Mono No Aware

Towers of glass and halogen rose all around him, casting streaks of light across the vehicle as he glided through the sleepless city. Seeing the familiar glows of neon signage and innumerable crowds caused his peace to recede until a familiar, utilitarian awareness coated his mind. Leather rumbled as he shifted his weight in the driver’s seat.

They worked together without a single sign or note. Each found the materials they had been most interested in, and together, they returned to their table where they began to plan their arrangement. New flowers and leaves spoke hints of Spring’s hastening arrival as they laid beside Winter’s messengers of barren branches and red berries.

Nothing about the massive cityscape elicited a single positive reaction from him. In his mind, he was returning to a prison sentence as much as he was returning to reality. There was money yet to be made. He’d set a goal all those years ago, when he was at his lowest. Only once he’d reached that number would he dare to exhale. Only then could he leave all of this. Grief’s irrational stranglehold had made it so that he couldn’t see any other way.

Kaho could smell the remnants of shampoo on his hair as they stood beside one another and picked up their anchor pieces. His left arm still hung hidden by his side, but it was finally unbandaged. Stray strands of her hair fell from her shoulders as she leaned forward to observe a small branch of plum blossoms. She noticed his eyes were even more pensive than usual as he looked at them as well.

Lights turned from red to green, and the engine hummed the large car further towards its destination. Home was not where he was going. First, he needed to descend. There were darkened offices hidden behind rooms of well-lit tables that were waiting for him. He was approaching from the northeast, so first he had to cross the sprawl of the mega-city as he made his way into the heart of distractions and energy. Familiar shrines and monuments drifted by in silence as he felt his spirit becoming heavier by the minute.

The kenzan stands were placed in their locations within the black basin. He mostly breathed through his nose. She mostly breathed through slightly parted lips. His hair covered his eyes sometimes. Hers fell like curtains to shield her from the outside world. The plum branch was stood upright within the stand.

Itabashi City waved goodbye as Ikebukuro drifted into view. Obelisks of housing units peered over the elevated highway’s walls. His grip was tightening on the steering wheel. A group of car enthusiasts pulled beside him in a group of brightly decorated JDM compacts that roared with potential. Horn honks and approving thumbs-ups from the drivers were sent in his direction and he almost smiled, but the pit in his stomach was too strong. Instead, he simply nodded, and they were off once more.

Cuts were made on two stems of sakura blooms that were to be placed in the center. One was longer than the other, with only a single flower at its top. The other was smaller, with numerous blooms left over, but some were already starting to wilt. They were set on each side of the plum branch, and the kenzan was slid back ever so slightly.

Nakano was beneath him. The Chuo Sobu line appeared from a tunnel and hurled east towards its next stop. He was close now. Only a few kilometers of strain remained before he fully returned to the world that had led him to the facility’s mountainous embrace. When he finally turned his phone on and let it wake, he was greeted with a chorus of pings telling him that he had over four thousand messages and seven hundred missed calls. A silent prayer was spoken to himself that whatever he’d gained in those months would be enough to keep him from falling that far again. Flashes of her burst in his thoughts like fireworks and he felt his throat tense.

Two long green iris leaves were set at the base and folded over the edge of the container, grounding the composition and balancing the visual weight of the blooms. Dead, curved branches were snipped down to their desired shape before being angled and staked to their intended positions. His right hand held one branch up slightly so that her arm could reach underneath his to place another. She smelled like flowers again. Maybe it was the class. Maybe it was perfume. Maybe it was just her. He found himself luxuriating in the softness of the scent for a second longer than intended.

Twenty minutes later, he arrived at his destination. A solemn, subtle garage entrance welcomed him with a security beam. It read his plates, then lifted to allow him passage. Down into the carousel he went. Around him, numerous other luxury vehicles waited in their storage lanes. His throat was dry. Deep down, he hoped there was nothing but fury waiting for him. Maybe his handsome face would be damaged enough that he had to be released. But that was unlikely. There was still a contract that said he had to make them a certain amount more as well.

