Warring Factions.

I’ve got my fancy little pince-nez balanced on my nose and I’m speaking in a slow, pompous tone (not that you can see it)—but honestly? I don’t know jack about Geopolitics. Just like you.

The word’s made of “Geo” and “Politics,” right? If we break it down, it probably means something about diplomacy, shady deals, and world domination—basically Command & Conquer, just with uglier UIs and fewer tanks.

Some nations are making alliances. Others are slapping embargoes on each other’s exports. A few keep mumbling about “recession,” and those words alone make my imaginary knees tremble.

Big dudes and girls have logged into this global server under their real names and started their own game of Economic Sim + Military Tactics 3000. And they’ve completely forgotten something kinda important: you’re scared shitless.

So who’s thinking about you? Exactly—no one but you.

Even I—your inner voice, your cognitive NPC—I’m just a part of your mental bundle. A voice inside your head, handcrafted by your own fear-fueled neurons. That’s why we—me and you together—need to cook up some kind of survival strategy for this looming nuclear nightmare that’s starting to look a little too real.

There’s scary stuff happening all over this damn planet. Stuff that could fry your libido in seconds. Even your beloved futanari girls aren’t smiling as warmly from the screen anymore. Now you see that sardonic death grin on their faces, and it hits different.

As much as you wanna pretend it’s not happening—war in Ukraine, threats from the Middle East, North Korea, and the rest of the end-of-the-world bingo card—this stuff is shaking you out of your comfy, slow-paced existential crawl.

Why are they doing all this? Why did the entire world suddenly decide to LARP as a creepypasta?

1) China.

They definitely want something from someone. This mega-powerful country is running a sleek economic expansion campaign, weaving through global politics like a sly merchant in a JRPG. They’ve got lawyers, economists, and politicians by the truckload. So if they’re so good at what they do… why might they end up smack in the middle of the global shitshow?

Well, it’s not like anyone there’s doing a rain dance with nukes. Most likely, it’s just the fact that they’re sitting dead-center in the furnace of international politics. Sooner or later, they’ll either be forced to drop their shady neutrality—or someone will just drag them into it, hard.

And don’t forget—they’ve got a lot of people. Statistically, there’s gotta be one hot-headed dude out there who remembers his Harmony OS password, hits the wrong button, and whoosh—missiles in the sky.

Yeah, I can tell—you’d rather be nowhere near that guy.

So yeah. We’re not going to China to hide from nuclear insanity.

2) North Korea.

Do I really need to explain this one to you? Wait—what?! You want an explanation?? Alright, fine…

Kim Jong-un doesn’t spend all his time in barbershops and bespoke military fashion studios. In between those hobbies, he occasionally scowls. And when that happens—uh-oh. Big trouble could follow.

So yeah. We are definitely not taking shelter there, comrade.

3) Russia.

Now, don't start, okay? There are not bears walking around in ushankas. I mean, technically they’re there, and yeah, you can slap a hat on their heads, but I seriously doubt they’ve mastered the fine art of balalaika solos. Though honestly, I do know you'd love to teach them how to dance Kalinka- Malinka with their matryoshka girlfriends.

But—Putin is there. That’s a confirmed fact.

And he probably hangs out in the Kremlin quite a bit, discussing world-shaking plans. I’m also

guessing he’s a fan of cosplay, just like you. I mean, how else do you explain him regularly dressing up as an anime villain and threatening the world with his “nuclear punch”? Sure, he’s not aiming it directly at you, but let’s be real—you feel that hit even from outside the octagon.

And since you’re not a fan of pain—neither inflicting it nor receiving it—we’re not buying any tickets to St. Petersburg today. Nope, not heading that way.

4) Iran.

As your loyal inner mentor, I deeply mourn the tragic passing of your internal linguist—the poor soul who perished after consuming one too many dodgy burritos of wrong definitions. I don’t mean

to guilt-trip you, but... yeah, that was kinda your fault. You keep mixing up Iran and Iraq! And you’re still not sure which one’s scarier for you.

Wanna hint? It’s the one with the “N” at the end.

Also, Iran might just have that spicy little toy you're trying to outrun—the one that glows in the dark and ruins skin-care routines. So, yeah, you two probably shouldn’t be planning a spa day together.

5) USA & Europe.

Bro, I got you. Hold on tight, and don’t make any dumb moves.

This corner of the world? Yeah, no hiding here. Every country’s tied up in that red string wall map that detectives use in crime shows to connect serial killers. And guess what? Every suspect in the upcoming nuclear whodunit is on it. That includes the good ol’ US of A and most of Europe.

Wanna run away, holding hands like we’re Frodo and Sam? Hell yeah, I’m down! But let’s think it through first—where do we start our little trek to Mount Doom?

Oh wait—you just gave me a solid idea. Perfect for a starter location!