Chapter 6: The Catnip Incident

Living with humans is mostly great. I mean, do not get me wrong, there are downsides. We have to hide our true nature, we have to eat dry kibble that tastes like cardboard mixed with vitamins, and we have to use a litter box, which is a humiliation I will never fully get over despite doing it for five hundred years.

But the perks? The perks are fantastic. We get free rent in Tokyo, which is expensive real estate. We get central air conditioning. We get endless head scratches behind the ears, right in that spot we cannot reach ourselves. And we get to live with the Hoshi family, who are arguably the kindest humans on the planet.

However, there is one major, glaring downside to having a biological cat body that nobody talks about in the ancient scrolls.

The biology itself.

We might be ancient immortal spirits with the power to exorcise demons and manipulate the elements, but when those feline hormones kick in, dignity goes out the window. We are slaves to the instinct. If a laser pointer moves, we chase it. If a box is placed on the floor, we sit in it. And if the green dust comes out... well, let's just say we lose our minds.

It is Saturday morning. The sun is streaming through the sliding glass doors of the Hoshi household, illuminating the dust motes dancing in the air. It is a lazy, golden morning. The kind of morning where time seems to stretch out like taffy.

Naomi is home. She is in a "cleaning mood", which usually involves loud pop music and a feather duster. Currently, she is humming a catchy tune while aggressively dusting the shelves in the living room.

We are all relaxing in our usual spots, soaking up the peace before the inevitable chaos of the day begins.

Yoshi is sleeping on top of the refrigerator. He likes it up there for two reasons. One, it is the highest point in the kitchen, giving him a tactical vantage point (or so he claims). Two, the heat from the motor warms his belly. He is sprawled out on his back, his black legs sticking up in the air, looking less like a fearsome Geomancer and more like a roadkill accident.

Inoe is on the sofa. She is currently a calico cat, and she is obsessed with grooming. She spends hours perfecting her coat. Right now, she is licking her tail with rhythmic precision, stopping every few seconds to inspect her work. If a single hair is out of place, she fixes it. Vanity is her sin, but at least she smells nice.

Muji is under the coffee table. He is asleep, but his sleep is active. His orange paws are twitching. His whiskers are trembling. He is letting out tiny, squeaking snores. In his dreams, he is probably fighting a dragon. Or eating a really big tuna. Knowing Muji, it is probably both.

Kenuji is sitting on the armchair. He is in his grey cat form, sitting upright with a posture that is frankly unnatural for a feline. He is staring at a newspaper that Hajime left on the side table. He pretends he is reading the headlines, his eyes scanning the text. Occasionally, he lets out a huff of breath, as if disgusted by the state of the Japanese economy.

And I, Haruka, am sitting on the windowsill. I am watching a sparrow outside. It is hopping on the garden fence, mocking me. My tail twitches. My jaw chatters involuntarily. Kek-kek-kek. I try to stop it. I am a Divine spirit. I do not chatter at birds. But the bird is so... bouncy. I want to catch it. I want to bat it with my paw.

"Focus, Haruka", I tell myself. "You are above this".

"Oh, look what I found!" Naomi exclaims, breaking my concentration.

She is standing by the pet supply drawer in the hallway-the drawer where they keep the nail clippers (evil) and the brush (heaven). She pulls out a small, crinkly silver packet.

At first, I do not recognize it. It looks like a packet of treats.

But then, Kenuji freezes.

His ears flatten against his skull so tight they disappear. His fur puffs up. He stops looking at the newspaper and stares at the packet with wide, terrified yellow eyes.

I hear his voice in my mind, sharp and panicked.

"Do not do it, Naomi. Put the bag down. Walk away".

"What is it?" Yoshi asks sleepily, projecting his thought from the top of the fridge. "Is it dried squid? I like squid".

"It is not squid!" Kenuji yells telepathically. "It is the Green Dust! The Mind Melter! The Leaf of Chaos!"

Naomi does not hear him, obviously. She looks at the packet and smiles. "I bought this weeks ago and forgot! The shopkeeper said it is premium organic catnip mixed with silvervine! He said cats go crazy for it!"

