work?”

Eww.

“Don't rip them. I'll have nothing to wear afterwards.”

“But they're not…”

“Don't.”

“You're so boring.Fine, I'll take them off.”

The only men gifted with the privilege of gazing upon my bare skin were those lucky enough to be in an intimate position like this. In other words, my dark tights were just as essential as my other clothes.

“I also need to take a shower.”

I just needed to cool off a bit.

“Oh yeah. After you.”

“Who said you could join?”

“I did.”

“Whatever.”

Unlike most situations, we showered in absolute silence. Akin to rain drops, the sound of water hitting our weary bodies calmed the nerves. It was heavier but relaxing still. With this serene and peaceful atmosphere, you wouldn’t have thought the both of us were due an eternal rest. I’m so glad he didn’t ruin this moment for me. I liked him better with his mouth shut, and I’m sure he felt the same way.

Stepping out of the shower, I felt his hands all over my body. Turning to him, I was hit with a subtle reminder. He looked like a different person when his hair was undone. I was not used to that. A pleaseant surprise, to say the least.

“What are you doing? I'm not your lover.”

“For tonight, you are.”

That’s no justification though.

“How would your fiancee feel after hearing that??”

“Siobhan was not one to get caught off guard. By infidelity nonetheless. We never had those issues. But if she did, she would play it off and retalliate in style.”

“Gotta love some friendly competition.”

“Speaking of, I apologize for my previous comment.”

“You don't need to.”

“I'm only taking it back because I didn't really mean it.”

“What about the rest?”

“Well.…”

“Haa what can I say?”

“Looking in the mirror, it dawns on me how much time has passed.

Your shoulders are a bit soft compared to back then.”

“Are you saying I'm chubby?”

“You're anything but that. Just as slender but even more defined. Although it doesn’t look it, you pay lots of attention to your skin. The fact it glows even now is proof. And here..”

He ran his hands down from my chest.

“Although you don’t look like you exercised often..” or at all. “You put on some weight and that’s a good thing.It gives you a really mature look. Lastly, your birthmark is as sexy as ever.”

“Thank you.”

Why was I getting irritated the more he spoke? Perhaps it’s because I hated sweet-talk more than anything. Which is why I never entertained it in the past when we were still together.

“I still hate you but..”

“I hate you too.”

“But I want to know you better.”

“And this is the best way for you?”

“If it always works, then I’m inclined to believe that.”

Sounds like a damn hollywood director.

“As stupid as that sounds, I won't fault you for it.”

“That day was just like this. I lied to my Grandpa, saying I was hanging out at a friend's place.”

“We used the same excuse then. For me though, I’ll say I was also helping my Dad out. After we moved to the family house, we had a maid. I suspected my Dad was involved with her.”

“Oh, I remember. Was it Mya?”

“Miyu.”

“Close enough. So essentially, you leaving for the day gave the both of them some alone time.”

“Indeed. That’s why I always stuck with Friday anytime we went out. Basically killing two birds with one stone. Incredibly considerate of me, wasn't it?” I stared at him through the mirror.

“Oh shut it. You're the farthest thing from considerate.”

“Anyway. I got you a bit drunk then too.”

“That’s still no excuse.”

Indeed it isn’t. Because of me, all his dreams of a scholarship were buried in the dirt. Why did I do it?

“Why?”

“I’ve told you already.”

We both knew the answer. It didn’t make sense to me and it definitely didn’t make sense to him.

“Or is my answer not satisfactory?”

“Well, at least you were not skilled at drugging people back then.”

I squeezed his side.

“Is this your idea of punishment?”

“No, just the appetizer.”

Without a single word, I hugged him tightly, ignoring what laid idly in front of me. If we were going to do this, we were doing it my way. I grabbed his butt without hesitation, pulling him towards me as we landed on the bed.

“What the hell?”

“Is this a first for you?”

“Stop talking. I hate the sound of your voice.”

“You don't have to tell me.”

He explored every part of my body, just like I expected him to. In turn, I couldn’t resist. The truth is, we were simply too compatible. I would rather die than tell him that though.

