Drowning In An Onsen

Being forced into treatment for something she didn’t consider a problem had left Kaho restless. Tiny spots of enjoyment had appeared in her first week, such as the ikebana class, a pleasant walk through the nearby forest, and her brief engagements with the “tired wolf”. After their phone conversation in the ikebana class, the two of them had not engaged with one another again. She didn’t know his family name, so “tired wolf” was still her default title for him. Somehow, that felt more appropriate than “tall, brooding, somewhat menacing sad boy,” which was the other way she referred to him in her mind.

If Kaho was going to be trapped in this mountainous escape for a few more weeks minimum, at least she had someone nice to look at. There was no expectation for anything beyond that. Years of awkward engagements and a steady lack of friends even within the Deaf community had left a strain on Kaho’s psyche that someone she just wasn’t a likable person. That had led to her slowly isolating more and more over the years, which did, in turn, cause her to feel even more uncomfortable and awkward when she engaged with people.

Still, it had felt slightly easy to “talk” to tired wolf for those few seconds.

When the weekend arrived, several of the facility’s patients were allowed to leave and return home for a brief stint. They were the least at risk. Those like Kaho, who were marked as “concerning,” were trapped until their initial treatment was complete. A corresponding number of staff also left, meaning the facility was now occupied by barely over half the usual number of people. This decrease in population gave the spaces a liminal, unfilled aura that was simultaneously surreal and disarming.

There was something strange about being in the massive complex and only seeing the occasional other guest. Aside from the dedicated staff who were always present and visible, there were times when Kaho would go a couple of hours without seeing anyone.

Even her aide gave her space. If Kaho didn’t currently need translation help, her aide would excuse herself so that Kaho could be alone. It took a few days, but eventually, Kaho found it in herself to ask the young woman’s name.

“Sayane,” the aide replied with a kind smile.

So now Kaho could at least name one person she was living with.

Beyond Sayane and tired wolf, Kaho did know one other person, but she understood she could never acknowledge it. One of the other ikebana attendees had been an older actor. Kaho recognized him from several samurai movies that would play on daytime television. Now, he was a frail older man with thinning hair. Even without reading the facility’s care manual, Kaho knew it wouldn’t be polite to acknowledge that, so she simply bowed the two times they’d ever crossed paths. If she didn’t like the spotlight of signing, she couldn’t imagine he enjoyed the spotlight of fading from the spotlight.

Since it was the weekend and patients were reduced, there was more freedom in their schedules. It hadn’t snowed in over a day, so the ground was rather clear that morning, meaning outdoor potential was increased. As Kaho finished breakfast and contemplated her daily activities, she decided it would be a good day for a trip to the on-site onsen.

A heated bath in mineral-rich waters surrounded by ancient land sounded quite pleasant.

Sayane was standing nearby when Kaho made her decision.

She motioned to her and Sayane walked over.

“I think I’ll go to the onsen,” Kaho signed.

“Okay. If you don’t plan to speak to anyone, I can stay behind. But you do have to be supervised,” Sayane explained.

“Understood,” Kaho agreed.

It made sense. The center probably didn’t want to be liable for someone drowning themselves or trying to flee into the mountains. However, the idea of sitting undressed in an onsen while someone else stood over her felt strange. And at this point, Sayane was the only person she remotely knew.

“Do you want to join? We don’t have to speak. But you can be my supervisor. And you can have some onsen time,” Kaho proposed.

Sayane smirked.

“That sounds nice,” she replied.

So a few minutes later, Kaho and Sayane were making their way down the hall towards the main center’s exit. That was when they passed the actor, who was standing by his ikebana arrangement. Looking up, he saw the two heading to the door.

“It’s a lovely view!” he said in understanding.

Sayane signed to Kaho, and he watched.

Then he raised his own hands to Kaho.

“Nice to meet you,” he signed.

“You know sign?” Kaho replied in slight surprise.

“Oh! Just a little. From a role long ago,” he replied in both words and broken gestures.

Kaho didn’t know if that was his invitation to speak about his acting career or simply a straightforward explanation. So she changed the subject.

“I like your arrangement. Will you be in class next week?”

He listened to Sayane and glanced back at his display.

“I think so. I found it very therapeutic. I think I’m too old to find any deeper meaning in things, but I did appreciate that my mind slowed for a moment.”

