Aika - A Feeling I Couldn’t Unfeel

Once I recovered mentally from my own foolish spiral, I realized something important.

Caleb was still very much dying.

He was bent slightly forward now, one hand braced against the table. I hadn’t noticed he had already walked away from kabedon-ing me to grab a drink. His face was flushed, eyes were glassy, lips parted and panting like he was reconsidering every life choice that had led him to this rooftop.

I grabbed a bottle of milk from a separate container and rushed to him. ‘Drink. Now. Before you combust.’

He obeyed immediately and gulped like milk was holy water.

After recovering his breath, he looked at me and giggled innocently. ‘You were right. It was spicy.’

He smiled the most angelic smile I’d ever seen. Even better than toothpaste commercial models. 

You silly, silly man. You were just dying and then now you smile at me like everything is ok? Just how much more adorable can you get?

Some spice stuck to the corner of his mouth, and without thinking, I reached up and wiped it away with my thumb.

There. All clean. Caleb is just but a boy. Not yet a man. What did I expect. Even two years senior me in age, he’s still innocent. Not meaning any offence in saying this, just the truth. He is just a cute virgin ma— boy. Just purely from the lack of experience, doesn’t know the hearts of ladies. I should’ve known better than to expect anything. Then again, men other than my father had been animals… How was I to know there’s people like Caleb out there?

His entire body froze as I kept touching his face while I was deep in my thoughts. He went absolutely motionless. He stared at me like I’d just recited forbidden curses. I watched the realization dawn in his eyes as I pulled my hand back slowly. The “oh, this is why Aika looked flustered earlier” look. The delayed understanding. The internal screaming.

Oh, now you get it. I smirked smugly. Silly innocent priest. I swear.

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. ‘Th—thank you,’ he said as he scramble to decide where to look. My eyes, my hand, or my lips.

I smiled sweetly and as innocently as I could muster. Like I hadn’t just committed emotional arson.

‘Um,’ he said as he clearly wrestled with something in his mind. ‘I don’t usually comment on how ladies look. Or faces. Or anything, really.’

I raised an eyebrow. ‘Caleb?’

He gestured vaguely toward his own upper lip. ‘But there’s… there’s sauce. On you. Like a… a moustache.’

I gasped. ‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’ This was from when I proved to him how “not” spicy the chicken was?

‘I didn’t want to be rude!’

‘It’s rude not to tell me!’ I protested.

So I wasn’t imagining it! He was indeed looking at my lips earlier! That why I thought he wanted to kiss me! Turns out my face was just dirty AAAAAAAAAAAAAA~

‘I’m sorry! I didn’t know which was worse.’ he said quickly.

I frantically rubbed at my mouth and told my heart to relax. 

An Italian lady who visited the cafe a year ago for the famous Izu coffee shared about her husband who was a former priest. She said they are awkward beings who haven’t had the chance to explore having one to one moments with ladies and are utterly useless with signals and things woman do to show interest. She is absolutely correct. 

Caleb reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. He leaned in and dabbed at my mouth. The fabric was so thin it might as well not have existed. Shit. Trouble.

I felt everything. The warmth of his fingers. The careful pressure. The way he went still the second he realized what he’d done.

My face went hot instantly. His eyes widened. We stared at each other and froze in shared horror.

‘I—’ he started.

‘I—’ I echoed.

Emotional stalemate.

‘There you two are!’ Someone said. Mutiple voices, footsteps and laughter followed.

We recoiled from each other like startled cats. Caleb dropped the handkerchief in horror. I caught it as I stepped back and tripped over a chair that ended up catching me, thankfully.

By the time all my family reached the table, we were at opposite ends. Both pretending very hard to be deeply invested in literally anything else. Suddenly the graffiti on the hospital roof looked like an art gallery that I was admiring indeed.

The whole time I was facing away, my lips were still tingling. And judging by the way Caleb refused to look directly at my face, his were too. Nothing had happened. But everything had happened at the same time.

We ate in silence after that. We still both interacted with everyone else, and then eventually each other. Every stolen glance felt like a question neither of us was ready to answer yet.

My folks eventually asked me if I said anything untoward towards Caleb. Probably from sensing how far apart we selected to be. The version they eventually formulated was that I forced him to eat the spiciest chicken, so he had to retreat at a safe distance.

I was the victim of this all chicken kerfuffle and emotional hurricane yet somehow I ended up being labelled the criminal.

Somewhere between grease-stained fingers and shared laughter, I felt an increasing awareness of everyone’s love. My family’s care for father, my parents love for each other, their love for me, and Caleb’s presence, for me. 

I looked towards his direction and our gazes met. He was already looking at me. Oh Caleb…

I realized something terrifying. This wasn’t comfort anymore. This was attraction.

And we both knew it.