Do you have to lose to love?

It's hard for me to socialize… I don't think I've ever been good at it. But even so, I don’t like being alone. I don’t know why; it’s just that when I’m by myself, I feel this uncomfortable emptiness, as if the silence reminds me of something I don’t want to face. In my elementary school years, many saw me as someone “weird,” someone on the outside. But at least I had two friends who stayed with me—imperfect like anyone else, but enough so that I didn’t walk alone.

When I entered middle school, I spent most of my time with the only friend I had left. I followed him everywhere, clinging to that sense of security, because whenever I was alone, I felt like everyone was staring at me. Of course, it was only my perception… but to me, it felt real.

In my first year, something happened that changed my life: I fell in love. She was a cute, charismatic girl, full of life. I met her thanks to a “new friend,” or something like that. And the day I saw her… my heart started beating fast, as if it wanted to escape my chest. I got nervous—too nervous. It was the first time I spoke like that with someone I really liked. I asked her so many things… though today I barely remember half of them, maybe because I preferred to forget.

That first love was… the one I ended up hating the most. The farthest we ever got was a hug. Just one hug I never forgot—not because it was special, but because that relationship never became anything. Nothing more than an anecdote.

My second year passed without much happening. I went out with my friends after school, and for a while, it was fun.

At the end of that year, I met my first girlfriend. I didn’t feel much for her. We went out three times, and after a month, we broke up. Distance separated us… but honestly, more than distance, we were just two people who never really got to know each other. We were friends with a romantic label on top.

My last year began the same. Even though several friends left for different schools, I still had three by my side, and that was enough to make me feel okay.

With her I learned what it feels like to be truly loved. But I also discovered how painful it can be to lose someone because of my own selfish and childish decisions—choices that marked my life and that I still carry like a wound that never fully heals.

Sometimes I ask myself… is it really okay to love, if in the end it hurts so much?

And when did I start ruining everything? I’m not sure. But I do know when it began… the day I met her.