Sayane translated, and Kaho told herself to smile. Sometimes, the smiles were real. Sometimes it was synthetic to help convey emotion or to remove the intense pout she’d been told was always in her robust lips. As she smiled, she held up a thumbs-up and signed.

“I’ll see you there.”

“Enjoy the view. If you look to the east, you can see a waterfall,” he replied.

With that, Kaho and Sayane exited the building and made their way down the winding path. They reached the split and went left towards the women’s bath. Signs told them that the men’s was to the right. When they turned left, a figure exited the men’s changing room to return to the facility. It was tired wolf. As per usual, when he met Kaho’s and Sayane’s gaze, he simply bowed and smiled his crooked smile. Kaho didn’t even need to react; he was already continuing on before she could formulate a response.

Inside the changing room were several small lockers. Sayane maintained her professional composure and began to undress without hesitation or awkwardness. Only once her back was exposed beside Kaho did Kaho realize she would be revealing the extent of her cutting scars to someone for the first time since her mom’s discovery. Something about that triggered a sense of shame and fear in Kaho’s mind that almost made her want to stop the whole endeavor. It was a lot of scarring. She knew workers like Sayane had seen plenty in their time here, but for Kaho, allowing another person who seemed so put together to see the tapestry of violence she’d turned her body into seemed overwhelming.

There in that changing room, for the first time, Kaho had a feeling of regret towards what she’d done to herself. To her credit, Sayane was not focusing on Kaho and giving her space. As her aide, she’d been debriefed on Kaho’s self-harming, so she had an inclination as to what hid under those layers of clothes. But it wasn’t her place to judge or draw attention, so she merely removed her undergarments, grabbed her small towel, and signed to Kaho that she was going to wash herself.

That allowed Kaho to be alone. That was enough. When Sayane left the room and stepped into the washroom that was nearby, Kaho finally dared to remove her top.

Heavy fabric slid from soft skin. Shivers caused her stomach to seize slightly as she lowered her dress from her waist. A subtle cold chill hung in the air from the doorway’s crease. Trembling hands raised to pull hair into a bun. Then the last layers of privacy were removed, and Kaho felt truly exposed.

Scars had a habit of turning pink when they were on pale skin. Lines of varying thickness and angles covered every inch of her upper arms, upper thighs, and stomach. After so many years of doing it, there were at least one hundred lines of pink littering Kaho’s skin. And they’d never go away. Another chill shook Kaho’s body as she removed her hearing aids.

They were pink. Just like her scars. Pink to help draw attention to them.

Another spasm shook her, and she felt like she was going to be sick.

Pink so that people could see them and know she was deaf. That would help make things easier. But she still wore her hair down to hide them.

Another spasm, and her jaw was trembling.

They’d helped with small amounts of residual hearing, but that was it. Half the time, she didn't even turn them on. Doctors had said cochlear implants might be needed, but she didn’t want that. She never wanted any of this. She didn’t want to be different.

A hand was waving beside her but she didn’t notice. The Surface was rising above her. She was sinking, but this felt different. This wasn’t a catatonic state. This was drowning.

“Oh gods, oh no,” Kaho choked.

“What have I done? What have I done? What is wrong with me?” she thought to herself as the panic attack rose into her eye sockets.

The hand reached out to touch her shoulder, and Kaho let out a scream.

“It’s me! It’s Sayane, Kaho. You’re okay. You need to breathe.”

Sayane was speaking as she was signing, and Kaho could see that her face was concerned.

They were both still undressed. This was humiliating. All of it was. Every day. Every fucking day was humiliating.

The Surface was vanishing. This was deeper than she’d sunk in a very long time. Fragile arms crossed over exposed skin, and all she could do was sink to the ground and start to cry once more.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Kaho,” Sayane signed as she knelt beside her and laid a large towel over her body.

“I don’t like this. I don’t like this…” Kaho cried as she struggled to sign.

“I know. I know. It’s okay. You have to breathe, okay. We can get you dressed and go back inside.”

“Why did I do this to myself? Oh god why did I do this? I’m already broken. Why did I break myself more?” Kaho sobbed.

“You’re not broken. You’re not broken, Kaho. You’re just slightly different than most others. And that’s okay. That’s okay. You’re okay. I’m going to get your clothes out, okay? Then we can get you dressed and go back inside.”

But Sayane’s words were not reaching Kaho. They didn’t need to get to the onsen bath. She was already submerged. After days of trying to hold her mind together, something was coming undone in Kaho, and she felt herself sinking into the abyss.