A few remaining details were adjusted by Kaho’s small fingers. It was easier for her to do than him, and he still seemed embarrassed to use both hands. There was a snag and she needed to move a leaf, but both of her hands were full. He moved closer to help. Not too close in a manner that might appear or feel indecent, but close enough for her to feel his gentle exhales faintly glide along the top of her head. Moments later the arrangement was complete.

Beeps from the elevator told him he was nearing his desired floor. Momentum stopped and the doors opened, revealing the back office corridors of the club’s ownership. It wasn’t quite opening time yet, so the lights were still dimmed. Audio loops were calibrating. Dangerous, exhausted bodies shuffled through low light as they glanced at tablets with financial projections and electronic controls. When they saw him, every one of them did a double take. Some even stopped in shock. Several well-appointed young men rose from their leather seats with surprised, indignant, and amused faces. Then another man stood.

Both of them stepped back to admire the final product. Small white and pink flowers with five petals and prominent yellow stamens rose around a single shaft of sakura, like their two spirits meeting in the space of the facility. Dead branches were both mementos of their quiet winter away from the world, and also their simple hopes that this period of their lives would lead to a new spring. Leaves bending out of the container reminded them that they both would have to leave this place and return to the real world. Nothing was forever. Mono no aware was all-consuming.

By then, everyone else had left the classroom. Sayane saw that their arrangement was done and quietly asked the instructor to give them a moment of privacy.

None of the workers or handsome and beautiful young men dared to speak. He stood his ground as the darkened figure adjusted his shirt, then flattened his hair as though trying to calm himself.

“I have… the mayor of Shinjuku on my ass… I have women’s rights groups protesting outside of my house. I have all these idiot gaijin trying to come in here and find their Japanese husbands. I have financial expectations to keep this club as the preeminent nightlife destination in Kabukicho. But then… my prize bull FUCKING VANISHES overnight without a word, leaving behind a disconnected phone and a locked door.”

She wanted to say so much more. She wanted more time. But for some reason, it felt like their time together had to stay here in this facility. These quiet moments would have to be enough. Newfound awareness of grief’s mass pulled her ribs into her stomach as she tried to banish her frown. Then his left hand took hers in secret. Jolts of happiness and comfort shot from her fingers and into her neck as she looked up at his tired, darkened eyes. A single tear ran down his cheek as he nodded and raised his hands.

“Thank you,” he signed.

Kaho was grateful she wasn’t expected to speak, because the lump in her throat was threatening to choke her as she watched his hands. Shaking fingers lowered to retrieve her phone to type her goodbye.

“Thank you for sitting with me all those mornings. It meant more than you’ll ever know.”

Their fingertips met once again as he received the phone. His lips were full and darkened with blood flow. Hers were as red as a strawberry and nearly as large. Tears burned hot and unrestrained, but not unwanted. He would forget her. He was just being polite. She didn’t know who he really was. She deserved far better than him.

Every fiber of her being longed to be nearer to him. Whatever soul lingered in his hollowed mind yearned to let her consume him. They were closer now. Her fingers found his hands once more and both of her hands intertwined with both of his. Time froze for the briefest of moments as the two of them allowed themselves to feel the stillness of that room and the other’s touch. His fingers slid from hers then rose to her back. Both arms enveloped her as he softly pulled himself to her. Her hands found his back as her cheek met his chest.

“Goodbye, Kaho,” he whispered.

Dangerous hate mixed with brotherly camaraderie as the lean, wide-eyed man stepped into the light and neared him. Seeing the man again caused his hands to sweat. All of this was confirmation: After everything, after the mountains, after Ikebana, even after her, he was still back in this room. This was what he chose for himself, and she should stay far away from that.

“Need I remind you that you were the biggest, most well-known host in all of Tokyo? Women spent life savings for a single night with you. Social media users around the world obsessed over you. And you… you vanished on me. Now, want to tell me where you’ve been, Shuhei?”