"No", Inoe stops grooming. She stares at the packet. "She wouldn't".

Naomi rips the packet open.

Rrrrrip.

The sound is loud in the quiet room.

Then, the smell hits us.

It is not just a smell. It is a shockwave. It is a physical force that punches us in the nose and goes straight to the pleasure centers of our brains.

It smells like mint, but a million times stronger. It smells like musk. It smells like victory. It smells like the feeling you get when you finally catch the red dot. It smells like every happy memory I have ever had, compressed into a single molecule.

My pupils dilate instantly. The world sharpens. Colors become brighter. The dust motes in the air turn into glittering diamonds.

"Oh no", Kenuji whispers. "It is strong. It is the good stuff".

"No", Muji growls from under the table. He is awake now. His eyes are wide, the pupils swallowing the amber irises. "I am a warrior. I am a Guardian of Tokyo. I will not succumb to... ooh, that smells nice".

He crawls out from under the table. He is trying to walk away, but his legs are moving him toward Naomi.

"Muji! Hold the line!" Kenuji shouts. He tries to dig his claws into the armchair fabric to anchor himself. "Fight it! We are guardians of the world! We are... we are..."

Naomi walks over to the scratching post in the corner of the room. She sprinkles the green flakes onto the sisal rope. Dust floats in the air.

"Here you go, babies!" she giggles. "Enjoy!"

That is the breaking point.

Yoshi falls off the refrigerator.

He does not jump. He literally falls. He slides off the edge like a liquid shadow. He lands on his feet with a heavy thump, but he doesn't even look embarrassed. His cool, yakuza persona is gone. His eyes are black saucers. His mouth is hanging open slightly.

He abandons all dignity. He sprints across the kitchen floor, his claws scrambling for traction on the tiles. He drifts around the corner like a race car and crashes into the scratching post.

"Yoshi! Have some self-respect!" Inoe shouts telepathically. She tries to turn her head away. She tries to look elegant. But her nose twitches. Her paws betray her. She drifts sideways off the sofa, her body moving toward the catnip like a magnet. "I will just... inspect it. To make sure it is safe. For the family".

"It is a trap!" Kenuji yells. He is losing his grip on the chair. "She is drugging us! It is a chemical attack!"

Naomi giggles as Kenuji slides off the chair. He hits the floor and immediately rolls onto his back, pawing at the air. "Aww, look at Grey! He is so happy!"

"I am not happy!" Kenuji screams mentally. "I am... I am... wow, the ceiling is spinning".

I cannot help myself. The scent is overwhelming. It pulls me in. My resistance crumbles like dry leaves. I trot over to the post.

"Move over!" I yell, diving into the pile.

We converge on the scratching post. It is a frenzy.

Muji is already there. He is hugging the base of the post. He is drooling slightly. He is bunny-kicking the post with aggressive affection. Thump-thump-thump.

"Take that!" Muji yells, but he is laughing. "And that! You taste like green magic!"

Yoshi is rubbing his face directly into the flakes. He is purring so loudly he sounds like a chainsaw. He looks up at me, his face covered in green dust.

"Haruka", Yoshi says. "Haruka, look. The post. It is a dragon. I am wrestling a dragon".

"It is a post, Yoshi", I say, but then I look at the post. It does look like a dragon. A beautiful, ropey dragon.

"I am going to eat the dragon", Yoshi declares. He licks the rope.

Inoe pushes her way in. "Make room! I need to roll in it!"

She flops onto her back on the carpet, right in the fallout zone where the flakes have landed. She wriggles. She twists. She looks like a fuzzy worm.

"My fur!" Inoe giggles. "My fur is electric! I can feel the universe vibrating!"

Kenuji has given up. He is batting at a flake of catnip floating in the air. "Calculations...", he mumbles. "Trajectory... velocity... shiny..."

For ten minutes, we lose our minds.

