Grieving

Rey was seated on the rough sands of Tatooine, sheltered by the shades of cliffs. She’d been on this system for a while now. Some would ask what the last Jedi was doing stranded on yet another backwater planet. She didn’t know herself why. Sometimes the Force pulled her to certain places. Tatooine was a special place for the Force. So here she was.

Poe and Finn still kept in touch with her after the events of the last battle, although of late they tended to be all over one another. The end of the fights had signed the beginning of their relationship. Not facing death everyday was a powerful factor. Rey couldn’t be more happy for the couple. Yet sometimes when she would notice their closeness, she’d feel a twinge of envy nestle in her heart.

Rey had never been foolish, pretentious or dramatic. How could she, when her life had been a series of misfortunes ? When you slave away just to get your water rations, things such as feelings become inconsequential. Love had been a foreign concept. She felt it of course, but nobody loved her for so long. Then her path had changed, opening her to so many things. Friendships formed in a war. Her masters, Leia and Luke, that she’d loved as much as she would have her own parents.

Opening your heart to people, she had learned, meant opening yourself to grief. Loving someone in a war meant suffering. She’d lost a lot during the war years.

There was a part of that loss that she still felt ashamed to admit aloud. After all, could you grieve something that never was ? But it had been here, lodged in the secret of her heart. A love known to late. A promise made and broken. Nobody knew of it, or maybe some of them suspected.

From the moment they’d met her traitorous heart had decided. It was pure foolishness. To attach herself to a lost cause.

But for the first time in her life, she’d felt deeply. Their connection rooted in the Force had tied them so closely. Intimacy was also foreign concept to Rey. Lonely in the desert for a life time. A forgotten orphan on a forgettable system. After he’d captured her the first time, she wasn’t alone, their connection a constant presence even at strange times.

She had dreamed with him sometimes, or was it her dream that he was following ? Their bond initially had displeased her, she hated him. But even then, it had been a strange comfort. To feel his presence in the dead of the night, to hear his breathing as if almost they’d fallen asleep in the same bed. One time he hugged her thinking she was asleep, but she’d been awake, eyes wide and heart fluttering. That embrace replayed a lot in her mind. She imagined how sweet it would be to turn around and face him. Count his freckles…

At times she still feels their connection like a lost limb. Like a ghost lingering close to her. Haunting her. Forcing her to never forget. To keep wanting more.

Tonight she senses it acutely, this physical loss…

With a sigh she gets up, her gaze set on the twin suns as they set, coloring the sky shades of pink and orange. For a moment she looks at it. A gentle breeze combs away loose strands of her hair.

Night falls on Tatooin and Rey turns around to go back to the farm house. She walks, feeling more tired then she’d anticipated. Used to long walks in the dune desert of Jakku, she’s surprised to feel so exhausted.

The small house of the water farm in view she keeps going. Her vision is a bit blurry, making her walk unsteady.

Suddenly she falls, her body going down without warning. Before darkness can claim her, a thought and a feeling die on her lips.

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