Ch 3: Futons and Follies

It was a crow in the window that broke my sleep, and I laid there, quietly wishing that they had taught the crows normal English.

“Get outta the sack, man!” The crow barked at us, sitting proud on the window sill. “The Man’s in orbit! Grub time, daddy-o!”

I growled, eyes still closed as Brody rolled over from under her blanket.

“What is that black-feathered bastard saying?” Brody grumbled, pulling her pillow over her face.

I cracked an eye open, glaring up at the crow. “He said the sun is up, and it’s time for breakfast.”

“I’ll show him breakfast.” Brody barked as she whipped up the pistol she had been keeping under her futon, a gleaming Beretta M9 in stainless steel.

The crow, knowing when to scram, flew away with a panicked squawk.

Deckard chuckled from his own futon, leaning up on an elbow. “Try not to shoot the crows, Brody.” He looked towards the table, and nodded, his assumptions clarified. “I was right, ghosts took the trays.”

“Grand.” I wheezed, leaning up off of my futon and rubbing at my face with a palm.

After getting dressed, we put away our little ground mattresses and sorted our linens into the cabinet. We went to the bathroom in shifts, Brody going first and then Deckard.

When my turn came around, I went to the toilets first, and let out a sigh of relief to see they were normal toilets. We had all agreed to wait until morning to use the facilities, as we had feared using a magical bucket at night in a spooky, magical castle was the wrong choice.

When I tilted the toilet lid up, I was further surprised to see a modern bidet, which did throw me for a loop.

“They can’t handle weapons, but they can spray their ass with water using modern plumbing… sure, why not.” I muttered down at the thing, but took care of my body’s urgings.

After purging my system, I shaved, staring at myself in the mirror as I worked my razor.

I still looked the same as I ever did, the unremarkable person who could shift into any set of clothing, in any country, in any state, at any time. I had grown my beard out once, but it was just the same boring brown as my hair, which I combed with a bit of holding cream.

I brushed my teeth, flossed, put on my uniform, then rejoined my compatriots in our room.

We geared up, the full compliment of magazines, side arms, armor, and medical gear. Deckard went for his fast-helmet, while Brody and I settled for patrol caps, since the two of us didn’t think anyone would be firing back at us.

Our plate carriers probably didn’t need plates, but that was a harder habit to break.

We first found ourselves in the place all the wizards and students ate, the room we had walked by the first time.

The smells didn’t… smell like breakfast, and as we walked inside with our weapons in front of us, a lot of eyes jerked our direction.

“Smells like dinner.” Brody said with a sniff, and we found space at one of the low-set tables.

Scooching a cushion under my cheeks, I helped Brody store her machine gun under the table. Judging by the panicked looks of the students around us, they apparently thought we were going to sit somewhere else. The laughing teachers confirmed this, but I was hungry and just wanted some food.

Brody’s statement felt true as I started gathering things onto a wide plate, smiling at the students around me who talked in quiet, hushed voices. There was rice, of course, which I filled a bowl with, then more miso soup, grilled fish, and vegetables. I spied some eggs and grabbed the rolls as well, adding them to my plate.

I smelled eel, and pointed at it, the students quickly filling a small plate with it and handing it to me.

I nodded my thanks, and started eating in the military manner that was all we knew. Brody ate like a starving woodland creature, shoving rolled egg into her mouth and chewing loudly while pouring herself some water.

Deckard was more formal like me, eating with deliberate movements, but politely.

Within ten minutes we had consumed enough calories to fuel our morning patrol, leaving the students around us bewildered, and maybe even a little horrified. Brody was still grabbing food as she followed Deckard and I out, snatching up handfuls of mochi and red bean pancakes.

Without any orders besides “wander around”, we split up, each taking a cardinal direction to wander. I still wasn’t sure why they just wanted three of us, as an entire Platoon would have been better suited for a place this large, and I was starting to believe there was something “wizardy” about it.

I found myself wandering around some rather long hallways that ran around the classrooms, and found myself in a tidal wave of running students as their lesson bells began to ring.

I stuck my back to a wall as a mixture of first, second, and third years scrambled around in front of me, sliding open doors and ducking into classrooms. Wands and books were waving and flying everywhere, and I had to duck a few times to avoid being brained with a tome or two.

As quickly as the rush came, it was gone, and I was left alone in the hallways once again.

“Fuck’s sakes.” I muttered to myself, checking all my pockets to make sure none of the students had skittered off with something I owned.

Oddly enough, I was missing nothing but laden with candy.

Fishing through my pockets I found modern wrapped candies, chocolate bars, taiyaki fish, and silvery rectangles of yokan, a jelly snack that was likely going to impact itself into my back teeth.

Not a bad welcome, and it sure as hell beat Afganistan’s.

Unwrapping a chocolate truffle, I made my way further down the hallway and saw a partially open door.

