Chapter 13: The Door-to-Door Salesman

The Hoshi household is empty of humans. Hajime has gone to work at the factory, taking his gentle energy with him. Naomi is at university, suffering through a three-hour lecture on macroeconomics, which sounds absolutely dreadful. This leaves the house to us.

We are currently engaging in our favorite pastime: aggressive napping.

The air conditioning is humming, a beautiful, artificial breeze that makes the living room an oasis in the Tokyo summer heat. I am sprawled out on the cool hardwood floor near the hallway, my white fur pressed against the wood. It feels amazing.

Muji is sleeping on his back on the sofa, his orange paws twitching as he dreams of catching giant, slow-moving tuna. He is snoring. A soft, rhythmic wheeze-whistle sound that is annoying but also kind of comforting. Yoshi is on top of the bookshelf, his black tail hanging down like a pendulum. Kenuji is under the coffee table, curled into a perfect grey circle. Inoe is occupying the best spot in the house-Naomi's silk cushion on the armchair.

The world is quiet. The world is peaceful. The world is perfect.

Ding-dong.

The sound cuts through the silence like a knife.

We do not move. Not a muscle. We are masters of ignoring things that do not involve food or danger.

Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

"Ignore it", Kenuji projects lazily into our minds. "It is probably a delivery. If we do not answer, they will leave a slip".

"I am not moving", Yoshi agrees from the bookshelf. "I have achieved a state of liquid matter. If I move, I will spill".

We wait. Usually, the person waits thirty seconds and then leaves.

Thirty seconds pass.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

Someone is pounding on the front door with a fist.

"Hello? I know someone is home! I can hear the air conditioning compressor running outside! Open up!"

"He is persistent", Inoe mutters, opening one eye. "And loud. I hate loud people".

Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

The doorbell rings continuously now, a frantic, annoying rhythm. It is like a drill boring into my skull.

"Oh, for the love of fish", Yoshi growls. He sits up, his black fur bristling. "I am going to see who this idiot is. If it is the mailman, I am going to bite his ankle".

Yoshi jumps down from the bookshelf. He trots into the hallway and jumps up onto the shoe cabinet to peek through the small window beside the door.

"Target identified", Yoshi reports. "It is a guy in a suit. He looks cheap. His tie is crooked. He is sweating profusely. He has a clipboard and a crazed look in his eyes".

The man outside starts shouting through the mail slot. The metal flap clatters as he pushes it open with his fingers. "Hello! This is a limited time offer! Do you want to die from tap water? Do you want your insides to rust? I am selling the Aqua-Pure 5000 Premium Filtration System! Your water is poison! Open the door and save your life!"

"He is selling water filters?" Muji asks, rolling over and falling off the sofa with a thump. He lands on his feet, looking grumpy. "Our tap water is fine. Hajime buys the good bottled stuff for us anyway".

"He is aggressive", Kenuji notes, walking into the hallway to join Yoshi. "I sense high levels of desperation. He has a quota to meet. He is not going to leave until he talks to someone".

"Should I scratch him?" Muji suggests, flexing his claws. "I can shred his pants. That usually sends a message".

"No scratching humans unless they are evil", I remind him, walking over to join the group. "Or unless they try to put us in the bathtub".

"He is annoying", Muji argues. "That is a type of evil. It is a crime against my nap".

The man bangs on the door again. "I am not leaving! I know you are in there! I can hear footsteps! Do not ignore your health! The Aqua-Pure 5000 is the only thing standing between you and heavy metal poisoning!"

"He is going to wake the neighbors", Yoshi hisses. "Mrs. Tanaka next door is already suspicious of us because she saw me opening a window latch with my thumbs last week. We cannot have a scene".

Inoe walks into the hallway. She stretches her back, arching elegantly until her spine pops. She looks at the door with a predatory glint in her calico eyes.

"Leave this to me", Inoe says. "I need to practice my charm anyway. It has been a while since I twisted a human mind around my little finger".

"Don't break him", Kenuji warns. "We do not want a police investigation because a salesman went insane on our porch".

"I will be gentle", Inoe purrs. "Sort of".

She steps back. The air around her ripples. Smoke puffs around her small body.

Poof.

She transforms.

Now she is standing there as a stunning eighteen-year-old girl. She is wearing one of Naomi's sundresses that she... borrowed... from the closet. Her hair is a cascade of black, orange, and white streaks. She shakes it out, puts on a dazzling, innocent smile, and unlocks the door.

She opens it just a crack.

The salesman blinks. He is a middle-aged man with a red face and a handkerchief in his hand. He looks like he has been walking in the sun for hours. He immediately jams his foot in the door so she cannot close it.

"Ah! Miss!" he shouts, too loud. "Are your parents home? I need to talk to the homeowner about the silent killer in your pipes!"

Inoe opens the door fully. She leans against the doorframe, crossing her arms. She does not look intimidated. She looks bored. She stares him dead in the eyes. Her pupils dilate, turning into vertical slits for just a fraction of a second before returning to normal.

"You are very loud", Inoe says. Her voice is like velvet. It is soft, but it carries a strange weight. It wraps around the man's mind like smoke.

The salesman pauses. He wipes his forehead. "I... I am sorry. But this is urgent! The water quality in this neighborhood is terrible! You need the Aqua-Pure 5000! It removes lead, mercury, and... and ghosts!"

"Ghosts?" Yoshi whispers from behind the shoe cabinet where we are hiding. "He is improvising".

Inoe steps out onto the porch. She closes the door behind her slightly, blocking his view of the inside. She locks eyes with him again.

"You are working very hard", Inoe says. She reaches out and touches the man's clipboard. Her fingers glow with a faint, barely visible pink light. "You are tired. Your feet hurt. Your suit is itchy".