I forget about evil spirits. I forget about the Edo period. I forget about Kuro and the Eclipse and the fate of Tokyo. I only know that this green dust is the greatest thing in the universe and I must become one with it.

I rub my cheek against Muji's flank. He kicks me in the head gently. I don't care.

"We are a pile", Muji observes profoundly. "We are a pile of cats".

"We are the universe", Yoshi corrects him. He is now lying upside down, his head on the floor, his butt in the air against the post. "Everything is connected. The floor is connected to the wall. The wall is connected to the ceiling. It all makes sense".

"Yoshi, you are drooling on me", Inoe complains, but she doesn't move. She is too busy staring at her own paw. "Guys. Have you ever really looked at a paw? It has beans. Toe beans".

"Beans", Kenuji agrees. "Pink beans".

Naomi is watching us, laughing. She takes out her phone.

"Oh no", Kenuji whispers. "She is recording. Blackmail material. We are ruined".

"I don't care", Yoshi says. "I love her. She brought the green magic. She is a goddess".

Naomi films us for a minute, cooing about how cute we are, and then she puts her phone away. "Okay, have fun, you weirdos. I am going to make lunch".

She leaves the room.

We stay there. The intensity of the high begins to fade, replaced by a heavy, lethargic fuzziness. The "zoomies" phase is over. Now comes the "melt" phase.

We are left lying on the carpet in a messy heap of fur and limbs. I am draped over Yoshi. Muji is using Kenuji as a pillow. Inoe is sprawled out flat on her stomach, looking like a rug.

The room stops spinning. The colors fade back to normal. The scratching post stops looking like a dragon and goes back to being a rope-covered pole.

Silence descends on the living room. The only sound is our heavy breathing.

Slowly, the shame sets in.

Yoshi lifts his head. He looks dazed. His fur is mussed up. A flake of catnip is stuck to his wet nose.

He blinks. He looks around. He sees us. He sees the mess of green dust on the floor.

He remembers licking the post.

"We never speak of this", Yoshi says. His voice is hoarse.

"Agreed", Kenuji replies. He sits up shakily and adjusts his invisible glasses. He tries to smooth down his fur, but he looks like he stuck his paw in a light socket. "This never happened. It is a gap in the records. A classified event".

"I feel weird", Inoe groans, rolling over. "My head feels fluffy".

"That is because you rubbed your head on the floor for twenty minutes", Muji points out. He stands up and stretches. His joints pop. "Man. That was intense. I feel like I fought a war and won".

"You fought the carpet", I remind him. "And I think the carpet won".

Muji looks at the carpet. There are claw marks in it. "It was a worthy opponent".

I stand up and shake myself off. Green dust falls from my white fur. "We need to clean this up. If we leave this here, we might relapse".

"Good point", Yoshi says. He sneezes, launching the flake from his nose across the room. "I will bury it. Or eat it. Probably eat it".

"No more", Kenuji says firmly. "We have lost enough dignity for one day. We need to regain our composure. We are the Siblings. We are feared warriors".

"I am a feared warrior", Muji says. He looks at the remaining dust on the floor. "But... maybe just one more roll?"

"I want more", Muji whispers, his eyes dilating again.

Inoe smacks him with her tail. Whap.

"Snap out of it, Tiger", she scolds him, though she is eyeing the dust too. "We have to maintain standards".

"Lunch", Yoshi says, trying to change the subject. "I smell tuna. Naomi is opening a can".

The sound of a can opener echoes from the kitchen.

Whirrrrr.

Our heads snap toward the door in unison. The catnip is forgotten. The shame is forgotten.

"Food", we say together.

We scramble to our feet. We run to the kitchen, tripping over each other, sliding on the hardwood floor.

"Meow!" Yoshi yells, running in first.

"Meow!" Inoe chimes in.

We circle Naomi's legs, weaving between her ankles, purring and begging.

We are ancient spirits. We are powerful yokai. We are the protectors of Tokyo.

But right now, we are just cats. And honestly? It is not so bad.

As long as nobody checks the security camera footage of the last ten minutes, our reputation is safe.

Probably.