“Ngh.”

“You're really excited huh?”

“Just.. shhut it.”

“We're just getting started.”

“Just put it in already.”

“Fine, since you want it that bad.”

….………………

“What are you doing?”

“I don't know. It typically doesn't go like this.”

“Hurry up and put it in.”

“Dammit. I know.”

….………………

Well that was fucking dreadful.

“Hahaha it looks like a noodle.” I couldn’t stop myself. I’ve read hundreds of books and I believe it’s only once I’ve seen a sex scene play out like this. Just my luck.

“Pfft.You know what this is? You know what it is? I promise you, it's a curse. Must be a woman from my past life. Perhaps it’s Siobhan.”

“Knowing you, that would be accurate.”

“What a shame.”

“What do you mean 'what a shame?'. I'm still fired up, and you need to do something about it.”

“Is this the female equivalent of blue balls?”

“YES!!!”

“Well, it was worth the try anyway.”

“You're just giving up?”

“What else can I do?”

“Raise it up yourself. I’ve tried already and nothing.”

“Let's take a short break.”

“Unbelievable.”

“Perhaps it's a mental thing.”

“ED?”

“Can't be. Well, there’s the elephant in the room.”

“But I’m also dead.”

“Well, you haven't necessarily…”

“Forget it.”

I crossed my legs and sat up, I was this close to hitting him but it looked like there was something on his mind. So it really was a mental thing.

“I’ve been thinking.”

“You don’t say.”

“Megumi. Could you tell me a bit about your mother?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“Everytime I've asked, you've either brushed it off or changed the subject. I know it it's a hard ask but I need to know. What did she do to you?”

“The same thing your Dad did.”

“Quit trying to be so clever all the fucking time. I know my father left right after he got together with his second wife. That was way back, even before the calamity. I've moved on from that. Why haven't you?”

“I don't know. Why haven't you moved on from me?”

“What?”

“The only reason you're alive right now is because of me. Isn’t that pathetic?”

“I literally explained..”

“You are obsessed with me. Admit it.”

“Why do I keep entertaining this.”

“ Answer this. What am I to you?”

“You said I ruined your family. How?”

“You haven't answered..”

“You'll answer mine first. Megumi.” he laid on top of me. “Answer.”

“You've always wanted to do this ever since we met at the bar,right? And just like always, you're a damn failure.”

“ ....…”

“Get off me. Let's end this pointless charade already. I can’t help you.” I bit my lips in annoyance.

“Go jump off a damn skyscraper if you want.”

“Megumi. It is not your fault.You are not a failure.”

“Huh?”

“You are not a failure.”

“Let go of me.”

He hugged me while repeating those words.

“You are not a failure.”

“Stop saying that. Who said I'm a…”

“You're not...a failure, Megumi.”

“I'm.…”

“You're not a failure…”

Sniff..

“I am.”

“You’re not.”

Before I could offer a suitable response, I was already in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably. I’m glad I couldn’t see my face and he couldn’t see mine.

Damn you, Hansha.

My father always told me inner beauty was a desert rose that blossomed in the desert. Well, I preferred that but he always went with the California Poppy. Essentially, it was only beautiful in those circumstances and was only beautiful because of them. It was a saying I never really understood because I often felt jealousy from the one who would utter these words while staring at the TV with an ounce of amusement.

However, over time, it became clearer and clearer, like fog dissipating. Meanwhile, she always told me that inner beauty was bound to radiate through the exterior. Your inside bled on the outside and that's what everyone else was bound to see, sooner or later. She always said this proudly with a slight hint of guilt in her eyes.

My parents disagreed on many things but they always agreed on a single point. ‘Inner beauty is a contradiction’.   

I remember when I was naive enough to give my all just for her sake. Thinking of it alone made my skin crawl. I loved my parents to death. They were all I had. If that wasn’t how every child thought then surely they didn’t deserve to be called ‘son’ or ‘daughter’. Like clockwork, my perspective collapsed and crashed on me.

“Megumi, what’s this?”

“Hehe, I got straight As. The tests were super easy.”

“You got second?”