Curious, I popped the chocolate into my mouth and stepped silently towards the cracked sliding door, cutting the angle so I could peek inside.

Within the classroom, students were sitting at traditional ground desks, their wands out and waving as they followed their teacher. Some of the students had the wands I expected, wrapped in different colored wires and adorned at the end with bells. Others waved rods of actual stone, likely jade judging by the color, while some slowly waved thicker-handled wands adorned with a mess of bells attached to a spiraling coil of wire.

One thing for sure, it was a lot of noise when combined with their voices.

With a yell of surprise, one male student using a long stone wand sent a cup flying into the ceiling, shattering the porcelain and raining shards onto himself.

“Pay attention, Minoru!” His teacher bellowed, shaking his head with a trail of his long, white beard. “It’s smooth gestures, not jerking your wand around like you just bought it!”

The other students chuckled as their teacher wound the cup back together with his own wand, Minoru glaring at his desk as the cup clattered back down on top of it.

“Spooky.” I muttered, but moved on down the hallway.

It seemed to be a constant thing as I walked down the line of classrooms, voices and odder sounds echoing out past the thin, sliding doors.

It didn’t bother me much though, I was getting my steps in and digesting all the damn fish these people kept making me eat.

Eventually I found myself around the other side of the castle and approaching Brody, and she seemed eager to speak judging from her wide eyes.

“I saw them turn a goat into a chicken!” Brody yelled, but quieted down when I held a finger in front of my lips. “Like, a really small chicken!”

I shrugged. “We’re doing security at a magical school, I suspect we’re going to see weirder. Where you heading off next?”

“The lower gatehouse, figured I’d trudge around there for a bit and see how strong it is.” Brody said, pointing out the open window to the gatehouse below.

“Looking for a place to mount Bernice?” I asked her, and her sly grin told me everything I needed to know. “Right, well. I’m gonna do a pass through the teacher’s lounge area and work my way through the other classrooms.”

“Right-o.” Brody replied, waving me off as I trudged on.

It took a little bit of finding, but I managed to identify the teacher’s lounge, a large area of multiple tables, kettles, hissing tea pots… and a mini fridge with a clear door. It wasn’t hard to spy the cola cans, and I made note of the plug-ins in the wall.

With this area empty, I moved on towards the lower floors with the more advanced classrooms.

A third of the way through my footpath I ran into a rather annoying staircase that kept shifting under my boots, as if me walking on it was tickling it. To find out the truth, I squatted down on a step and gave the step ahead of me a little scritch with my finger, and the step wiggled like it was laughing.

I took this staircase quickly, making a note of it in my patrol journal.

Coming around the stairwell I found myself walking between two sets of ancient samurai armor, which bowed towards me politely.

“Morning gents’.” I said to them, giving them a smart salute as I stepped past.

I was getting used to this whole magical school thing rather quickly.

These classrooms were a lot more bookwork, the students scribbling along on large scrolls of paper with a mixture of old and new pens, while one female student was happily writing away with a bright pink pen covered in a waving cat cartoon character. When I walked by, a few of the students who caught my passing waved at me, while others glared at me like I stank.

I know I didn’t stink, which means they were likely glaring at me for not being magical like they were. It didn’t cause me any pain, since they couldn’t even hold a pistol without burning like a vampire to holy water.

I was rounding around a classroom giving a history lesson when I came into another hallway, though I wasn’t alone.

I stopped mid boot-step when I saw that same yellow-skinned woman I had seen the day before, and she stopped as well, the two of us regarding each other from our ten foot separation.

She was wearing a hakama, one of the outfits I knew the term for, and she wasn’t wearing anything on her head, exposing her short, stubby horns. The skirt of her hakama was a dusky blue, nearly a purple, while her tunic was white and gray checkers, her long chocolate brown hair laying loose down her back.

It would have been mystical in itself, if it wasn’t for the fact I recognized the metal band graphic t-shirt she was wearing under the tunic.

I racked my mind for a moment, and the word slammed into my brain like a startled rabbit; She was an Oni, the horned folk that roamed the mountains and caves of the land.

Her purple eyes considered me, then spotted the translation earring that I was wearing.

“Good morning.” She said in a soft voice, bowing forward at the hips towards me.

I nodded my head, more for the fact I had an injured spine from Afghanistan and bending forward was rather annoying. “Good morning, miss.”

She leaned back up, blinking at me as her eyes slowly came down to rest on the rifle laying across my chest. Her jaw clenched, as if she was wanting to say something she knew she shouldn’t, but she instead bowed forward again.

“Thank you for keeping the students safe, here at our school. I hear tale of you killing a troll on the way here, on the train.” She said, leaning back up. “With a single blow.”

I dipped my head forward an inch in recognition of the compliment. “It was good practice.”

