Altered State Of Mind

Nozomi is dead! Nozomi is dead?! Nozomi is dead! No, Nozomi isn't dead! Nozomi can't be dead! What's happening to me?! What are these colors and patterns that I didn't notice before?! Why is my heart beating out of my chest?! Why is Nozomi moving?! Nozomi is alive?! Why is Nozomi alive?! She was shot, wasn't she?! Charlotte shot her six times in the stomach! But... Nozomi is moving!

My hearing had been temporarily disabled due to the crackle of gunshots. What I saw before me were colorful fractals, materializing in mid-air and surrounding the body of Hidaka Nozomi, who had been coughing violently as blood seeped from her mouth and onto her skirt. Something was wrong with my vision; something was wrong with my mind. Moments ago, Charlotte ended Nozomi's life, but here she was, groaning in pain as she moved around like a zombie in her chair.

Charlotte yanked at my hair, bringing my face close to hers while my hearing slowly returned from a high pitched ringing. She said,
"I hope you learned your lesson, loser dog. You might not understand, due to the lysergic acid diethylamide I slipped into your mouth earlier, but I used one rubber bullet and five blank rounds on your precious Nozomi. Let this be a lesson if you ever try to defy me again."

I blinked rapidly, unsure of what exactly Charlotte was implying.

A... rubber bullet? So, Nozomi took a rubber bullet to her abdomen? She's alive! Nozomi is alive!

Uncontrollably, I began to cackle. I laughed and laughed so hard that my insides felt like they were rupturing. My breath came out in erratic howls of silent laughter, sending electric tingles shivering through my body as I belted out in a fit of psychotic behavior that I couldn't stop, stomping my feet and thrashing my head to the point that it hurt. Nozomi must have been terrified witnessing my descent, as she began to sob and beg for me to snap out of it.

"Please, Mika-chan! Just listen to me!"
She shouted over and over to no avail. I couldn't stop.

At some point, my vision had been completely taken over by the geometric deities that looked like twisted versions of Ninagawa Charlotte. They laughed at me, mocked me, and shot me in the abdomen simultaneously. I could feel every centimeter of metal pierce through my flesh at light speed, stuck in a loop of endless phantom illusionary pain that had no end in sight. I began to scream, but nothing came out, as my vocal cords had been destroyed during our game of heads and tails earlier.

Just how long is this going to last?! I'm trapped in an endless cycle of visual torture. I know this isn't real, but why does it hurt so much? Nozomi, please make this stop! Nozomi! Nozomi! Nozomi! Nozomi! NOZOMI! NOZOMI! NOZOMINOZOMINOZOMINOZOMINOZOMINOZOMI

* * *

Eventually, I seemed to have passed out after the peak of my descent into ego death. I wasn't sure how many hours later that I woke up, but I was strapped firmly to a hospital bed with my hands wrapped in bandages and an IV lodged in my arm. Everything ached. Next to me was a cellphone, and a small paper note taped to the screen that read,
"Call me when you wake up - Kazuya."

I let out a breathy grunt, unable to fully utilize my vocals. There was a fire in my throat as I picked up the phone, unsure of how to properly handle a device of such caliber. Swiping the screen a few times, I managed to unlock the phone and enter the home screen, where the only apps visible were contacts, messaging, and GPS. Thanks to Nozomi, I remembered her teaching me a few things about the usage of cell phones. Pressing on contacts, there was one number saved under the name Kazuya, and I immediately pressed call, slightly relieved to hear the monotone ringing in my ear.

After a few long seconds, I heard a familiar voice on the other line speak,
"You're awake, puppy. How are you feeling?"

Not so good.
I tried to speak, but my voice only came out as a faint whisper, which Kazuya hadn't heard.

"Puppy? Come in, puppy?"
Kazuya said again, his voice sounding a bit annoyed.

I said I'm here, Kazuya!
I shouted again, but only strained moans came out.

"Whatever, just listen to me. When you're finally discharged, give me a ring. Charlotte's been expecting you. I'm not exactly sure what you did to her, but I'm surprised she's giving you a second chance. You must either be an excellent fighter or be considered special to her, puppy."
Kazuya ended the call abruptly, his tone wavering with sympathy.

I recalled a moment a while ago when Kazuya had mentioned to me that he wasn't fond of, "torturing defenseless children," so I could conjecture that he probably felt some type of way about what Ninagawa Charlotte had just put me through. Combined with the little piece of information I heard shortly after that, when Kazuya told me he was, "missing out on quality time with his family," to train me in the red-light district, Kazuya likely had a wife and a child. Beneath the surface, I believed he held a deep, passionate love for children, and being stuck in a line of business such as crime, I'm sure even someone as scary as him had some lick of sympathy when children were involved in something drastic.

Whatever the case, I really wanted to see Kazuya as soon as possible. He had vouched for me once before, when Charlotte attempted to loop me into the drug trading process, but refused to give up on me as a loan shark. That had to have meant something, and I wasn't about to let his judgment be swayed by the rookie mistake of letting my emotions get in the way.

I decided then and there that I would never involve Nozomi in even a single second of my life ever again. I would sever all ties with her, and fulfill my duty as the Bara-gumi's lapdog, with no one by my side to save me. Deep down, I knew I had another hidden goal in mind, and would stop at nothing to ensure that said goal would be fulfilled. I would torture Ninagawa Charlotte in the exact same way she had tortured Nozomi. I would pull her teeth from her skull, break her fingers one by one, and shoot her in the stomach with not rubber bullets, but real .38 caliber brass bullets. I would kill Ninagawa Charlotte.

* * *

When I was discharged from the hospital, I received a plethora of information from a woman by the name of Hinako, an underground yakuza doctor. The first thing was that my hands, which had been pierced with Charlotte's hairpin, would heal fast, but leave some lasting nerve damage nonetheless. The second was that the flesh on my torso had been burned and almost liquefied to the point that I would have permanent scar tissue covering my body for the rest of my life, which didn't bother me in the slightest. The third, and probably biggest, piece of information was that my vocal cords would not properly heal for at least a month. This meant that I would have no way to verbally communicate with the Bara-gumi's leadership, nor would I be able to eat foods that weren't soft and cold. That pissed me off the most.

How could I, someone who's been living off scraps her whole life, actually be happy scarfing down yogurt and ice cream for thirty days?!

As I sat outside and waited for Kazuya, the late summer sun pierced its way through my skin and caused me to drip with perspiration. I thought that in this moment, ice cream for thirty days might not be so bad, but quickly remembered how spoiled I had been over the past couple weeks, indulging in piping hot ramen and soba noodles under an air-conditioned roof. I would never be able to experience Hidaka Jin's delicious food ever again, and it was all my fault. Jin was probably furious, having his daughter come home with missing teeth, traumatized and confused, all due to my own carelessness. Just like the day I took his finger, I wanted nothing more than to apologize... but this was something completely irreversible. I had single-handedly ruined his pride and joy; his daughter, Hidaka Nozomi.

When Kazuya pulled up to the hospital, driving in the familiar black sedan, he didn't speak a word. I sat in the passenger seat of his car, ready to receive my punishment at any given moment, yet it never came. The silence hurt more than something physical, as I had no idea what he was thinking or scheming. I could do nothing but wait anxiously until we arrived at Ninagawa Charlotte's office.