Caleb - The Moment I Knew

The storm did not leave with the night.

It lingered into morning. Clouds hung low and swollen, as if the sky itself was reluctant to move on. 

Due to my severe concern over Aika’s well-being, I returned to the hospital early. In before visiting hours were meant to begin. Just a bit before the corridors filled with voices and footsteps. A sleeping hospital looked so strange. The air smelled of disinfectant and rain carried in from coats. Nurses and cleaners stepped with caution around resting patients.

Aika was already there. Maybe she never even left. She sat exactly where I had left her, by her father’s bed, though her posture had shifted. Less folded. Less braced.

‘He opened his eyes,’ she whispered, careful not to wake him up. My heart leapt.

‘Not fully,’ she added quickly. ‘Just for a second. But the doctor said it’s good. It’s very good.’

I giggled in glee before I could stop myself.

‘It is,’ I said. ‘It really is.’

She nodded, pressing her lips together, eyes shining with gratefulness. ‘Unn!’

Her father slept again, machines still humming their careful vigil, but something had changed. The room no longer felt like a place where hope had been locked out.

We stood there quietly, side by side. I want to pray a “thank you” to Lord, but when is the best time?

‘Can we go upstairs?’ she asked. ‘Just for a moment.’

I didn’t ask why.

*****

The rooftop greeted us with damp concrete and a sky still bruised from the night before. The clouds were thinner. Light seeped through in pale breaks. The city sighed beneath us

‘Caleb…’ she started.

Wind tugged at her hair. She leaned against the railing, exhaling slowly, as if releasing something she’d been holding for days.

‘Thank you for being there for my family. For being my rock. For bringing calm into my life. And… my heart.’

No one had ever said my presence brought them calm. Relief, maybe. Guidance, most of the times. But calm? That was something sacred. Something intimate. 

I felt something new take root inside me. Something terrifyingly warm and irreversible. Something priests like me shouldn’t entertain.

‘You’re welcome,’ I tried keeping my voice steady.

I will keep you in my prayers. No, I already do that… I will do anything for you… No, that’s wrong. What is it that I say in these instances? I have never seen a woman this way before. I had elected to live a life for the Lord since I was young. Lord, help me. What do I do?

She turned slightly towards me. ‘Can I pray?’ she whispered.

I was flabbergasted.

‘WHY OF COURSE!’ I may have overdone it…

‘Let’s thank the Lord for your father’s positive health progress.’

‘No, I’ve done that this morning already. I challenged Him. I said, if He was real, give me another sign, like when my father squeezed my hands.’

‘And then?’

‘That’s when he opened his eyes.’

‘That’s very good Aika!’ I cheered. ‘So we pray for you next then.’

‘No,’ she interrupted. ‘You. I want to pray for you Caleb.’

‘For… me?’ My voice cracked despite my efforts.

‘For you.’

Something inside me broke open entirely. I was too stunned to say anything. Or do anything, at that. She reached for my hand without hesitation. A boldness I didn’t know she had in her. Her hands were small and warm. Strong in a trembling way. And once our palms met, I understood something I had no right to understand. 

The woman I wanted to shelter was the same woman whose touch could undo me.

She bowed her head.

‘God…’ Her voice was soft. ‘Please bless Caleb.’

I closed my eyes eventually. I would’ve wanted to look at her praying face some more, but I also wanted to concentrate on her prayer.

‘Give him strength where he feels weak. Give him rest where he feels burdened. Give him clarity when he questions himself.’

I was taken aback by the whole scenario. So this is how she felt when I prayed for her.

‘Let him keep helping people with that gentle heart of his. And let him stay kind. The world needs someone like him.’

Her grip tightened slightly.

‘And please, keep him safe. Really safe. He doesn’t know it, but he’s precious. To You.’ A breath. ‘To everyone.’ 

Including me. She didn’t say it, but I felt it.

‘In Jesus’ name, Amen.’ She finished.

When I opened my eyes, the world looked different. It looked brighter and truer. I saw her fully. The woman beneath all the careful, frightened surface. She was beautiful, brave, tender and still hopeful, despite everything that had tried to crush her.

And in that moment, I knew. I knew in a way clearer than any scripture I had ever studied.

If I were ever to love someone, truly, wholly, without retreat, it would be her.

As I stared at our still intertwined fingers, a shiver ran through me. What do I do? Lord, what do you want me to do?

She didn’t know how deep this was becoming. She didn’t know the ground beneath my feet was shifting. But I did. I was very aware.

‘I think…’ I began. My voice was unsteady. And so was my heart. But I wanted to let her know, the way she let me know that I was her safe place. ‘I think I’m—’

She looked up, searching my face. Then, gently and firmly, shook her head.

‘I can see it in your eyes,’ she said softly. ‘No.’

Rejection? Protection?

She added. ‘Please.’

Something in me eased, even as it hurt. She still thinks I am someone above her… that being with her, around her, is something not good for me…

I nodded. Instead of words, she stepped closer and rested her forehead against my chest. I wrapped my arms around her. Just a hug. Nothing more. But strangely, it felt like a vow.

A flash lit the rooftop. I looked up instinctively, thinking lightning had returned. But there was no thunder. Little did I know, it was a storm worst than that.