Overthinking.

Arata will not stop looking at me.

I will not stop staring at the bowl of half eaten dumplings that are almost inedible now from waiting so long,Arata hands me a bag and we both get it filled for Cookie to enjoy later.

"Why did you tell me you found Cookie instead of the truth?Why did you do all the mean stuff you did to me?Was it really because of what you told me earlier?That you thought it would be your only way in with me?"

I ask him,again.
He seems exasperated now.

He puts his hands down on the table,no one else here but us at the restaurant and i am so tired i do not try to leave or move an inch.
He sits and looks at me so differently.

"I honestly only knew this kind of behavior Yuki,I truly believed that as long as you believed i was better i would become better....Would you believe me if i told you that i regret it all?"
"Not really...would like to but you became such a red flag and i hate myself for never even noticing that at all.You helped make things worse for me."
"Yet who are you talking to now?I am still i guess somewhere safe to you still or you may have forgiven me in some way."

I...
Forgiven him?

Maybe i have,i think this to myself as i finish off the last of the cupcake and wonder why i took a taxi  and came all the way here and maybe he is on to something.
I do feel something different with him,like he is different and so am i in a way.

"I acted like i did because i knew that attitude my whole life and i thought i kissed you once,felt like wonder and fireworks to me.
It was the moment i decided to have you forever and by any means.Now i know my consequence.I don't have you or the one i had no idea was my one or even the closest thing i had to a father with your Uncle.Now you are here talking to me out of fear that you will make a mistake,the truth?The truth is you are so scared of becoming your parents that you are throwing away a prince."

It takes a lot out of me hearing it.
I came and understand that the reason i came was an answer from someone in a similar situation.

We had a similar situation in some ways.

"I did not know that."
"What?'
"The reason you were so close to me after that birthday,you thought i kissed you?"
"I thought that I kissed YOU,instead i find out I kissed OIHA.Maybe had i know everything right then you and i would be friends,she and i would be talking and she would not have to have been...."
"I know...."

I turn in my seat and rise.
Arata makes no attempt to follow me but his words are in my head hard about Kenshin.

"She never stops wondering if you will try to talk to her again.
She is angry at you for not being who she thought you were but it doesn't mean you can't become better than what she imagines you to be.Maybe someday we can be friends again,not today though.Food aside and words though are a massive start to it...Bye Arata."

He waves at me.
I see how he looks at his phone,before i am out the door i saw that he flicked through pictures and found the one from my seventh birthday party where his love story that got twisted around began at.

I wonder,leaving the restaurant,if maybe he will get the happy ending.

Red flag turning green.
I am somehow like a yellow flag.

Caught between completely stopping and running headlong forward.

My Uncle,he took his heart and Kaoru took hers and ran forward.
Knowing without a doubt and are the happier for it,my parents took their hearts and ran with it and ended up divorced, finding others and living new lives.

That changed my whole heart,how i view affection to an extent i did not expect.

The moonlight is so bright tonight,just like our first date was.
I see stars and the others walking around me seem content in the worlds around them as i am trying to figure out what my contentment should be.

No one notices a lone young teenager,walking around in a kimono holding a shamisen like a child would.
I really do not care if anyone notices, that is all the better for me.

"It is a shock but a pleasant one!The princess of words and paupers shows those with money and power that power does not come from any lineage or paper that can float away on a strong wind.
That power comes from within,comes from being willing to speak when one would normally fall.Say what you will,she is a heroine to those of us afraid to be more out here!"

I hear this,when i turn i see through the window of an electronic store where it is coming from.

A reporter known for being a quiet sort is speaking about...Me?She is speaking about me and using all the footage that is being shown of me playing the shamisen,my words to the party then my exit,followed by Kenshin who looked at them with such fury.
All the men and women who made me feel like so much less.

It hurts,his eyes like that.
The way they looked earlier when I told him to let me go.

"What else can I do Shin?You should not have to go through what we did as kids because you are so confident and I am not....You deserve better than me."

My feet go on faster away until someone stops me in my tracks.

"Hi."

She is such a lovely little girl,she has little cherry blossom hair pins in her hair and is wearing a pastel pink dress that she twirls in her fingers as she looks up at me in awe.

"Hi."
"Will you sign my teddy bear?I want her to grow up to use words and help people like you do!"

I nod,I do not understand what she is talking about but she is adorable.
She hands me a worn teddy bear with hand sewn button eyes and a pretty matching dress.I sign its paw and glance around to find her parents,they are at the tables where a picnic area is by the park watching this whole exchange happily.

Happy parents.

The thought comes so quickly and takes its time leaving me but not alone in leaving me at all.

Being in a park,watching a little one run after daddy.
She takes my hand and drags me behind her to her parents who smile at me over this kindness that I did not think was such a large thing.

Her father takes her in his arms and pretends she is an airplane gliding her around on his shoulders while the mother and I watch.

"You have all the capacity to be more you know,words of stories go far but words of kindness and deeds save lives."
"I am not so bold or confident enough to be more than what you see before you."

She laughs.
Not mockingly but like I am not seeing clearly what is before me.

"You are made for their world Mori-San,to be someone to balance out us and them.
We need the hope we can become more like them but they need to be reminded that they can become us.Sometimes a flawed person who fights to become better is better than someone who appears so clean."

Why does everyone think I have so much to offer?

They wave bye,the child I overhear is going to tell the whole school about how I signed her bear and will become just like me someday.

"Be better than me.Not a confused weird and dumb girl possibly going to lose the love of her life over fear...."

That.
That right there.
No matter how much I try to overthink it,or try to tell myself otherwise I can not escape that.

I am afraid because I love him.
So,so much that I fear him.

"How do you believe so much,have so much faith in me when I fight you so hard,even unintentionally?I am constantly imagining every bad ending all the time and fight it in your presence because I want to feel just a little of your faith.How do I do that though?"

Rain begins to fall.
Softly,
I walk and play the shamisen,trying to match tempo with it and trying to let myself feel all of this out.

"GOD,you are amazing.Just a little rain is helping clear my fog...."

Give me a little time I do not deserve....
My love.

I will try not to keep you waiting.