The End of Us

After the tour, we had a long meeting with Stan and Jason about the future of EoT. We were already auditioning drummers before the press had even picked up Jim’s exit. Stan had been making decisions without us.

“So, you’ve agreed that Caleb’s referral, Reese Ramirez, will be officially joining EoT. We’ll bring him up here to Lowell. He’ll work with you to write the new record and rehearse for your spring tour,” Stan’s voice was confident as always.

I guess he decided I wouldn’t be finishing my last year of high school after all.

“Another referral from Caleb will be joining you guys in December.”

“Hold on, you’re adding another member without talking to us?” Kenny interrupted.

“Let me finish,” Stan stopped, looking at me. “Justin Warner will be joining you guys as your new guitarist after the album is released.”

Justin Warner was an interesting choice. He was twenty-four and in a bit of a down swing in his career. A former teen idol whose first album was a smash hit eight years ago, but he was never able to recapture the magic.

“The fuck you mean new guitarist?” Scott asked.

“After the second album comes out, Wes is done with Embers of Twilight. The decision has been made.”

“What?” I said, but no one answered. It didn’t matter. Stan wasn’t asking, he was informing.

“The last two tours were all I needed to see. This band can’t survive on the road together. I’d be a fucking idiot to repeat that mistake a third time.”

He was right, but I wish I knew this before the meeting.

There was a tense silence in the room.

“Well, I guess Wes is finally getting what he wants,” Kenny laughed. “Fucking loser…”

He snapped, splitting his knuckle on the table.

“What a waste of time…if I knew you were going to leave like this, I wish you would have told me from the start. Fuck!” He tossed his chair at the wall.

“Kenny, just…just stop,” Scott said. “I know this sucks, but we didn’t do anything to help the situation.”

“This is what we deserve,” his voice was sinister and full of longing.

Kenny stopped his outrage, shocked by Scott’s ambivalence.

“Look, this is what’s best for everyone. We’re not dropping EoT,” Stan regained the room. “Wes and Skye are my most requested writers at the label right now, and you get another album with both of them for free. Don’t you want to see what you can do without him?”

Stan’s smile was evil. He wasn’t lying.

“Everyone gets what they really want, that never happens in this business.”

“Scott, I have a bunch of demos from the road…but I’d rather start from scratch with you guys,” I said.

He met my gaze, “That sounds good…I’d like Skye in the room for the sessions though. I don’t trust myself to write any lyrics.”

“Why are you two accepting this so easily?” Kenny pressed.

“Stan’s right. This is what we signed up for, Kenny. We can either make the most of this opportunity, or live with the regrets,” Scott’s voice sat in the room.

I wasn’t expecting the end to come so soon, but we only had four months left.

***

Before we started working on the new album, and saying our goodbyes, I needed to fulfill my promise to Courtney. It couldn’t have been easy to see her brother’s mugshot on the news, especially after everything that was said between us.

We met at my parents’ place this time. The Parrises made it clear in so many words that they didn't want me to set foot in their house again, which was reasonable. Scott may not have resented me, but the rest of his family had the right.

Courtney looked healthier than she did before the summer. There was color in her complexion. Her posture wasn’t drooping. The time away from all of us was what she needed.

“It’s been awhile,” my voice was inviting.

“Yeah… probably the last summer break of our lives, and you missed it,” she joked.

“At least I didn’t break any bones this time.”

“Yeah, for once you weren’t the problem—” her voice trailed.

“I took the quiet nights on tour to reflect on what we talked about.”

“There were quiet nights on tour?”

“Yeah, contrary to what Scott and Kenny say, you can choose to stay in.”

There was a brief, but comfortable silence.

“You were right, I had changed back in the spring, and I think I’ve changed again heading into the fall.”

I paused.

“I’m taking my own advice… the part about letting go. I didn’t get to choose if I was staying with EoT, but learning to live without it…is peaceful.”

She frowned, “Moving on from something so important to us was easier than I hoped. I understand. Without it… without the band being in my life, I have so much energy. I rediscovered joy in the little things.”

She tried to smile, but failed.

“I hate how I could move on from all of it, but I still couldn’t get over the feelings I have for you… I don’t know what kind of love it is, but it just won’t leave. Even after Scott got arrested. I blamed you. I tried hating you. But it didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry.”

My voice was somber. How honest could I be?

“Honestly, Wes, how do you feel about me?”

I considered my response for a while.

“I don’t think a day goes by where I don’t think about you. I don’t know what my life would’ve looked like without you in it.”

She met my gaze.

“I wish I made up my mind when we were younger. I wish I was honest with myself. I didn’t want to fall in love with you back then. You were my bestfriend… I was Scott’s sister,” tears fell quietly.

“Now, none of that’s true, and you’re a lifetime away from me. You’ll be a star, traveling the country, living your dream with the woman you love, and I’ll just be here… going to college, living a normal life. The sister of a rockstar.”

“What’s so wrong with a normal life?” I asked, knowing I was the last person who should be saying it.

I shouldn’t have asked. This was a contradiction of everything I believed.

“If it was so great, why won’t you choose to live an ordinary life with me?” she asked, not wanting me to answer.

“Jim’s lucky,” I paused. “He’s ordinary. He’ll be a legend for the rest of his life in the local scene, and he got out of the machine on his own terms.”

“I never wanted to live a normal life. I knew the consequences of this lifestyle. I always knew it was a place you couldn’t come to… I honestly thought I was going to die alone.”

I smiled.

“When Skye and I fell in love, that saved my life—”

I was awful for saying it. No one should ever be told they weren’t enough, but it needed to be said. I promised her I wouldn’t lie anymore.

“Where does this leave us?” she asked.

“We have another year together. We’ll graduate together. We can stay friends. I’ll never be unreachable.”

She wanted to say more, but this was enough for now.

***

I finally made it back to Skye the night before Senior year started. She was on vacation with her parents when I got back. An earned family vacation, even though it was clear she was ready to leave them behind.

We were planning on moving somewhere together. It depended on Stan’s plan for our travel and writing schedule. I knew that life on the road would be difficult for her in a new place… I’d talked to Stan about what it would cost me to travel with her. I knew it was soft, maybe even weak, for someone in my position. But I didn’t know if we could make it without each other.

“I’m sorry that your time with the guys is ending earlier than you expected,” her voice was calming.

“It’s alright. I think the hardest part is that I have to write two albums at the same time.”

“How are you feeling about your ‘Wes Reau’ solo debut?”

“I’m excited… I’ll have the chance to shape every song. Session players will come in to bring it to life, and then we’ll take it on the road,” I paused. “I have the concept for it, the sound I want to be affiliated with. It’s different from EoT.”

“Well, that makes sense. EoT is a grungey punk rock band, and you don’t have the voice or the anger for it on your own. The last three singles you did were basically Wes Reau singles with EoT flavoring.”

She was right.

“It makes writing the second EoT album tougher. How much should I contribute? How much do you want to contribute? What is this album supposed to sound like?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe have Courtney and Maggie around the sessions, they might have a more objective view on what EoT is than anyone else.”

I sat with this idea. What was EoT supposed to sound like?

I didn’t like the thoughts that were swirling in my head.

“I don’t know how I wrote the first album anymore. Everything is different… I’m weaker than I was… I’m less than I was back then.”

“Okay, let’s workshop that idea then… that’s going to be the first song you start with, Less Than,” her voice brimmed with confidence.

We dropped the subject after that. Primal instincts took over. We didn’t sleep that night. We showed up to school raw and reeking of sweat, sex, and blood.