Her lips twitched prettily, exposing a pearly white canine until she wrangled her smile away. “Of course. Well. I won’t keep you from your patrol.”

“I would hardly find you unwelcomed.” I said matter of factly, though I inwardly cringed from how matter of factly I said it.

I had a bad habit of being openly flirtatious due to my work, and it had bit me in the ass more times than I could count.

To my surprise the yellow Oni woman seemed taken aback, smiling brightly for a moment before mastering herself.

She cleared her throat with a hand held in front of her face, then placed her hands back in front of her. “I’m afraid I have other engagements, and am needed in the history room.”

“A pity.” I said with a smile, keeping up the ruse to try and get on her good side; I had not seen anyone like her so far in the castle, which meant that she was likely rather high ranking in this place.

I stepped to the side, my back to the wall, and I gave her the hallway. She walked by with an even pace, cool as a cucumber and without a sideways glance at me.

My eyes trailed after her, and I whistled inside my head when I spied the rear of her skirt bouncing like it was.

“Not bad.” I whispered to myself, giving my rifle a rattle before setting off down the hallway.

Nothing else of real note happened along the way, except for the “staff” running about and doing little errands. I was not super well versed in Japanese folklore, mainly the major hits, but there were a lot I didn’t recognize.

A lot of them were rather short little critters, just under three feet tall, and had the faces of animals. Just in this hallway alone I had spotted some with the faces of foxes, badgers, and dogs, while there was another turtle-like fellow that was trundling along with a snack tray.

He had been rather kind, and had given me a little warm pancake filled with custard.

The rest were running messages, books, materials, or just generally cleaning, stepping to the side to let me pass.

Being the jerk that I am, I started stopping to let them pass, which led to a rather amusing Mexican standoff between me, three fox faced folk, and a badger creature that was holding towels.

Each of us had taken a part of the wall to let the other pass, the hallway open, and we were all looking at each other as if waiting for the other to flinch.

A pair of samurai armor suits traded coins back and forth, clearing betting on who would break first.

One of the fox faced folk broke first, having been holding a tome that looked rather important, and quickly sprinted down the hallway with a flash of his tail. The other two chittered and barked at him in Japanese, the words causing me to crack a smile as my earring translated the words.

“Where are you going?! We have to let him pass by first!” One shouted at the runner, gesturing towards me.

The runner half turned, eyes panicked. “Mr. Wayuga needs this book right now! I’m already late!”

There were harsher words traded, such as breaking protocol and being a coward, but I just chuckled.

The remaining two fox folk glared up at me, while the badger faced creature rolled her eyes and started walking forward.

“The normie is just going to out last us, come on.” She muttered, her stubby tail perked in anger.

The two fox folk made “I’m watching you” motions with their fingers, pointing from their eyes to mine, and I answered them in kind while sticking out my tongue.

After that it became a game; Depending on who’s back hit the wall first, they could then demand the slower passer to go onward. It got to the point that the animal-faced folk would rush, if not push, their fellows towards the wall in order to beat me, but there were a few times where I got to watch them walk by me while giving me a fair bit of lip.

When I came across Deckard, he was looking rather confused.

“Hey, Taylor.” He called out to me, his rotating shotgun wobbling at his hip. “What is with the little foxie faced people throwing themselves against the wall and glaring at me?”

I shrugged. “Beats me. How’s your walkabout been?”

“Uneventful.” Deckard replied, sniffing as he pulled out a cigarette from his breast pocket. “Know where I can smoke though?”

I grimaced. “Jesus, Deckard, we’re in an ancient castle, go outside and do that.”

“You think this castle hasn’t seen worse?” Deckard asked, plugging the cigarette behind his ear. “I saw a dude explode his hand on accident and splatter the walls in blood. A little ciggy ain’t gonna hurt anything.”

I waved a hand over my shoulder as I walked towards the next stairwell. “Do it outside, Deckard!”

I hated the smell of cigarette smoke, and really wished that Deckard would kick the habit.

It was bad enough that Brody chewed from time to time.

Before I got to the bottom of the stairwell, a loud bell rang above me from somewhere in the castle, and a crow landed next to me at the window.

“It’s afternoon man, grub’s in the big-ass dinin’ room.” The crow said boredly, spreading its wings in a stretch.

I turned towards the crow, tapping my finger along the lower receiver of my rifle. “Eyeball anythin' happenin' today, man?”

“Nah.” The crow replied, shaking its head and ruffling its feathers. “Somethin' fishy went down near the schoolyard's edge, but they ain't got the nerve to mess with it, ya dig?”

I nodded to the crow. “Understood, keep it cool out there, featherman.”

“You got it, gator.” The crow replied, then took off with a lazy flap of wings.

“What a weird fucking place.” I muttered, stepping off towards the stairwell I knew I needed.