Hate and Apathy

Morning light leaked through the blackout curtains when I came to. Ariel was already dressed down in joggers, pacing the room and scrolling her phone, the hum of her day already in motion.

“Doing anything fun today?” I asked, my voice still thick with sleep.

“Not really. I’m checking out some spots in Norwood and doing a couple interviews.” She glanced up. “Are you going to enjoy being back home for a second?”

I shook my head. “There’s nothing here I want to do. I’ll probably just sit by the hotel pool all afternoon.”

Courtney had texted at some point about meeting up, but I ignored it. I didn’t want to see anyone. Maggie hadn’t reached out since graduation, which was not surprising, but I would’ve welcomed her opinion on everything, even if she told me I was screwing it all up.

“That’s not a great idea, Wes,” Ariel said flatly. “You’re already spiraling on tour, and now you want to spend an entire day bored, alone with your thoughts?”

Her words stung because she wasn’t wrong.

“Even if I wanted to do something, it’s probably too late to make plans…”

She raised a brow. “Wes, it’s not even seven o’clock yet. You're just awake on my schedule.”

I blinked, disoriented. I hadn’t even looked at my phone, but I would’ve sworn it was closer to nine. Time wasn’t mine anymore, it belonged to her orbit, not me.

***

After sitting with Ariel’s prompting for longer than I wanted, I called Maggie to see if she wanted to grab lunch in Boston, since it was a train ride away for both of us.

She obliged, and we agreed to meet at North Station for eleven-thirty.

The commuter rail still sucked.

I sat in a quiet train car, the other commuters were buried in their phones with headphones in.

The conductor’s voice informing us of the arrival at our destination didn’t come soon enough.

I stepped onto the platform at eleven-fifteen. Maggie’s train was still ten minutes out. I killed time watching the morning rush swirl around me: suits, briefcases, people already worn out by the week. It reminded me how easy I had it. However reckless I was, I didn’t grind like they did. I was standing in Boston on a Friday morning because I had nothing better to do.

Her train came in two minutes late. She walked off looking more composed than I remembered: a violet dress, boots practical enough for city streets, and a brightness in her expression I hadn’t seen in years..

“It’s great to see you,” I said approaching her.

She leaned in for a hug, “Same, it’s only been like a month, but it feels like it’s been so much longer.”

“Do you want to head to lunch?” I asked.

“That sounds great,” she replied, bubblier than usual, clinging to the hem of my shirt.

We were going to walk to Giacomo’s from the station. I called in a favor for a lunch reservation before leaving the hotel.

I noticed the stares of the occasional passersby. We did look a little strange. I looked like shit, as usual, despite wearing a button down shirt and nice pants while Maggie looked prettier than ever in her violet dress.

At the restaurant, the host quietly asked for my autograph. Embarrassing.

“So, I guess you’re doing alright,” she teased.

“I wouldn’t go that far. Kind of famous, sure. Still a mess.”

“I guess we’re about the same then,” she said, stirring her drink.

I leaned in. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Her expression cooled. “Yeah. Since there’s no one else left to talk to.”

We ordered lunch, and then she said it.

“I doubt you’ve heard, but Kenny and I broke up after graduation.”

I froze.

“Before you ask why. It was just time. We grew apart. The emo sage I fell for turned into someone resentful, bitter. I still love the darkness in people, but not when it drags you under. I didn’t want to follow him into the grave.”

Her smile was soft but sad.

“Yeah…I get that,” was all I managed.

“Courtney didn’t. She called me selfish, said I should’ve stuck it out so Kenny had something to come home to. So the band wouldn’t fall apart.”

“And you didn’t care.”

She shook her head. “No. The band obsession is silly. I’m not living my life as someone’s support act.”

“I’m sorry it turned out that way.”

She sipped her water, then smiled faintly. “Don’t be. It worked out better than I thought. I figured I’d end up alone. But I still have you and Skye. Even from miles away, it’s more than I expected.”

“It is weird, isn’t it? Us ending up as friends. Our younger selves never would’ve believed it.”

We laughed as our food arrived, the sound equal parts comforting and strange.

“With your grades, I’m guessing you’re going the college route?” I asked.

“Yeah, state school in the fall. Basically a free ride with scholarships,” she said, trying not to brag.

“That’s impressive, even for you,” I smiled.

“Yeah, and you graduated ahead of me. Imagine what your path in academia could’ve looked like.”

I shrugged. “Never really considered it. My dad expected me to go, but it wasn’t where I wanted to end up.”

She studied me, gaze drifting past my shoulder. “So why this path?”

“Excellent question.”

“There was a time I looked up to my dad. Back in the eighties he went out to California to hit it big, he was going to be a rockstar. As a kid, I thought that was the coolest thing in the world.”

The smile on my face didn’t last long. “But then he and my mom drank themselves hollow. I started to hate him. So I made it my mission to succeed where he failed. I didn’t chase this dream out of passion. I chose it out of spite.”

Maggie blinked, then laughed. “God. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but that’s both depressing and perfectly you. I’ve asked every member of EoT why they do this, and you’re the only one with a real answer.”

“Really? I always figured Kenny had a similar story.”

“Nope. He just picked up a bass and saw it as his ticket out. That was it.”

We ate in silence for a while.

She broke it: “It’s funny. Courtney always thought you were just following Caleb. Like if he could do it, you could too.”

I laughed. “No. Caleb and I just grew up in the same wreckage. Spite got us through everything…”

I thought about stopping there, but when was I going to have another chance to confess my sins?

“The trauma of youth feels so far away. Sometimes I think I’m just grasping for a faint flicker of hatred. I can’t even remember why I’m angry anymore…I’ve grown numb to it all.”

I took a moment to reflect, the sunlight beaming into the restaurant.

“If I run out of hatred, will there be anything left driving me?”

Maggie pondered it for a second.

It wasn’t fair for me to ask her this.

“Well, Wes, that’s not something anyone can help you with, but I think you have a lot of other things you can tap into now.”

I gave a pained smirk.

We wrapped up our lunch, and made our way back to the station, dropping our conversation entirely.

“Would it be okay if Skye and I visited when things slow down in the winter?” I asked, cutting through the dull hum of the city.

“Yeah, I’d like to see you guys again…and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I went to you. I’d like to see your place in Nashville.”

“Skye would like that. She needs someone other than me,” I said with a smile.

We went our separate ways at the station.

I thought about reaching out to Kenny, but I decided against it. Better to let him spiral in peace.

***

I tried to choose peace for the rest of my night in Massachusetts. However, Courtney’s incessant calls and texts were making that incredibly difficult.

Sometime after six, I finally gave up on dodging her calls and answered. Her ninth attempt of the day.

“Sup?” I was disinterested.

“Wes, why have you been avoiding me?”

I thought about hanging up.

“I haven't been avoiding you. I’ve just been busy.”

“Wes, what could you possibly have been doing since midnight last night?” She was irritated.

“I was doing media relations with Ariel, if you have to know.”

I lied, but it didn’t matter.

“Did media relations have anything to do with hanging out with Maggie in Boston?” She pressed.

God, I hate social media.

“Courtney, why does it matter?”

“Wes, how could you come home and not see me?”

I could tell she was crying.

“Because I didn’t want to,” I paused. “I didn’t want to see you, hell, I don’t even want to talk to you, but here we are.”

There was silence on the other side.

How was she supposed to respond to that?

“Wes, what happened to you?” She managed through her tears.

“Nothing…I’ve just moved forward.”

She hung up.

Finally, I could enjoy some peace and fucking quiet.