No one likes bad endings

“We need to talk.”

One of the worst texts you could ever get. I’ve gotten a few of this, some even face to face, so I can confirm its true.

However, Lily texted me just a casual “Hey, I’m back in town. Are you busy?”

Which, for two people who had been dating for seven months, should’ve felt normal.

No cause for alarm right? Right?

It was on a Sunday, my day off.

I opened the door and there she was —same hair, same cute smile. For a second, my body reacted before my brain did. We hugged. Or….attempted to. One of those half-awkward, shoulder-first embraces where neither person Is quite sure how long it’s supposed to last. I could smell her shampoo. Lavender.

I ushered her in quickly, in case Nicole popped out of nowhere.

She stepped inside, glancing around my apartment like she was visiting a place she didn’t recognize anymore.

“Did you redecorate?” she asked.

“Yeah. I, uh…Aunt Jasmine has been adding her personal touch.”

She smiled. It was a real smile. But it didn’t reach all the way.

We went to the couch and Daphne was snoring, one leg touching the floor, the other?...Let’s just say she was a unique sleeper.

“Maybe she would go to the Kitchen,” I said.

After a quiet moment and me washing my coffee mug on the sink for the fifth time, she spoke.

“So,” she said, tucking one leg under herself. “How’ve you been?”

“Good. Busy. Work’s… work.”
Pause.
“You?”

“Same. My mom still thinks I’m not eating enough. she’s convinced I’m going to starve myself.”

“That tracks.”

We both laughed.

Then silence returned.

I watched her trace the edge of the coffee table with her finger. She does that when she’s nervous.

I mean we haven’t seen each other in a while, which was not unusual for us because our jobs keep us very busy. But the weird part was we hadn’t spoken on the phone or even texted either and I don’t know…I think it had something to do with this awkwardness in the air.

“So”

We both said, then chuckled.

“You want to get out of here?” I asked her and she nodded.

We walked to a café, the one opposite Serena’s apartment actually and bought coffee then just kept going. Something..just felt different.

I thought about all the things that used to feel automatic with her—reaching for her hand in public, leaning into her during movies, knowing what she wanted before she asked. Now I couldn’t even tell if I was supposed to put my arm around her.

So I didn’t.

“It’s weird right?” she said softly.

“Huh?”

She stopped and sat down on the edge. “I mean the fact that we haven’t seen each other for a while and ….I didn’t feel anything.”

“Ouch,” I said.

“No, its not like that,” she said quickly. “I missed you obviously but….I don’t know honestly. I mean, help me out here….am I crazy.”

Hmm, well look at that. I thought I was the one causing the weirdness but I wasn’t all along. I wanted to laugh but all my voice could muster was a squeak.

“No you’re not crazy Lily.”

That landed heavier than I expected.

She let out a small breath and held my hand.

We stood up and went to her apartment. Gosh, it felt so different too, though I hadn’t been back here in a while. We ordered food, watched something neither of us was really paying attention to. Our conversation was easy, easier than I thought it would be. The jokes landed, and every now and then, our eyes would meet and there was something there-familiar, fond, real.

But also…incomplete.

At one point, lying on her bed, she rested her head on my chest and my heart was still. Too still. She turned her head and kissed me. a deep kiss.

Familiar and warm

I spend my days telling people what to do with their lives, their feelings. Relationships evolve, I would say. Its about choosing that.

In fact if I gave a similar advice to a client recently, Marie was her name I think.

The small quiet ways, I told her. A spark, romantic gesture, a smile, holding hands. That was all it took for a relationship to evolve. But sleeping beside Lily, looking into her eyes, holding her; It wasn’t about really choosing. Because choosing was hard.

Like that one song says, sometimes love just ain’t enough.

Later when I stood by her door to leave, there was that familiar hesitation, just enough to lean in for another kiss, then another.

“Bye,” she said.

She smiled and closed the door behind her. I stared at the door for a while then whispered a bye back, knowing very well I wouldn’t walk through it again.

I don’t remember the walk back honestly but all I know is I was alone.