“Yeah, someone got perfect scores in nearly all subjects. Can you believe it??”

*whack*

“Huh??”

“You said it was so easy..yet you weren’t able to top your class. Are you seeing the problem??”

“But my grades were all..”

“Why couldn’t you get first place?? Aren’t you supposed to be smart? What did the other kid do that you couldn’t?”

“It was..It was Housho.”

“Him again? What about him?”

…..Housho Hansha. One of my best friends and the one deemed 'the perfect student' which just meant you were conventionally attractive, smart and athletic. I don't fault them. That was the total package after all. Of all these qualities, the one I hated the most was your perfectionism.

“It was just a simple mistake. I’ll get first place next time…I promise.”

In the heat of the moment, I made a stupid promise. One I obviously couldn’t keep. Might as well have changed schools in time. If only I had a legitimate excuse. One that could outweigh the cost and convenience. She will give up eventually, I thought. Maybe my pride was the catalyst to this hell. For some reason, I doubt that. After all, she never changed.

In middle school, we never really had frequent assessments, that was against the school's educational philosophy. However, facing her was the equivalent of facing a monster and dying, only to respawn at the same point. Her disappointment never faded, as long as I didn't move up from that spot.

When it was time to face her again, I tried using a change in difficulty as an excuse but she wasn’t having it. I was so, so naive. She hit me even more, my tears had no effect on her. This time, she didn’t apologize or comfort me afterward.

That day, I promised myself I would never shed tears ever again. In light of the countless questions that flooded my mind, the ones that I couldn’t ask my parents. I really started to ask myself. Was I really her child??  

 Throughout my middle school years, I had a particular cycle of events that served as fuel for my ever growing hatred. She was the source and object of it. But the one who made a guest appearance was you. Although it was not as much, I still hated you to a certain degree. Despite that, we hung out quite often. Your friends urged you not to and my friends did the same. The general consensus was that I looked like trouble and you didn't need that.

Exams approached and once more, you wiped the floor with the rest of us. It made me dread coming home. After showing my mother my grades, she would hit me in a fit of rage then hurl endless insults at me afterwards. Daddy came out of the room, sometimes fully intoxicated,they then argued intensely and settled soon after. Sometimes they would settle things the same night, and you wouldn’t be able to sleep well. She spared no effort to break down my father who was already more or less a broken man. She probed him endlessly, asking him to recall the last time he ever acted like a real husband.

She claimed that her beauty was her gift. I reckoned it was that venomous tongue. It never failed to strip you of your dignity and self worth, leaving you empty. It stung, until it didn't.

My father was one of the by products. He was a former accountant who got fired, blacklisted even. You would think he committed a crime but no... he was wrapped up in a massive scandal that saw over a dozen employees sacked with immediate effect. The effects still lingered, even after years.

Luckily, he saved up a ton of money even before that event so we were comfortable for a while. However, the money eventually dried up. She changed ever since that day. The image of the great Ouroboros described us perfectly. We didn’t need external forces, nor a cliche tragedy. The only people who could destroy this family were its members.

“Hahahaha you're killing me Megumi. What's this?”

“What does it look like to you??”

“You got fifth this time, huh?? So?? What’s your excuse now? Housho?”

“You don’t have to mention Hansha.”

“Isn’t that your usual excuse?”

“He left Japan three months ago.”

“So the special one didn’t stop you but others did?”

“..Yes.”

“Why do you even bring this to me, do you secretly enjoy getting hit?”

“You’ll still find out anyway and hit me.”

sigh

“You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“You won’t hit me?”

“I don’t even want to touch you. The person I have business with is…”

 She slammed open the door to her bedroom.

“Your daughter’s grades took a nose dive again. She’s not even third this time.”

“I’ll talk to her but…honey, last time I checked, that isn’t a bad rank. There are like a hundred students in her year, right?”

“What does that matter? Most of them are going to end up as failures anyway. I thought with the help of Housho she could manage somehow, but there’s no hope left at this point. What was the point of sucking up to his mom, huh?? The bastard could have at least left the main student council spots open for her.”

