This Has to Be a Lousy Joke, Right?

I wake up feeling wet and slimy from head to foot and slightly flattened like a pancake doused in too much syrup. I don't remember being born feeling like this. What gives?

I try to remember what that guy said to me before I woke up. Something about a little girl named Kimberly. No… That can't be right. People aren't born like this. Wait. The only good thing about waking up like this is I can use this feeling to get a good idea of who (or what) I’ve become. Let's see… No wonder I feel flat as a pancake. I basically am one. A slimy pancake with little flaps surrounding me. Oh, wait… no. Those flaps are part of me, too. Are they like fins? Have I become some freaky fish guy?!

Oh no… 

Okay, so I'm definitely a fish, and this is the water. No, wait… not a fish. Fish don't have shells. At least… I think this is a shell… It's, like… just sitting on me. I can't tell if it's part of me or something like a rock laying on top of me. No… it can't be a shell. Shells aren't this soft. I wiggle my little flaps in an attempt to start swimming. Definitely not a swimmer, but I discovered I can crawl. Slowly… Am I a snail? No… Snails don't grow this big. Or round. Can't be a slug either because slugs don't have shells (or big, blobby growths) like this.

Speaking of shells, I try to see if I can remove mine. Nope. It's just a big fleshy blob laying on top of me, but definitely part of me. I would try to open my eyes… if I HAD eyes!

Okay…

Okay…

Breathe. I wiggle my flaps some more. I'm definitely crawling now. It's a slow pace, but I am at least moving forward. I'll be able to explore my surroundings a little more.

The ground has an interesting taste to it, not quite leafy… but definitely green. Wait… how exactly am I tasting the ground? I stretch myself out a little bit. Sheesh, this crawling thing sure is hard work. Doing this, I find out I have a little wiggly tentacle thing… in front of me. I lay the tentacle across the ground. There's two little hooks on the end, I think…?

I scrape the hooks along the ground, scraping at the ground. More tasty nums, wonderful! So this must be how I can eat and what I eat. I'm not sure what it is, but it's delicious. Very green is all I can really say about it.

I decide to explore further, singing a little song to myself to hype me up for the journey. I don't quite remember where this song came from, whether I just made it up or whether it's some weird hidden memory. The song's catchy either way.

Well, I'm on my way. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. I'm taking my time, but I don't know where.

Hello, world! This… whatever it is that I am… is ready to take you on!

Eventually, I brush up against something. It's very different from anything I've felt thus far. It's very tall, much taller than me, and it seems to have a lot of little nubs all over it. Its body flows with the current of the water, and it seems attached to the ground, unable to move on its own, unlike me. Is this some kind of plant?

“Excuse me, do you mind? I don't know what you think you're doing, but I don't like it!”

It spoke!