An Endless Horizon

After all of Kiia’s stressing, the new Ozean Horizon album was both a critical and commercial success. The music media and internet alike remarked how it perfectly captured the spirit of a human transitioning from the woeful throes of youth to the consistent battles of adulthood. The sales flowed in alongside the words of praise, exceeding my EP, and almost matching the pace of my first solo album.

The spring tour that followed was easier than the last. With the experience gained during the year prior, Kiia’s energy conservation and stamina had improved, leading to less fatigue, and zero princess carries to our hotel room.

During the quiet moments on travel days, we learned a bunch of new recipes as Kiia learned how to sweet talk the kitchen staff of slow restaurants. As she experimented, I found myself laughing at the thought that her next media opportunity would be with a food and cooking channel. Aside from music and romance, this was her passion after she escaped the grind of being a DIY artist 24/7.

I took in as much joy in the small moments as I could during the spring tour. Despite all of the progress I made, the looming return to Spain had me on edge. I knew that my heart was fine, hell, metaphorically, it was the best it ever was. Yet, the thought of returning to the place where it all fell apart terrified me.

***

June 14, 2024 - Madrid, Spain

12:00PM

Even though I hadn’t talked about it since the end of last year when we booked the show, Kiia knew that I wasn’t myself. We woke up after a decompression day from the jetlag, and she went above and beyond to make sure I felt as much relief as possible. The morning in our hotel room was lively, but in our loving and calming way.

“Cy, did you see all of the billboards welcoming you back?” She asked, in a neutral tone with a smile.

“Yeah,” I focused on deep breaths. “The whole city is excited I finally made it here after cancelling on them last time.”

I did a tell all back in March after I was announced as a part of this European tour. I decided that my fans that had the tour pulled out from their feet deserved the truth before I waltzed my way back into their lives. The initial reaction was positive and empathetic. Then, it shifted to a smear campaign against the label for not managing its artists’ health properly.

Borgen grew more frustrated with me by the day, as it led to a couple of young, promising artists to give him an ultimatum between being monitored by me or signing elsewhere. Always a fool with his pride, he fumbled the negotiations.

Ultimately, the label would be fine because of Ozean Horizon, Tony Black, Cy Rondeau, and Beyond the Realms catalog sales, but Borgen was losing sleep at night that his cashflows and future were tied to a small group of artists who had become a packaged deal.

Before I could cast my thoughts further down this rabbit hole, it was time to head to the arena.

5:00PM

Soundcheck was complete with a lot less anxiety than the last time. I asked a few of the local venue staff if Fernando still worked there, but I was told that no one remembered working with anyone named Fernando. I wasn’t surprised. It had been almost five years, and the industry always had high turnover.

Despite my acceptance, I never got the chance to thank him after the incident, and by the time I was in a head space to even ask about him, I didn’t have a point of contact at the venue who could have passed along a message. I just hoped that when I told my story to the media, he was able to hear it, and that my feelings reached him.

As I stepped off stage, Kiia was waiting for me.

“Are you doing better than the last time?” She asked.

I gave a sigh of relief. “Well, I have zero caffeine in me, the jetlag has worn off, and I’m holding hands with the person who relieved most of my stress this morning. I’d say I’m going great.”

“Most of your stress?” She asked, pointed, but kidding.

“Well, there’s always the pressure about if I did enough for you,” I gave a nervous smile.

“I’ll accept that, but in the current situation, it doesn’t matter,” she scolded me. “As long as you feel like yourself, that’s all that matters.”

I didn’t remember this hallway at all. My therapist warned me that my PTSD could be triggered by returning here, but I had so few memories that I didn’t even know what a trigger could be.

We made it to the dressing room this time and settled down for a preshow nap.

June 15, 2024

1:00AM

The sticky remnants of sweat sat on my skin.

I’d been off stage since nine o’clock, but I still hadn’t finished unwinding. OH had played until almost midnight, longer than they intended, but still before curfew.

Despite their late end time, Kiia and I found our way back to the hotel within an hour. Our first major triumph outside of North America, the whirlwind that was the last nineteen months, the weight of it all. finally seemed to settle in.

“Can you believe the night we met, you were playing for four thousand people in a theatre in Boston? That wasn’t even two years ago,” I said, staring out the window at the busy Spanish street.

“Honestly, no,” she said, relaxing in the bed beside me. “I’ve been running myself so ragged, trying to enjoy the entire experience so much, that my memories of my time before this feel hazy a lot of the time.”

“Is that right?”

“Yeah, I think it helped me come to terms with our new album. I was frustrated at first about how far away it was from who we were supposed to be,” she paused. “But after a while, I realized that version of me doesn’t exist any more. She’s just a memory that our fans will hold onto forever…”

“I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it makes sense in my head,” she trailed off.

“No, I get it. My experience has been a lot different, but the divergence between who I was and who I am feels similar,” I exhaled softly. “During the Beyond the Realms days, I wanted us to be perfect, to be the best band of all time. My ambition and my passion for it were unrivaled, and I carried that into my first stint as a solo artist. I just figured that losing all human connection was the cost of greatness, it was the tribute my passion demanded.”

We could still hear the sounds of the city from ten stories up.

“I have six albums that tell that story, but those feelings are numb and forgotten somewhere in the back of my memory. All I focus on now is enjoying the intimate moments with you and my fans. Even when the fans stop coming, as long as I love something that loves me back, that’s enough.”

There was a comfortable silence in the room as I came to terms with what I said.

“I completely understand,” her voice, soothing. “I’m not there yet, but I think I’ll get there on the other side of this. My passion for recognition and greatness in this industry is still as hot as ever, but I know I’ll be satisfied some day soon, since I’ve almost caught up to you.”

I laid down facing her, pulling our faces close together.

“I’d say you’ve already caught up to me in all the ways that matter,” I said barely above a whisper.

“Maybe,” she laughed to herself. “Luckily, we have the rest of our lives to figure that out.”

The sounds of motion and every day life in the city continued long after we fell asleep. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have even noticed. The memories that faded into the distant past were the ones where I was standing still. Where I once had dreams of dying, Kiia and an endless horizon await.