“Yano, Megumi did her best. This time she was sick but couldn’t afford to miss the exams.”

“With that grade she might as well..”

“Don’t talk about our daughter like that.”

“You have the balls to lecture me? I’ve believed in you for the past 5 years and where did that get any of us? You’re still as much of a failure as you were the moment you got fired.”

“You’ve been waiting for this opportunity, huh? To talk down to me. You couldn't help yourself.”

“Let me tell you the difference between you and a homeless person. It's just one. You have a wife and she works.”

“You don't know how hard I'm trying. I’ve submitted my books to every publishing house around.”

“Clueless idiot.If your books don’t sell then they’re trash. If your efforts don’t bring in any money to help this family, then they’re wasted. Is that so hard to understand?”

“Out of everyone, I thought you would understand. It kills me that I don't bring in nearly as much as you do now. It kills me that our lifestyle is different. I will fix this. I'm just asking that you believe in me."

“How can a hard working woman understand a loser like you. Believe in you? What version of you? You are nothing like the man I married. Can I even call you a man?”

“Is that it? If that’s all you came to do, then just leave!!”

“THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!?!?”

“GET OUT!!!!”

“FINE!!”

 It was in my first year of high-school that my family finally broke down.

“I think this will do, right?? Your mom loves Katsudon more than anything.”

“Right…”

  My father changed. Dropped the alcohol and frankly speaking, was in the best shape of his life. He also found a job as a children’s novel author. He always wanted to be a novelist, not just one for kids. In a sense, he fulfilled that dream, but his dream was only halfway from being realized. After all, no one acquired his main works.

With some of the money, he supported with all the food and now he could contribute to the rent. We regularly went to the store to get something nice for my mother as she returned from work. He felt like she deserved even more, being the bread winner. The wages he received were quite meager and couldn’t compare to hers.Unsurprisingly, this infuriated her.

For someone who had only highschool level education, I must say, she was doing really well for herself. I felt a perplexing sense of pride.

The morning after she received the news of his employment, she came back home with another scent lingering on her……

“Dad, why are you still with Mom? She hates you, you know that right?”   

My father showed me that people were capable of change and he also showed me that nobody could suddenly leap frog themselves out of a dark place. It took loads of time, love and support. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t wait around that long. I wish I was able to give him enough love for two people.

“Well, I love your mom. I don’t think she hates me. She’s just disappointed, that’s all. All I have to do is get a better job and make more money and the love will flow. Like ketchup?”

“Pfft what’s that supposed to mean? You’re hopeless, Dad.”

“Am I?”

A hopeless romantic perhaps. I couldn’t stare him in the eyes and tell him something as cruel as ‘your wife is sleeping around behind your back’. I was fine with feigning ignorance for as long as I could. Perhaps he was also indulging in the farce. I hope he wasn’t though. However…

“Cover your ears, honey.”

Despite the fact that we were at the front door, my Father looked as though he had heard a ghost. He urged me to wait outside with my ears covered and slowly entered the apartment. There was so much to process. Was there an home invasion going on right now? If that was the case, I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing. I didn’t want to disobey him but if this was a crucial situation and I just stood there like a child undergoing some weird punishment, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Well, either way, I regretted it.

“Reo, calm down.”

“I’m calm.. Yano, who’s this??”

“Take a seat first. I've been waiting for you.”

“I’m fine. What were you doing inside with him? I haven’t seen him before.”

*tch*

“You’ve always been dense, even back in high school.”

“What does that have to do with anything. I’m saying!!”

sigh

“I’m saying I haven’t seen this man before.”

“He is my boyfriend. Since you couldn’t pick up on the clue, well, there you have it.”

“…..”

“Yano, this wasn’t what you said was going to happen.”

“Can’t help it. She typically has Caligraphy classes. But forget all that. He had to see this with his own eyes. This just make things easier to explain. That was what I thought but here he is, still acting clueless as fuck.”

