No Backing Out

I only just managed to slip through the dorm’s front door and get out of sight before I completely lost what remained of my little composure. The burning heat I felt on my face, which had been hidden by the cold outside, suddenly hit me at full force.

I sat in one of the chairs in the lounge area and leaned back, starting to go over the events from earlier in my mind the best that I could.

It all started with walking into that meeting room and seeing Liam there.

As hopeful and optimistic as I tended to be, even I had already conceded that it would just be the three of us there. No part of me was even hoping to see Liam, which was probably why I was so caught off guard.

Either way, that wasn’t the part of the day that stuck in my mind the longest as I sat there. My thoughts were almost entirely centered around the end of our conversations.

No matter how you look at it, I was fully about to explain my feelings in front of everyone there.

I’m not sure why, maybe it was the feelings of trust in the other people present. Maybe it was the overwhelming excitement of the confident and free-flowing manner of our interview. Regardless, it wouldn’t have been the right time or place, I was sure of that much.

If it wasn’t for the moment of hesitation before I spoke, I may have been balled up beneath layers of blankets in my room right now, trying to forget the public rejection.

Or I could have been on the phone with Tea, excitedly relaying today’s events.

There are any number of possible alternatives to that scenario, but I saw myself drifting too far as I worried about the possibilities.

Forgetting about all of that, I made my way back up to my room, the reflection turning into contemplating my options.

No matter the journey, the result of a promised explanation tomorrow was one I’d want to consider. I had a few options, each as daunting as the last.

As tempting as it was, I quickly ruled out the option of calling off Liam’s joining my training tomorrow. I’d long since made a decision to be bold and decisive, and as scary as it was, this was my chance to make something happen.

The only question in that case, was the how.

How would I go about explaining these feelings to him? Saying it all as it came to me was an easy enough answer, after all I was certain I would’ve been able to today, but there was more to it than that.

Where would I talk to him? I’d already said that it would be while I trained, but I couldn’t rely on the gym I used earlier in case others showed up, and I hadn’t even given him a time or asked about his schedule.

The more I thought about it, the more I was worried, and partly hopeful, that tomorrow’s promised conversation might not happen.

That was, until I heard my phone buzz on the table, and saw Liam’s message asking where and when to meet me.

Part of me wanted to curse the remainder of our break and the flexibility it caused in our schedules, and part of me wanted to celebrate his willingness to give me his time.

I don’t think my emotions have ever been this chaotic before.

I thought about it for a minute or two, before asking him to meet me at the soccer field that we used for training during the semester.

The time I gave him was around mid-day, when the temperature would be merciful, if not agreeable.

As I sent the message, I quickly typed out another one, asking him to show up in athletic wear so he could join me.

I hadn’t been planning on asking him to play some soccer with me while we trained, but I’d have to blame my impulsiveness if that request backfired.

At the very least, even if I got rejected, I’d have a fun time teaching him to play to look back on afterwards. It’d be a sweet bonus from a rough defeat.

Shaking my head and chiding myself on the negative viewpoint, I made myself some food and went about with my regular activities. Especially given the harsh cold lately, I have to ensure that I take good care of myself to avoid getting sick.

The last thing I’d want is to have to call out sick from tomorrow’s plans.

A few hours later, I laid down to go to sleep earlier than normal, guessing correctly that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep very quickly at all.

The morning sun greeted me the next day, and I felt refreshed from a good night's rest, having managed to sleep a few hours later.

As I got up and got ready for the day, I felt a variety of different emotions. However, the most noticeable among them was an overwhelming sense of confidence.