Chapter 10:

Chapter 9.5 Special Chapter – Touko’s Diary

Welcome Home , Papa

Day… I don’t know. I don’t care.

Papa moved in today.

He smiled at me when he carried his bags inside. Mama smiled too, but I watched his smile more. Papa’s smile is different from anyone else’s. I can feel it. It’s warm. I want it all for myself.

Mama hugged him first. I didn’t like that.

Her hands around him looked wrong.

Her face too close to his neck.

She shouldn’t hold him like that. Not anymore.

I stood there and waited for Papa to notice me. He finally did. He said my name. Touko. The way he said it was soft. Softer than Mama ever says it.

I think Papa and I will get along.

I just have to make sure Mama doesn’t ruin anything.

---

Today

Papa cooked dinner. Mama kept talking to him, laughing like she wanted all of his attention. I sat beside Papa instead of across from him. I wanted to feel how he moved. When he held his chopsticks, I held mine the same way. When he drank water, I drank too. When he ate fast, I kept up.

Mama said it was cute.

Papa didn’t say anything. He looked nervous. I like that. It means he’s thinking about me.

Mama doesn’t make him nervous. She makes him comfortable. I don’t like that at all.

---

Night

Mama told Papa to sleep early because he looked tired. She kissed his cheek before she turned off the light. I watched from the hallway. I don’t think she saw me.

Why did she kiss him like that?

Why did she put her hands on his shoulders?

Why does she act like Papa belongs to her?

She already had a husband once. She already had love. She already had a family. Why does she need Papa too?

She doesn’t deserve him.

I watched their door for a long time. I could hear them talking. Papa’s voice is gentle even when he’s tired. I like listening to it. Mama spoke too much. Too loud. Her laugh annoyed me.

I don’t like listening to her.

---

Another Day

Mama says Papa is trying his best. She defends him whenever I don’t answer him right away. Why does she defend him? Papa doesn’t need her. Papa is strong. Papa is kind. Papa will understand things if she lets him think by himself.

Mama keeps touching his hand when they walk together.

Mama keeps leaning on him.

Mama keeps smiling like everything is hers.

I hate that smile.

---

After School

Papa picked me up today. I sat in the front seat. He asked about my classes, my friends, my homework. He asked gently. Mama asks like she’s checking something.

Papa’s voice makes me feel safe. Warm. Like he cares for me.

I told him I like him more now.

He looked surprised.

Surprised is good. Surprised means he didn’t expect it. Surprised means he’ll think about it later.

When we got home, I drew a picture of Papa and me. Mama wasn’t in it. She didn’t need to be. Papa looked better without her beside him.

I made the picture colorful. I made Papa bigger than me. Someone should protect someone. That’s how families work.

Papa asked where Mama was in the picture.

I pretended not to hear.

---

At Night Again

I watched Papa sleep. His eyes move a little under his eyelids. Dreams. I wonder if he dreams about me. He should. I’m thinking about him every day. Every hour. Mama says that love means thinking about someone when they’re not close.

So why does she leave him alone?

Why does she let him cook alone?

Why does she let him fold laundry alone?

Why does she go to work and leave him behind?

Mama doesn’t love him the right way.

I do.

---

The Day Mama Kissed Him

I hate writing this part, but I have to.

I walked into the living room because I thought Papa was alone. I wanted to sit next to him. I wanted to feel his arm against mine. I wanted him to read a book with me or watch a show. Something simple. Something only we share.

But Mama was sitting on his lap.

On his lap.

Her arms were around his neck. She whispered something. Then she kissed him. Not a little kiss. Not a quick kiss. A long one. Too long. Her fingers slid into his hair and he didn’t push her away.

I felt something inside me twist.

Like a rope tightening.

Like heat pushing through my chest.

Like being locked out of a room I should be in.

Papa looked happy.

Mama looked happy.

I felt sick.

They didn’t see me standing behind the curtain.

I pressed my nails into my palm until it hurt. I imagined Mama disappearing. I imagined her falling asleep and never waking up. I imagined Papa turning and seeing only me there, watching him, loving him, choosing him.

Papa hugged her.

Papa held her waist.

Papa smiled.

My vision felt blurry for a moment. I didn’t cry. Crying is for weak people. I only stared until my heartbeat calmed down again.

Mama shouldn’t touch him like that.

Mama shouldn’t kiss him like that.

Mama shouldn’t be here at all.

---

Yesterday

I heard them talking in the kitchen. Mama sounded excited. Papa laughed. I hate when he laughs because of her.

She said something about “a second child.”

Papa didn’t say no.

He said he would think about it.

They want a baby.

A baby between them.

A new child would take Papa’s time. His attention. His smiles. His stories. His everything.

I don’t want a brother or sister. They would ruin everything. They would cry. They would need Papa. They would sit in his arms. They would make Mama look important again.

I don’t care if Mama has a child.

But Papa…

Papa can’t.

Papa is mine.

Mama can be replaced.

A mother can be anything.

Aunties. Teachers. Babysitters. Neighbors. Anyone can be a mother.

But Papa can’t be replaced.

I won’t let them take him from me.

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Last Page

I followed them today. They didn’t see me. They held hands outside. Mama was talking about names for a baby. Papa kissed her forehead.