  In front of us were she and her accomplice, a man I assume was a colleague. He was decently built,suited up in black, blond and had the look of a salesman. His smile radiated confidence, even in a shitty situation like this. While she was as beautiful as ever. She wore a skirt and a suit, her caramel colored hair covered her shoulders, her features were chiseled. Her eyes were like a void, perhaps due to my personal bias. Fact is, they were incredibly dark. It was such a shame I was similar in that aspect. She clung to him as he grabbed her by the waist. You could even see their clothes were rumpled if you paid close attention. How could such a vile woman exist?

“Look, do I really need to spell all this out for you?”

“We went all the way to the store to get you something to eat when you get back. We got your favourite too. I-I also have an interview with this famous publishing house tomorrow. I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow so I’ll get some sleep. Why don’t you escort this man out and we have a talk?”

“What is he talking about?”

“Let me handle this, Haruki.” she tried to mask the grin on her face but I saw through it.   

She stared at me hiding at the door briefly, before the mask broke.

“I want a divorce, Reo. I’ll bring the documents as soon as I can. For the meantime, I’m leaving. My bags are already packed. So, all that’s left is..”

“We’ve been together for 15 years. We promised we were going to be together, no matter what.”

“I was young and a bit naive back then. I actually believed that you were reliable. It’s your fault. Should I also mention how you knocked me up right after graduation? You then proposed to me.”

“You know that was never my intent. You felt insecure back when you got pregnant so I proposed to assure you I would never leave you.”

“Sure, like that meant anything. Anyway, I still have my whole life ahead of me so I’m going to live it. What’s the point of living if everyday feels like a prison sentence. I don't need you.. and I definitely don't need her.” she pointed right at me, urging me to come out of hiding.

“We’re done.”

“Hold it, you hag!!!”

Little Megumi finally had enough. My throat was dry and burned up, my eyes were uncomfortably red and watery. The fact the only thing I could do was talk made my blood boil. I was not in the right state to speak in an articulate manner but I did so anyway.

“The failure finally steps in.”

 As I walked closer, I left my fear at the front door. There was nothing in the world that could possibly hold my tongue. Not even god could stop me.

“You didn’t even have the decency to do your little rotten affair in a hotel like the vile whore you are, you decided to show it to our faces. Why am I not surprised. Mister, if you ever thought about being involved with her, then you're even more stupid than she is. I wish there was something to anticipate but I know how it ends. She’ll end up alone anyway.”

“This brat.”

“I’m pretty sure she’s itching for a human plaything, one that’ll meet whatever expectation she has. Sure, money sustains her but just like a drug addict, she'll always be out looking for more. That’s how smooth she is up there. But what’s even more shocking is the fact that she found someone crazy enough to go along with it.”

“How dare you!!”

“No. HOW DARE YOU!!!"

She was surprised. Even I was. That was the first time in my 14 years of living that I stood up to a tyrant. I was simply returning all the love she gave me.

"You know, I grew up thinking maybe you didn’t love me because I wasn’t your daughter. But that couldn’t possibly be true. We look alike, we share the same blood and for the most part, have many similarities. So I thought I was the problem. Maybe I do deserve to be abandoned. Maybe this day was inevitable. But Dad? He had the decency to make me cover my ears while you…” my voice nearly cracked. I continued, “And you called him a bad husband? Because he stood up to you while you tortured me? Because he couldn’t earn enough money to put you straight into retirement? Because he didn’t improve as much as you expected? What is he, a betting horse? Go to hell, then.” I flung my hands to the side.

“With you being as terrible of a mother as you are a wife, maybe that’s your next destination.”

“You bastard.” she lost it, almost charging towards me but her idiot boyfriend held her in place.

“It’s not worth it, Yano.”

“Shit, shit,shit.”

“Just let it go.”

“You’re right,I have nothing to say anymore.”   

At this point, my blood could melt iron.

“Look at me!! Do I look like a bastard to you?? HUH?!” I gripped my shirt tightly, nearly ripping it.

“If god was actually real, then a failure like you shouldn’t have been brought into my life.” she gently cleaned her tears and walked away.

“If god was actually real, then maybe he should have put you in the one occupation you truly thrive in right from the start.Being a prostitute!!!!”

