Cold December

Jeff ended up walking me home that afternoon, it had been a while since I’d been day drinking like that. It was mid-December and with the sun down it had gotten really cold.

-I think that went well for you, Jeff said as we walked and staggered down the street.

-You made me sound like a fool.

-You got to talk to her. What was the point of hanging out across the street for weeks?

-I don’t know. I had to see her.

-But not talk to her?

-You’re right, I said as I got quiet. I hadn’t eaten much and I could feel the alcohol sloshing around my stomach. I wasn’t getting any closer to her. I almost blew it across the street from her district office that day. She thought I was a stalker. If it weren’t for bonding with Jeff after our fight, I might have destroyed any chance I had with Badger.

-Listen, Jeff continued, there’s an office Christmas party next week. You can be my plus one.

-Oh yeah?

-Sure, I like you. You’re funny, and you’ve got some fortitude.

We exchanged numbers and Jeff told me not to embarrass him when I show up. I told him I’d make good arm candy for anyone, man or woman. He told me I was full of myself and that only worked in my favor some of the time. I guess I was full of myself a lot, but I couldn’t muster it when thinking about Badger. I just got lost instead.

I spent the next three days diligently getting ready for the party. I picked up some formal looking clothes from the thrift store, I got a haircut and a shave, I even went out to get a manicure, something I hadn’t done in years. I never considered the importance of it but my last girlfriend had told me nails were one of the first places women looked to get an honest first impression. I liked the dirt under my nails. I thought they told people I wasn’t concerned about getting my hands dirty, but my ex-girlfriend said it just made me look like a slob. I stopped drinking for a couple days and made sure I got to bed early. I went out for a run every morning, something I hadn’t done since the summer. I went to the gym to get my energy levels up. I even cleaned my house, though I knew there was no chance I’d bring her back here after the party, it was more for my own mental health. I wanted to be in the right space when I finally had some one on one time with her.

Then I woke up the morning of the party with severe chills and a runny nose. I’d left the window open the evening before. Night air helps me sleep well, but in this case I started cursing myself for the lack of foresight. I started drinking ginger and turmeric tea as soon as I got up, then I tried to take a hot shower, but nothing helped. At about eleven in the morning I decided to take my temperature. It was a hundred and three. I hadn’t told anyone where I was going tonight. I sat on my bed scrolling through my text messages. I wanted to ask someone for advice but it would require so many explanations. Josiah had called and texted a few times, but I didn’t get back to them. I had other friends but I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. What can I say? That I have a date with someone I really like, and I don’t know when I’ll have the opportunity to go out with them again? Why, they’d ask back, can’t you just reschedule? Well, this person is famous, I would say. It was too much. Then I remembered I had Jeff’s number. I hadn’t called or texted him so he hadn’t showed up as I scrolled up and down my text messages wondering who to reach out to. I texted him and told him what was going on. He didn’t understand. Cold medicine + nap, he texted as a solution. COVID?!?! I texted back. A three letter response: LOL.

I had to get tested. It was the third year of the pandemic. The Omicron variant was everywhere but fewer and fewer people cared. Our city stopped releasing data regularly even before Badger’s election, and after her surprise election a lot of other restrictions started getting rolled back. I still masked when social distancing wasn’t possible, but a lot of people stopped. There I suppose Badger had a point. The city went too far in the other direction, with masking guidelines that didn’t follow the science, which desensitized people to when it was necessary. It doesn’t matter. Like I keep saying, this isn’t a political treatise. And in that moment, COVID wasn’t a political issue, it was an obstacle in my burgeoning romance.

I had a small stockpile of testing kits in my closet and went to retrieve one. I stood there a long time before finally taking one and returning to sit on the couch. Then I stared at the box some more as I sat there. I tried to think the situation through. No one at the party cared about the virus. They’d made not caring part of their identity. They wouldn’t care if I was positive, and I would wear a mask. I wouldn’t be able to talk to Badger, but at least I could see her. Or I could not take the test at all and just go, like Jeff said and I’m sure everyone at the party would agree. I’d been testing diligently for two years. Would I throw all that away, for what? For a chance to embarrass myself? No, I thought to myself, if I tested and it came back positive I’d have to isolate. I couldn’t go even though no one there would care. If I didn’t test, I could just mask and go.

In the end, I couldn’t bring myself not to test, and it killed me to know no one at the party would appreciate that I tested myself before showing up. None of them were testing or masking. I took the test and it was positive. I texted Jeff to let him know I wasn’t coming. Loser, he texted back in all caps.