A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Bar Brawl

“Before D Day, I was a comedian.”

Smiler sat calmly, his grin wide and unchanging as he ate steaming takoyaki and drank cheap beer, as if he were watching a wrestling match and not several men fighting for their lives. The exorcists were trading punches and kicks with the yakuza, dodging slashes and crushing blows from pipes and chains, not one magic weapon in sight. Smiler knew the rules the U.N. imposed on exorcists. Those weapons were only supposed to come out in the event of a demon presence. The superhuman strength and reflexes of an exorcist made them dangerous enough to survive an attack from a human.

Or so the U.N. thought.

Smiler thought the whole concept of rules in a world filled with demons and magic weapons was funny as hell.

“Nobody you’ve heard of,” Smiler continued, moving his arm as one of his men’s faces crashed into the bar. Harry delivered a brutal kick to the back of the man’s head, causing his face to smash even further into the wood. Blood flew and the thug slumped to the floor. Smiler put a napkin on the bar to soak up the mess. “Good, but nothing special. I didn’t have any life experiences which were incredibly…funny.”

Part of Smiler was still back then. It always would be. He could practically feel the blood drip onto him. The heavy weight as he cowered like a rat as smoke filled the sky and screams rang through the canyons of Tokyo. “Hid under a pile of corpses for days,” Smiler said, his words slowing. His grin didn’t falter, but something shifted behind his face. The crushing weight of bodies on top of him, the heat and the smell and the sticky wetness of blood and tears. He had no idea how long he was under those bodies, hiding, pretending he was dead, too scared to move and find food, laying among the dead and waiting to die. Smiler had eventually reached his limit, deciding to move when it was night, knowing if he didn’t he would die there in the mass grave.

“I thought it was safe. But when I started to move…another guy stood. He was…butchered…” Smiler started laughing then, remembering the moment when everything had changed for him. He hadn’t been the only one hiding in the corpse pile. He’d had a friend. A companion in fear and death at the end of the world, thinking the same thought Smiler had. Hide. Cower. Survive. And because the man stood first, Smiler knew to wait longer. He survived while the other man was slaughtered by a demon.

“AND! I! SURVIVED!” Smiler shouted, his laughter breaking into a manic cascade. Harry uppercut a man so hard his jaw dislocated and he launched through the air, smashing into a table. Reo dodged a knife, grabbing the man's arm and plunging the blade into his opposite shoulder. Gaku bashed a man in the head so hard with a bar stool it shattered into dozens of pieces, leaving him with two wooden legs which he threw into the skulls of two more thugs charging him. And through it all, Smiler laughed and clapped, his own personal gladiatorial arena covered in blood and sweat and booze.

One of the yakuza roared and charged Gaku like a white suited rhino, knocking him through the air and onto the bar top. His head slumped back behind the bar as he groaned, his bones and muscles screaming at him. As he lifted his head he found his eyes under the skirt of the bar girl. Gaku being Gaku, he couldn’t help but smile. “Hey,” he said in his most suave voice.

Harry and Reo grabbed Gaku’s arms, pulling him up into a headbutt with the last man standing, sending him to the floor as his forehead gushed blood. Smiler, however, barely seemed to notice the fight had ended.

“I lived. Living’s the punchline. But I don’t know the joke. What’s the setup? Gouki promised to tell me…” Smiler trailed off, noticing the three exorcists staring at him, breathing hard as they wiped blood from their knuckles and faces. He straightened up, standing and brushing splinters of wood and flecks of blood off of his suit. With a sudden burst of movement Smiler did a backflip, landing on the bar. He bent over, giving the exorcists a theatrical bow as if thanking them for the show. His eyes never left the group, and his smile never cracked.

Harry looked upon this man, this showman gremlin, clearly seeing all of his horrifying angles. The rictus grin no longer looked like a smile, but a never ending scream. Smiler, it turned out, was asking the same question Harry had been since Lisa had died with him, yet only he returned. Why am I here? Of everyone on the planet, why him? Reo had a purpose. He wanted to be a hero like from his childhood. Gaku indulged in everything he had restricted himself from during his first life. Even Smiler had an answer of sorts. The reality of his survival was hilarious. His problem was he didn’t know the setup to the punchline. It was like hearing “To get to the other side” yet knowing nothing about the chicken. Harry, though, felt blood drip from his knuckles and couldn’t find a thing amusing about it.

Smiler reached over, grabbing the last takoyaki ball, savoring the feel of the crunchy little octopus nugget in his hand. Then he tossed it in the air and snatched it with his mouth like a snake striking at a bird. He chewed slowly, carefully, turning his next thought over in his mind before speaking it.

“Let me tell you three a funny joke,” Smiler said slowly with the same tone of voice someone used to deliver news about a mass shooting. The bar girl behind him gasped, her lower lip starting to quiver. Smiler gave her a look and a nod, and she ran from the building as if death himself was chasing her.

“No,” Harry said immediately. Smiler dropped his grin for the first time in the evening, his mouth turning upside down into an exaggerated pout. He held his arms out, wrists together, waiting for handcuffs to be put on him. It was obvious to Harry what was going on. You don’t play along, Smiler was saying, then I’m done playing. I’ll take my toys and my information and go to the playpen and you won’t hear another word from me.

Harry gave hesitant looks to Reo and Gaku. Both gave quick nods. The American let out a sigh which shook his bones. “Fine,” Harry said through clenched teeth, wanting to get the night over with.

“Why did the world end?” Smiler asked in a singsong voice. “Gouki is looking for his punchline. Gramps apparently had…ideas. And he thinks they’re in his little book.”

Smiler’s eyes narrowed. Harry felt his blood run cold. This was no longer three men talking to a dangerous man. This was three men cornering a desperate man. A trap was about to be sprung. The bar brawl was only the warmup act. Gouki had given Smiler a mission. Smiler had accepted it. And the moment before the world went to hell, Harry realized something.

Smiler was afraid of the punchline to his joke.

“I accept you,” Smiler said quietly.

All three men facing him stepped backwards. Harry’s hammer appeared in his hand. Reo's katana was drawn and ready. Gaku’s staff stood steady and true. They knew what those three words meant.

Smiler had broken his rule.

Smiler had accepted a demon contract.

The front of the Dragon's Roar blew out. Three bodies were flung through the air, crashing into the tiny restaurant across the street. Laughter rang into the night, competing with the rain and the wind as the thing which once was Smiler stood in the ruins of his favorite bar.

The night, the demon knew, was about to get so much more fun.