That was the last time I saw her. My Father sat on the dining table, he looked like a walking corpse. Under his breath, he kept murmuring something. As I walked up to him, picking up the bag of food he dropped, the mirror beside the exit gave me an epiphany. The sheer ugliness made me sick to my stomach but at the same time, I couldn’t look away.

“Father, I finally understand.” he kept on murmuring, tears flowing endlessly So I pulled him in for a hug. He had to face the reality. Sure it was a shame that the love that blossomed ultimately withered. But then, so what??

“We don't deserve love but we absolutely deserve happiness. With or without her.”

And just like that, my family collapsed, with more than a few hints which didn't escape me. Deep down, I saw it coming. Life after was a breeze and largely unremarkable.

You did leave to study overseas. What a guy, am I right? Anyone would have thought we lived in two different worlds. Just like me, your parents were divorced and you were tossed around like a ping pong ball.

One thing I found strange was how you returned to the same highschool I attended at the time.I moved away from Tokyo to the countryside because of my Grandpa who recently died. If I was anyone else, perhaps I would have been bullied for my accent but no one could mess with me. Despite being a decent success out here with his books, he still felt...empty.

As much as I tried to pick up the pieces that woman left, he was never whole. Hell, neither was I. With you back in my life, I questioned the authenticity of it all. Perhaps we were meant to be together. We went to the same school and you got to live out here by yourself, occasionally visiting your grandpa that lived close by. Although I saw you in a new light, the flames that faded still had embers present. I spent the entire day going on dates with you. Compared to you, I was just gloomy.

When I got home, I talked to our maid, served siesta, which was compulsory and waited for my father. When he got back home, he would spend the night telling us about his work tales. I called it that because I knew about half of them were lies but I listened anyway because the intent was pure. I wasn't one to count lies through shades. A white lie was technically still deception but I considered it a bubble wrapped lie. More pure and innocent than a baby.

Two

Nothing more Nothing less

I had to smile more

I needed a bigger heart

One capable of filling him with joy

The same joy he desperately wished I had

I needed a heart the size of two

If not…

My life had no purpose. As long as we were both happy, everything was going to be okay. We needed all the simplicity we could get. When I first heard the words “ignorance is bliss” from my classmate. I bullied her to the point she quit school, or better still, took a break. She was the one that hurt me first. I could taste that disgusting self serving, partially optimistic taste on the tip of her tongue. It infuriated me to no end.

How could you be so lazy as to say something like that? You are running away from something and feigning ignorance? Are you that fragile? No..Are you that stupid? If your partner cheats on you without your knowledge, all the happy memories you have with her at that moment are bliss because they are laced with ignorance. When you have a feeling you are being cheated on but refuse to dive further, that is not bliss, that is agony. That is despair. You are simply an idiot who loves running away and ironically, you will never stop running away from that feeling.

‘Willful ignorance’ is a lie and those that use it recklessly deserve the worst life has to offer. You showed me your true colors. In turn, from the tip of my tongue, you shall taste my disaster. Luckily, I already had an excuse to move schools, cities even due to my grandpa who I barely knew.

I had you,Father, Miyu, our maid. In my own twisted way, this was all I could consider family.

  My father barely ever brought up writing. It’s not that I forgot. I just didn’t find any soothing words. He eventually built a little, cozy book store in Hakone for fellow book nerds and that too, was a success. What was even more impressive was how he did all this without charging a single yen.

But yet again, the man wasn't satisfied. One day, he was asked by Miyu during a casual conversation. I believe it was 'We're already so proud of you, so who are you doing this for?'. Indeed, who were you doing all this for? On one hand, I could picture all the hard work you spent making your mystery novels, only for something you considered a side project to be all you were known for. But then, on the other, I understood everything. It was a curse known as love.

You want to know why love was not deserved? It was because it was absolutely conditional, a loan that was so heavy, that you questioned it. It was a thing of such beauty and disgust. I personally considered it a curse. Which is why, despite the fact I was with you, I don't think I could really love you. My Father beared the curse of Ichika Yano.