The salesman blinks, confused. His aggressive sales pitch falters. "I... yes. Yes, I am. It is very hot today".

"It is a terrible day to sell water filters", Inoe continues, her voice dropping to a hypnotic whisper. "Nobody wants water filters. They want ice cream. You want ice cream".

The man's mouth hangs open slightly. "I... I like ice cream. Vanilla".

"Vanilla is good", Inoe agrees. "You do not want to knock on any more doors. Doors are boring. People are rude. You want to go to the park".

"The park...", the man repeats. His eyes are glazing over. The desperation is melting out of his posture, replaced by a strange, dreamy sluggishness.

"Yes, the park", Inoe nods. She points down the street toward the small community park at the end of the block. "There are pigeons there. Pigeons are nice. They do not yell at you. They do not slam doors".

"Pigeons are... nice", the salesman says. A goofy smile spreads across his face. He drops his clipboard to his side. "I used to feed pigeons with my grandma".

"That is a lovely memory", Inoe says. "You should go relive it. Right now. Go to the convenience store. Buy a loaf of bread. Go to the park. Feed the birds. Forget this house. We have excellent water. Our water is blessed by the gods".

"Blessed by the gods...", the man murmurs. He nods slowly. "That sounds... premium".

"It is very premium", Inoe says. "Now, go. The pigeons are waiting for you. Do not keep them waiting".

The man turns around. He looks down the street. "The pigeons are waiting".

He starts walking. He doesn't look back. He walks with a strange, bouncing step, like a child. He passes the Tanaka house without even glancing at it. He is on a mission. A mission to feed birds.

Inoe watches him go until he turns the corner. She smirks.

"Too easy", she says.

She slips back inside and locks the door.

Poof.

She transforms back into a calico cat before she even hits the floor. She trots back into the living room, looking smug.

"That was terrifying", Yoshi says, peering out from behind the cabinet. "You basically lobotomized him".

"I did him a favor", Inoe replies, jumping back onto her silk cushion. "He was stressed. Now he is happy. He gets to spend the afternoon in nature. And we get to nap. It is a win-win scenario".

"What about his job?" Kenuji asks, crawling out from under the table. "He might get fired if he doesn't sell any filters".

"If he gets fired from a job that makes him scream at strangers' mail slots, that is also a win", Inoe argues. She curls up and tucks her nose under her tail. "Now, silence. I have a dream about a salmon fillet that I need to finish".

"I wonder if he really will feed the pigeons", Muji muses, climbing back onto the sofa.

"I hope so", I say, lying back down on the cool floor. "Pigeons are funny".

We settle back down. The silence returns to the house. The hum of the air conditioner takes over again.

But the peace doesn't last long.

About ten minutes later, Muji lifts his head. "Hey. I am hungry".

"You are always hungry", Yoshi sighs without opening his eyes.

"No, really. All that talk about ice cream and bread made me hungry. Do we have any snacks?"

"Naomi bought those fish treats yesterday", I suggest. "They are in the top cupboard".

"We cannot reach the top cupboard", Kenuji points out. "It has the child-proof lock on it because someone kept breaking in". He looks pointedly at Muji.

"It is not child-proof if you are a genius", Muji says. He stands up and stretches. "I am going to get them. Yoshi, I need a boost".

"I am sleeping", Yoshi grumbles.

"I will give you the salmon flavor ones", Muji bribes him.

Yoshi's eyes snap open. "Deal".

They trot off to the kitchen together. I hear the sound of a chair being dragged across the tiles. I hear the click-clack of claws on the counter.

"Left a bit", Yoshi's voice projects. "Okay, now jump".

Thump.

"I got the handle!" Muji grunts. "Yoshi, push the little latch thingy".

"I am pushing it! It is stiff!"

Snap.

"We are in!"

"Jackpot!"

I hear the rustle of a plastic bag being torn open. The smell of dried bonito flakes wafts into the living room.

"Hey!" Inoe shouts, lifting her head. "Are you eating without us?"

"Muji started it!" Yoshi yells back with his mouth full.

Inoe and Kenuji sprint to the kitchen. I follow them, my stomach growling.

We find the bag of treats spilled on the counter. Muji and Yoshi are devouring them like they haven't eaten in weeks.

"Save some for me!" Inoe hisses, jumping onto the counter.

"And me", Kenuji adds, joining the feast.

We eat the entire bag. It is glorious. We lick the crumbs off the counter. We are full, happy, and satisfied.

"We have to hide the evidence", Kenuji says, looking at the shredded bag. "If Naomi finds out we broke the child-lock, she will buy the metal one with the key".

"Muji, eat the bag", Yoshi suggests.

"I am not eating plastic!" Muji yells. "I will poop weird for a week!"

"Just bury it in the trash", I say. "Push it way down to the bottom underneath the coffee grounds".

Muji does as instructed. He digs a hole in the kitchen trash can and buries the wrapper. It is the perfect crime.

We waddle back to the living room, our bellies full of treats. The sun has moved across the floor, creating new warm spots.

"Okay", Yoshi yawns, climbing back onto the bookshelf. "Now we nap. For real this time".

"Agreed", Inoe says.

"If anyone rings the doorbell", Muji mumbles, closing his eyes, "I am going to eat them".

"No eating humans", I remind him sleepily.

"Just a little bite", Muji whispers.

The house falls silent again. The salesman is at the park feeding pigeons. The treats are gone. The humans are away.

It is a good Thursday.

I drift off to sleep, listening to the rhythmic breathing of my siblings, five ancient spirits masquerading as lazy house cats, guarding the world one nap at a time.