Zombie Apocalypse With Just One Zombie.

But now let’s tackle a very real problem: how the hell are you planning to avoid getting swept into the chaotic glitter-vortex of the Brazilian Carnival? I know you’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits from past Comic-Cons, but dragging all that to your new crash pad is a logistical nightmare. Also, you can’t dance. And crowds freak you out. Still... I’d love to see you attempt samba. Purely for the comedic trauma.

So where exactly are we settling down in this beautiful land of music and memes? According to our global network of spy pigeons, Brazil offers exactly three options (based on your intel): the favelas, the beach, and the Christ the Redeemer statue.

Yep, that massive stone dude with outstretched arms. You could try moving into one of his palms, but you’re terrified of heights, remember? Plus it’s windy as hell up there, and people might seriously misinterpret your move-in as a religious statement. And we’re not trying to get you excommunicated, are we?

So taking everything into account—including your partner’s latest field report—I’ve come to the conclusion that for now, you’re better off staying in your cozy little cave. You’re not exactly bear- like, seeing as you lack a proper fur coat, but I can tell you’re more than ready to hibernate.

You’re always exhausted from overthinking everything, but I’m not letting you off the hook, buddy. We’re only putting the relocation plans on hold because we still haven’t figured out how to keep you alive based on terrain type and survival conditions.

So download some damn topographic maps—and let’s get to work.

Zombie Apocalypse With Just One Zombie.

Yep. That’s you. You, my dear undead homie, are just as unfit for survival scenarios as your average walker. You can’t make tea, and you sure as hell can’t cook brains in béchamel sauce. So let’s figure out how you might at least fake being Bear Grylls if life ever flips the apocalypse switch... Speaking of which—

Hey, do you happen to have Bear Grylls' number? Of course, not real! Even the disembodied inner voice is afraid of lawsuits.

No?

Then maybe create a burner account and DM him, ask if he’ll be your apocalypse roadie. The man knows how to handle himself in the tundra and the jungle. And you do have something valuable to offer in return. Yup. The crown jewel of your inventory: a one-year Pornhub Premium subscription.

Oh, you selfish gremlin! Don’t wanna part with your Precious? Fine. I hereby revoke your New Zealand Hobbit Hole visa. Enjoy being alone. I’ll still be here—but only in ghost mode.

Now come on, let’s plan this nuclear weekend getaway of yours.