These feelings only made sense to me after I created a journal for the sole purpose of reprimanding myself. My father couldn’t do that anymore and quite frankly, I didn’t blame him. I caused that man enough suffering so I had to take responsibility for that. Every night, just like a ritual, I poured all the hate that clouded my mind into that book.

Anytime I reread it, it brought me back down to earth.

At this point, I was a regular at the literary club even though I never officially joined.If not for attendance rates, I would have willingly skipped every other activity. My heart was not big enough for two. Hell, it wasn’t big enough for me. In the process of making my father happy, I made myself hate him.

As much as I refused to admit, nobody was happy but we were alive, at least. With time, these wounds will disappear.

Shortly after, my father passed away. Cause of death: suicide by hanging. You can only imagine the horror. To see my father hanging down like a &%@#….

At that moment, I lost my reason for living. Curse my old man. He made me break my promise.

I still remember the warmth from my tears and the fact that despite not putting on any make up, it did a considerable amount of damage to my face. The fact that it was done in my room told me all I needed to know. I turned to the book and flipped through all the pages one by one. It felt like I was reading the novel made from an amnesic patient to an amnesic patient.

The only rebuttal I could muster up was tearing up the pages but the words couldn’t be silenced. I couldn’t take them back. I couldn’t contain all this venom. I couldn’t stop screaming. This was my great sin…

I blamed myself, I blamed you, I blamed my middle school homeroom teacher, I blamed my stupid classmates and I ultimately ended up blaming the man who I ultimately destroyed.

Kuzuya Reo, my dear Father was dead because of me.

At the time, even while these tears ran down my face, I couldn’t contain my laughter. It was so funny that I ended up coughing out a little bit of saliva. I was wrong, I was completely wrong. I never grew tired of running up a tunnel and having the end collapse. At the end of the day, I was nothing like her. I was sincerely more unfortunate, foolish, beautiful, unsightly and naive than she could ever be.   

"I’m still trying to wrap my head around this. Let’s say you did go to a love hotel. Why on earth did you take those photos?”

"...."

"Why are we wasting time with them when they're just quiet? Where are their parents? Guardians or whatever."

"Compose yourself, Sara sensei."

"Tch."

"You shouldn’t be causing your homeroom teacher this much stress. I completely understand her response.” he paused. “We don't need a response. We would be getting in touch with your guardians.”

“I’ve told you my Grandpa couldn’t attend a few times now.”

“So you can speak. Well, if he doesn’t, that’s fine. We’ll send him a letter. I have to say, I'm extremely disappointed in the both of you. Did you even consider the possibility that this could come back to haunt you? This close to graduation and this is the stain you choose to leave on your legacy. I don’t know about her, but for you, Housho…”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize to me. I’m not the one that has looked after you nor am I the one that would be receiving these reports later on. You can kiss any hopes of a scholarship goodbye. So, no. Don’t apologize.”

sigh

“I hope a two weeks suspension would give you some time to think about your future since that is the last thing on your minds at the moment. You two may leave now."

The principal never minced her words. It was honestly refreshing. It didn’t really bother me. I wasn’t particularly liked by my classmates and I always thought about quitting highschool anyway. But for him…

“Our pictures were leaked? How? That doesn’t make any sense. We were both…”

“I did it. I took the pictures and I also leaked it.”

"Megumi?Why?"

"Because…"

"WHY??"

"First time I've seen you yell. "

“What is wrong with you.You were the one that suggested we go there, why would you….Wait.”

“Has it finally clicked? It’s right in front of you but you keep ignoring the obvious conclusion.”

“I see..” seeing you in tears that day was undoubtedly devastating but I needed this to happen.

“You had no future so you decided to ruin mine.”

“Yep. I hate you.”

“I hope you die.” you left and never came back. I heard a few months later that you returned to France. Ever since then, I would cry myself to sleep. Hoping it would eventually get better.

“Don’t show up to the funeral, okay?”

“..Got it.”

 This was Miyu. Looking at her eyes, it had the same weariness mine did. It seems she read my diary too. No shit. She was the first person that saw my Father in that state. Therefore, I couldn’t help but accept her sudden req-- demand. There was nothing left here in Hakone. Nothing but old, thorny memories.

