Aika - I Can’t Do This Anymore

I didn’t let him touch me right away.

Not that I didn’t want to. Gosh I missed the man. I just needed to know first if I could still stand on my own feet.

My body had stopped shaking mostly. My breathing had evened out into something functional. Bingo stayed glued to my leg like a furry anchor. His presence had more effect than any grounding exercise I ever had.

Caleb stood a few steps away. Not looming. Not retreating. Just there. Waiting. That mattered more than anything.

‘I know,’ I finally said. ‘I know why you did it.’

His head snapped up.

‘I saw him too,’ I continued. ‘I felt it before I saw him. Someone watching. Someone too close.’

I swallowed. ‘You weren’t wrong. You saved me.’

His shoulders sagged like he’d been holding himself upright by sheer will.

‘But,’ I said softly.

That single word was heavier than the rest.

‘My body didn’t know that,’ I finished. ‘And I need you to understand that both things can be true at the same time.’

He nodded immediately. ‘I do,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I swear I do.’

I studied him. Not Caleb the priest. Not Caleb the man everyone projected their fantasies or expectations onto. Just Caleb.

The one who had stood between me and danger without hesitation. The one who had knelt on concrete in the rain. The one who looked like he’d rather tear himself apart than ever frighten me again.

‘I was waiting for you,’ I said.

His breath hitched.

‘When you told me not to come back to Izu,’ I continued as I forced myself not to look away, ‘I was sad. And angry. And confused.’

‘Mostly missing you.’ I smiled sadly.

‘I didn’t mean—’

‘I know,’ I cut in gently. ‘I understand now.’

That seemed to hurt him more than anger would have.

‘You were trying to protect me,’ I said. ‘And yourself. And whatever fragile space we were standing in.’

I let out a slow breath. ‘And tonight… you panicked because you thought you were losing me.’

His jaw clenched. ‘I thought I already had,’ he admitted quietly. ‘And I couldn’t— I couldn’t let you disappear without knowing you were safe.’

I nodded. ‘I believe you.’

That was the truth. I really did. 

I stepped closer, just enough that the air between us felt charged again, but not enough to trap either of us.

‘I need you to hear this clearly,’ I said. ‘Everything you’ve done… every choice you’ve made… it’s been for me.’

He shook his head slightly with obvious pain drawn on his face.

‘Not just for you,’ he said. ‘For what’s right.’

‘Still,’ I replied. ‘I don’t want to be the reason your life burns.’

His eyes softened, but there was something unyielding underneath.

‘And I don’t want to be another man who brings fear into your life,’ he said. ‘Even by accident.’

We stood there, facing each other, saying all the things people usually say at the end before they break something off. Just before they walk away.

‘I have feelings for you too, Caleb’ I said plainly. No poetry. No armor. ‘I wasn’t imagining it. I wasn’t projecting. I wasn’t lonely.’

My voice wavered despite my best efforts. 

‘You have been my rock for the past year. I wanted a quiet time to heal here in Izu but I probably would have pulled all of my hair out from boredom if you weren’t here.’

‘I remember asking God why does He drop you everywhere I was, but now, it seems like He doesn’t want you around me anymore.’

His face crumpled just a little.

‘I feel the same,’ he said. ‘I probably just didn’t realize it, but it was probably there since the beginning. I have strong feelings for you Aika. More than I ever expected to feel about anyone.’

A painful smile touched his mouth. ‘And that’s exactly why this scares me.’

Silence pressed in again.

‘I think,’ I said slowly, ‘that if we keep going like this… we’ll hurt each other trying to do the right thing.’

He nodded. ‘I think we already are.’

I looked down at my hands.

‘I don’t want to be a temptation,’ I said. ‘Or a test. Or a lesson you have to survive.’

‘You’re none of those,’ he said immediately.

‘I know,’ I replied. ‘But the world won’t see it that way.’

That landed hard on him. I could hear Caleb’s heart break with each word.

‘I don’t want to be another cross you’re asked to carry,’ I continued. ‘And I don’t want to carry you like a secret either.’

He took a step back. Mmm… That’s for the better…

I did too. It felt like tearing something from my chest.

‘So maybe,’ I said forcefully, ‘this is one of those moments where love means letting go.’

He closed his eyes and took a very deep breath. When he opened them again, they were wet.

‘If this were another lifetime,’ he said quietly, ‘I would choose you without hesitation.’

My throat tightened. ‘In another lifetime,’ I echoed, ‘I wouldn’t be so afraid.’

We stood there, a few steps apart now. The distance was deliberate and respectful.

‘Caleb… I am sorry. I have to go.’ I said as I turned away hurriedly.

Every muscle in my body screamed at me not to. I took three steps away. He followed suit and took two steps away from me as well.

Caleb… 

And then… we both stopped. At the same time. I turned back. So did he. We didn’t speak.

We just crossed the space between us and folded into each other like gravity finally won. I hugged him desperately.

His arms came around me slowly, asking for permission. I nodded into his chest. He held me like something precious and entirely his responsibility not to break. I pressed my forehead to his. Our breaths mingled.

‘Wait for me,’ he whispered.

‘I will,’ I said. ‘But don’t disappear.’

‘I won’t,’ he promised. ‘Not from you.’

We stayed like that for a long moment. Then, gently and deliberately, we let go.

And this time, when we walked away from each other, it wasn’t because we didn’t care. It was because we did.

Somewhere deep in my chest, beneath the ache and the fear and the unbearable hope, something quiet and steady took root. Faith. In Caleb for most. But maybe on God’s plan too.

Not an ending. Just a pause.