There's no Punchline, Drink Up

“How did the elephant get out of the cage?”

The Masked Monster jumped and scurried around us with unnatural speed. Upon his hat was one of the Hatman’s birthday hats. The Hatman himself lay on the ground in a fit of laughter. Joining Meika who was already holding her ribs, laughing torturously.

“Mmm, He ha, How?”

Thor tried to resist talking, but the spell of the Monster bade him to reply?

“He got help from a Mon-Key! Heeheehee”

“Bwahahahahoohohoh”

The Arch-monster Hyottoko fell on the floor in a fit of laughter. Thor joining him with a thud, a forced smile pained the sides of his mouth.

The rest of us, pushing bits of clouds from the captain into our ears. The vice-captain, actually had headphones with her, maybe for reconnaissance. Possibly to tune out the captain on long trips. She was done chanting her spell, and with her sword drawn yelled the spells name.

“SMOOTH RINK”

A transparent ring of light expanded from the vice-captain to about thirty feet out from her. The boys on the ground laughing, started to slide along dirt, as if it were ice. The vice captain, jumped up and clicked her heels twice, with two small blades emerging underneath her shoes. Then she skated towards the monster at top speed. Captain Kawakami, perched on his clouds was safe, also moving to flank the monster. Meika’s panther and Resize were having a hard time staying standing. I took a knee.

“Oooh How fun!”

The joke monster reached into a small bag at it’s side, and pulled out large skates. Slipping them on he began skating around as well, his hands tucked behind his back leisurely.

“I’m only here to play, and grab some toys. Why are you all so serious?”

The vice-captain closed in on him, slashing once with her sword. Hyottoko leaned backwards his hands coming up to meet the ground, making an arch.

“Look at me, I’m a tunnel!”

Then it quickly kicked over itself. 

"Tah dah!"

It skated forward and then launched itself up towards the captain.

My chant was still needing some time to gather, and I only had a few more petrifies in me. The timing had to be right. The boys beat me to the punch again.

“MINISCULE!”

Resize held out his hands that were connected in an “O” shape, a small beam coming out and bathing the monster in light, as the joke monster began to shrink rapidly in size.

“Man you guys are fun!”

Captain Kawakami tried to move out of his way, but the mini-me monster dove into his cloud. It started to climb and scurry around the captains body. Peeking in and out the Captains clothes, tickling him in the ribs and the armpits.

“Hey you little, hehe, you little rat. Stop. STOP hahah. I’m really ticklish. You can’t do this to me.”

The captain almost wriggled off of his perch. Before Hyottoko emerged out of a pant leg. Essence clumping around him as he began chanting.

“I’m rubber, your glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. REBOUND!”

The Hyottoko grew in size as Resize starting to shrink down to size of a toddler.

“Why isn’t that kid in school right now? Maybe he’s a little short on time?”

The vice captain, closing in on him slashed a few more times. But the joke monster scooted and dodged his way out like belly dancer. Then punted Resize a good distance.

“Not my best work, but hey tough crowd.”

It took out a cardboard box from it’s bag and dived inside. The vice captain quickly slashed it in two. Revealing an empty box.

“She’s got a temper huh, but you’ve got quite a tasty essence on you.”

Muffled by the earplugs, A voice appeared from behind my ear. I turned and there was the top half of the Hyottoko emerging from my hood.

Sniffing around my head, and clothes.

“It’s not your essence, yours is quite fun though. I talk to walls all the time. Who’d you meet this morning, I bet he’s tons of fun.”

I opened my mouth to release petrify, but a big finger pressed against my lips.

“Uh uh uhhhhh”

The full body emerged from my hood, pushing me to the ground under the monsters feet. Motes of magical essence escaped from me as the spell was canceled. The Monster grabbed his new acquired fork and began scooping them into his mouth.

“You know you really have to use the right fork for every dish. An entrée fork for dessert, is just unsavory.”

It leaped up again as the vice-captain slashed at it, cutting the monster across the leg. A frosty residue began to appear at the wound.