If I died right now, would I be buried next to my Father? I pondered on it for a bit and felt, perhaps the entire world would give me the benefit of the doubt and assume I deserved that. In truth, I didn’t know who made such a decision and I really didn’t want to.

He was a rather tall and lanky man. I heard back in high school he looked like a real delinquent and was extremely terrifying. After he lost his job, I guess the balloon was punctured. He had dark hair like many, his eyes the color of the ocean and from the moment I was born, I never saw him without the moustache. He was extremely diligent and often made me laugh. He knew a little bit of everything too, although not to a deep level. Most importantly, he never placed himself above anyone. He was a selfless hero. My hero.

Time had so brazenly swept me off my feet and before I knew it. I was already a shitty adult, trapped in a luxurious apartment, filled with books, oddly shaped souvenirs and half a dozen prizes from my books. Everything was ultimately meaningless.

The third time’s the charm. I declared that I would bring my father’s story to light and let the world know the hero known as Kuzuya Reo. It was a rough journey. Why?? Well because after all the fame and prestige, I still had not written a story dedicated to him.

But I guess that changed today. As I hurried down the stairs, abandoning the elevator I felt a slither of hope in my heart. It felt like I had a butterfly within me, fluttering in the endless darkness. I didn’t even notice I was without my shoes.

Trying to reach my editor was a pain sometimes, wasn’t I supposed to be the unreachable one? Anyway, I got in the car and went full speed ahead.

Without any warning, my life was snuffed out like a candle in the wind. I was involved in a terrifying accident. I was the only one that died that day. I died, yes, but I rose immediately. With my head covered in blood, it was even difficult to see. More difficult to think. But I was okay. If it took even a day for my revival, I would have been on the run my entire life. So I guess, it really makes no difference now.I died without doing anything for those I loved. And everything after has been silence..

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I..”

“You wouldn’t have left? You would have proposed to me? You did that already.”

“That’s true. I’m such a fool. I thought you loved me and I.. No, it was selfish. There was no specific time frame when it came to grieving.”

“The truth is.. I was scared.Because of that, I made one of many stupid decisions. Who the fuck is this Megumi chick anyway?”

“Don’t know too much but from what I hear, she’s always gloomy. What a loser.”

“And what about that creepy stalker we call Housho Hansha? I heard he kept coming back to Japan each time just to find the love of his life. Only someone like him would hear my sob story and think to himself ‘I should have stuck by her.’ even when she was very clearly trying to ruin his life along with hers.”

“He has a thing for suicide bombers.”

“And a poor sense of humour. At the end of the day, it was impossible for even him. Seriously, who does he----mmmph?”

He kissed me. I wasn’t expecting that. With our tongues wrapped around each other, I thought of how pointless this was, that was until he came on top of me.

We often did it, so we knew each other’s bodies like the back of our hands. What we indulged in afterwards was purely instinctual, strenuous and shameless. Hence my reluctance to go into detail. Afterward, we laid on the covers, covered in our body fluid. Perhaps a naked heart to heart was key after all.

Love was something so stupid, and unexplainable, I’m sure he felt the same way. Sometimes to those who didn’t deserve it, from those we’ve wronged, it was a weird currency that ruled us all. The moment you transcended that emotion, you were no longer human.

As we slept, I heard a few words, they were whispers but were also loud and clear.

“It feels silly to say this, but just like you, my ego is immeasurable. Just like you, I’ve tried not to let my trauma define you but it’s been rough. I also did some terrible things to women as a result. I’m no judge. What you described as despicable, I saw as honest. That’s why I hated both my parents. If you are committing a sin, at least be honest about it.”

….……………………………..

“I’m fading, huh? That’s just my style. When you wake up, it’ll click so there’s no need to wake you.”

….……………………………..

“I hated you. You’re a terrible person, but for some reason, I’m still glad I met you. And I’m glad I fell in love with you.”

….……………………………...

“I think I forgive you. It’s your turn now.”

….……………………………….

Sweet dreams, Hansha…