Peyota

I have two sacred missions in this life: to do battle with sandwiches that keep trying to leap into the grubby paws of this glutton, and thereby stop him from getting cast on The Biggest Loser.

Although… — the imp turned its head slightly and gave its human host a critical once- over, — maybe I shouldn’t interfere. At least he’d get some clout and a bit of cash out of it, and maybe, for once, he’d be of some use!

Flora hurried to remind him:

— You mentioned two objectives. What’s the second one?

The naughty little puppet stuck out its tongue — all the way down to his chin.

— Ooooh, now we’re talking about my main mission, baby! I was sent to this world to conquer every juicy pussy in this town! And guess what? You’re first on my list. Come here, sweet things!

For the first time ever, Copy and Evelyn were in complete agreement. From the first came a shocked

- Unthinkable, - while the second blurted out a blunt, - Fucking hell.

— Yeah, yeah, you said it! That’s exactly what’s gonna happen. Let’s dive into a slippery pool of pre- ejaculate, ladies!

— You’re disgusting! — Flora shouted, recoiling. It was the first time in her life she’d ever been that blunt. She even jumped up and moved closer to Evelyn.

Still, the man and his puppet stayed put, watching the casting director with disapproval.

While the host (or was he the sidekick?!) silently shook his head, the demon- puppet made a sad little face and spoke in a trembling voice, claiming to be the last (and only) surviving member of the Rimmin people — an ancient race wiped out by a natural disaster millennia ago…

Shy Flora instantly backed down, though not because she bought the nonsense the demon was spewing. She had already somehow accepted that if they were to talk with this guy, it would have to be via the puppet — to preserve the - integrity of the performance.-

The truth was, she just couldn’t stand seeing anyone — even a puppet — upset. Conflict made her deeply uncomfortable. She HATED tension and tried to avoid it at all costs.

Which raised a fair question: how the hell was she supposed to function as a director, a job that required constant arguments and creative headbutting? She was already starting to blame her aunt for dragging her into this circus.

Two things were keeping her from calling it quits and walking out: Copy’s snide little glance and that ever- present mental image of the coveted golden statuette.

So she played along, trying to carry on the ridiculous conversation with the strange man and his - pet.-

— Tell us, what kind of cataclysm wiped out your long- suffering people?

— Oooooh, it was a terrible catastrophe! And it’s about to happen again if you don’t kiss me right now, sugarplum — said the demon sadly. — Help me through this, baby. Let me taste those luscious lips! Hee- hee- hee!

Laughter erupted from deep inside the puppet. Its head flopped backward in a fit of uncontrollable mirth. That’s when Evelyn finally snapped.

— Listen here, you perv — the game’s over. I’m calling the psych ward, and you’ll be off to warm a cot in a padded room instead of warming a bed with some poor girl.

— Some girl- ? — The puppet gasped, clearly offended. — That’s rude. I meant that girl

specifically! And for the record, if you call the men in white, I’ll accuse you of racism! I’m the last of my kind, and you’re trampling my rights! You didn’t even ask my name before tossing around your accusations!

— Fine. What’s your name? — Flora asked involuntarily, instantly regretting it.

— My name is Campus! My cousin Krampus hunts naughty children at Christmas, but I — I chase naughty girls around college campuses on my home planet all year long. Ohhh yeeeah! Okay, okay, I don't do that... I don't harass women without their consent. And I also like to ski.

Evelyn pressed the X button and shut off the video, staring at her niece in silence. Flora spread her arms and said:

— Yeah… tough case. But I really don’t get why you even showed me that file. It’s pretty obvious we’re not putting him in the film.

Evelyn stared even harder and asked:

— And which one of us is the film buff here? You or me? Don’t tell me colorful characters don’t make good cinema.

— I’m not arguing, Auntie. But come on — he’s revolting! Have you ever seen a bigger misogynist?

— Well, I wouldn’t call him that, exactly — Evelyn smirked. — He seems to really like women, in fact. But yes, he’s a vile objectifier, no doubt about it. If we bring him on board, we’ll have to make sure he doesn’t get murdered on set for pulling stunts like that. But I’m up for the challenge. I want to see if he can handle me — because I’m not the one to mess with!

— Okay, fine. Let’s file him under - Pending Review.-

— Agreed.

Sesame opened again, and straight from the street into the casting- space plane stepped a new character — prompting a barely- suppressed gasp of admiration from Flora.

The girl was, by all directorial standards of beauty, absolutely stunning — her short bleached- blonde curls, a long scar slicing down one side of her right cheek, and muscular tattooed arms gave her the air of a seasoned pirate.

She entered with the same rolling swagger you'd expect from someone crossing a deck at sea — though in reality, it was just her sagging jeans tripping her up. Her tight torso wore a red flannel shirt in bold black checks, left unbuttoned, while her head bore no regal crown or thorny halo, but a bandana tied Tupac- style — knot in the front — and her feet completed the look with scuffed white sneakers.

Her olive skin seemed to glow from within, like it had been blessed by the entire cosmetic industry at once. Lush lashes and perfect teeth sealed the deal — this was someone painfully photogenic.

And just as everyone was silently tossing compliments her way, she flopped down onto a chair, straddling it backwards, and dropped the intro:

— Yo yo, homez, what’s poppin’? Heard y’all makin’ a flick, so let’s cut the crap and get straight to stackin’ them dollars. Just stuff ’em in this pocket, sugar. — She pointed at exactly which pocket she meant, and Flora, her voice trembling, replied:

— Uh, hello. Pleased to meet you…