“She’s coldblooded! Someone get me a hot waterbottle!”

The vice captain was finished casting

“FRICTIONLESS”

The same glow that was emanating from her, began coating her. Her movements were now much faster, and her sword cut through the air without a sound.

“You know you could really hurt someone waving that thing around like.”

The monster was now curled on the ground, kissing it’s leg. Then rolling away as the vice-captain kept up her relentless attack.

“COLD PILLOW”

Captain Kawakami’s spell released a large blue cloud from behind Hyottoko. The monster crashed into it and began turning blue and sluggish.

“Don’t you know jokes,”

It began yawning, and put it’s hand beneath it’s head as it was about to go to sleep.

“Are funnier when their quick and snappy.”

The vice-captain cut the now slowed monster in half at the waist.

"Now that's snappy."

 The legs falling out of the cloud, began to run in the direction it came from. The Sleepy upper half, was playing patty cake with the vice-captain's sword.

“I can’t be asleep on the job. How am I supposed to roll it and pat it, and mark it with a G. Who’s gonna be in the kitchen with girly and me?”

As he completed the nursing rhyme, he then got sucked up into his mask hole. The vice captain, fell forward her sword sliding off the frictionless ground, making her fumble and trip. Her speed causing her to slide a great distance, crashing into some bushes.

On the other side of the clearing, back towards where it first appeared, the lower half flung nosedived into a trash can, and emerged with the top half connected. The captain had it's clouds flanking it from both sides. 

"You guys have a lot of energy!"

 It put its hands on its knees, huffing and puffing like it was out of breath. Then it began a jig from one leg to the other again.

“Just kidding! This has been fun, I hate to dine and dash but I’m all out of punchlines. And this room has gone cold, I need to find a hot-mic. Tip your waittress!”

It turned to me and yelled loud enough for me to hear it clearly.

“Save me a dance okay! I want more of that tasty essence you brought with you today!”

It then took the birthday hat off of it’s head and threw it on the ground before stomping on it. In a cloud of confetti and streamers, and colorful smoke. The arch-monster with S-class essence, disappeared.

I fell to my knees. Panting and huffing like the monster had faked before. My adrenaline pumping and rushing was real though. The vice captain’s spells were undone, and Resize grew back to his original size. Meika, Hatman, and Thor, slowly got up into a sitting position. Their breath ragged from laughing and cackling hard.

“Alls clear, I’m not detecting it’s essence anymore. But please still be aware, arch-monster can mask it if they're skilled.”

The captain raced back over to us on his cloud.

“I can't believe i didn't sense it before. Anyone injured?”

He was very serious, it wasn’t a good look on him.

“S rank Joke essence, Arch-monster, codename Hyottoko. Last seen in Kanazawa a couple of months ago.”

The vice-captain had read it out of the bounty book of arch monsters. Most had holed themselves up in lairs. Mostly mountains and wilderness, with a few in city sewers or shrines. Some were docile and amicable helping the locals, others ventured out a few times a year to hunt. Then there were anomalies, like the Hyottoko. It appeared on hunts and around hunters almost exclusively. There weren’t any reported deaths from it, a few injuries but they were so embarrassing the hunters didn’t really disclose what. And now I could see why.

“What on earth is it doing in Tokyo?”

Meika asked, angrier than most of us. She had been the first to answer the Hyottoko’s jokes.

“Collecting toys, and having fun I guess”

I shrugged. Keisuke said unlike humans, monsters’ personalities were mostly due to their essence. Whereas human essence were do to their personalities. It said it wanted me to save it a dance, and it could sense motes of Kei’s essence on me. I did spend a lot of time in his house, but I didn’t think Kei was chanting spells anymore. My essence sense wasn’t very good compared to someone like Keisuke. Captain Kawakami was also good at it, he was the first to notice the Arch-monsters arrival.

“It’s just a nuisance, the Kanazawa hunters lost about fifteen relics to the jokester. All S rank. He swoops in at the end every time, like a bad punchline.”

Vice-captain Kirigaya, had made it back to the group.

“This evaluation is now over.”