Happy World Pear Day

Somewhere in the Bosnian highlands...

"BUWAHAHAHA! Welcome to Ludi's kitchen!" A large man dressed like a jester laughed. "Today, we are making... CRAZY PEAR BURGER!"

It was Ludi. Ludi Joker, the head of Bosnia and Herzegovina's branch of the Jester cult. Infamous for doing horrible cooking tutorials, the bastard was at it again, and this time, he had a sponsor.

"Hey guys, I'm Bosco. I sell gold. Or I did before a scientist kidnapped me and fucked me up in the lab," a golden cyborg with the face and tail of a monkey stated as he appeared on screen.

Note that Bosco escaped the lab months ago due to me deciding to change the lore up, and thus is perfectly fine. The suit isn't even made of real gold.

"So we're here to cook pears?" Boone asked.

"Yes! We cook CRAZY pear parfait, CRAZY pear pizza, and... CRAZY PEAR BURGER! BUWAHAHAHAHA!" Ludi cackled.

"And where are we gonna find pears up here in these snowy highlands?"

Honk! Honk!

The two turned to notice a Volkswagen Amarok pulling up, and driven by none other than Dandy Dan himself.

"Dandy Dan, Dandy Dan, Dandy Dan, Dan, Dan,Dandy Dan, Dandy Dan, Dandy Dan, Dan, Dan... Dandy Dan, Dan... Ah fuck it. The fuck's wrong with the roads here? There's potholes and loud booms when I drive over some lumpy terrain."

"Oh, just a landmine. Common here," Ludi scoffed as he peered into the back of the truck.

Inside the truck bed were a plethora of pears, none of which seemed to have fallen out despite Dandy Dan driving over nearly every landmine in the region.

"Ah, the pears... quality," Ludi swooned as he took a bite out of one and gnawed on it for a bit before tossing it off to the wayside.

"And now, we cook. Using the gift that comes with every Amarok, the cookbook in the glovebox," Bosco declared as he opened the door to the passenger's side and opened the glove box.

Just as he said, there was a cookbook. Rick Ashley's cookbook.

"Oh, it's defective. We don't want some ginger prick coming here and singing about never wanting to give up or some shit," Bosco snarled as he slammed the glovebox shut.

Ludi then began setting up the ingredients on a wooden table. "To make CRAZY PEAR BURGER, first... pear bread," he declared as he smacked down to slices of bread before squishing whole pears into them. "Next... egg cake!"

Pulling out a mixing bowl, Ludi threw in some eggs, shell and all, along with some pears, and mixed them together with an illegally crafted power mixer.

"Next, yellow snow," he declared as he unzipped his suit and took a piss in the snow. "Then... drug cheese from San Paolo and shell of orgasm turtle," he chuckled as he threw some moldy cheese and a live turtle doing a mating call into a large vat of boiling water.

He then threw all the other ingredients, even the yellow snow, into it before turning to his flying camera drone.

"Finally... HUMAN SACRIFICE!"

"Guess we need the book after all," Bosco grumbled as he went back into the Amarok to retrieve the cookbook.

As soon as he opened the book, Rick Ashley himself appeared and began to sing and dance. "We're no strangers to love... You know the rules-"

BOOM!

Rick Ashley's body flew up in the air like a ragdoll before falling down onto the rim of the boiling pot and flopping inside.

"Besprijekorno [Flawless]!" Ludi smiled as he slammed down the lid of the pot.

A few minutes later the pot began to shake and out burst a bald green turtly muscly pear man. "Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down," the creature sang as he leaped out and began twerking and flexing his pecs.

"Finally, we kill ritual creature," Ludi stated as he smashed two rocks against the pear turtle's head.

Pear turtle went limp, allowing Ludi to smush two buns between his stomach and back, and slam the complete meal down on the table.

"It is done! CRAZY, CRAZY, PEAR BURGER! BUWAHAHAHAHA!"

However, Ludi's celebration was cut short by the sound of police sirens.

"Ah fuck. We gotta go. Don't wanna get jailed in a laboratory again. Ey, Dandy Dan, fire up the engine!" Bosco called out.

Dandy Dan tried, but the Amarok was out of gas. Ludi then walked over, but to his horror, there was no gas meter, or at least a digital only one.

"What fucking shit!? BUWAAAA!" Ludi roared as he whipped out an axe and smashed the console to bits. He continued hacking until he noticed the fuel sensor wire.

Whipping out a physical gas dial he likely commandeered from an old Golf, he slammed it into the sensor wire and moved the needle from "E" to "F". And like magic, the Amarok started up.

"Bosnian auto repair magic at it's finest! Now lets get the fuck out of here!" Bosco shouted as he leaped into the truck.

Ludi hopped in the back and rested on the bed of pears as Dandy Dan hit the gas and drove off, just as a horde of cop cars leaped over the horizon in hot pursuit.

"Stani! Uhapšen si [Pull over! You're under arrest]!" a cop yelled through a loud speaker.

"Jebi se [Fuck you]!" Ludi spat as he hurled pears at them.

Most of the pears bounced off the windshields, but some splattered. Others hit the ground and occasionally triggered the latent landmines lurking there. Eventually, Ludi and co found themself cornered as they neared the sea.

Suddenly, Pear turtle raced up to the Amarok, blood still oozing from the sides of his head, and took a sumo dance before the cop cars. "Never gonna give you up!"

But the cops rammed right into him, sending him flying into the Amarok, and flipping it upside down. Ludi, Dandy Dan, Bosco, and Pear turtle were all arrested and charged with illegal pear smuggling.

[End]