Do you remember?

“Do you remember the conditions for being able to see Charlotte?”

It was something that Pax had always wondered about, but never asked Raya. The distant past was something neither of them liked talking about.

“Yes, you need to have died… Though, what exactly constitutes ‘dying’ was never made clear.”

Raya paused for a moment, perhaps coming to a certain realization.

“That’s right, your death was much more… serious(?) than mine. I only died for a few moments, before being brought back. Since you decided to be open about your past, I felt like I should start doing so with mine…”

Without even batting an eye or turning to look at Raya, Pax said evenly, “Don’t feel like you have to say anything if you don’t want to. Not everything between us needs to be shared… and sometimes the past is better left forgotten.”

Of course, Pax was referring to what happened between him and that one girl in his first life. But there were also other things that Pax didn’t want to share, (like the fact that he often hallucinated a woman in a white sundress) but those memories in particular Pax knew he would never share with anyone, not even Raya.

“...Right… I think I want to share this with you though, if you don’t mind of course…”

This time, Pax turned to Raya when he responded, he wanted to show his sincerity after all, “I’d be glad to listen to your stories. I’m happy that you can trust me like this.”

Pax smiled when he spoke, giving Raya the confidence she needed to share her dark past. But first she playfully pushed his shoulder:

“Why are you being so serious and sincere all of a sudden? Give me back my Pax, what have you done with him?”

Pax simply responded with a smile. Then Raya continued:

“...Well, long story short, it was my father who killed me. I’m not sure if this is how it works for all relics, but during the process of binding yourself to a Ryuzu’s Fang, you have to let the relic kill you. My father stabbed me through the heart with that blade… and then I guess I died… It sounds simple when I say it like that but… I don’t know, it just…”

“Did it hurt?” Pax interjected when Raya began trailing off.

“Yes… it hurt… a lot… But much more than the physical pain of my heart being stabbed or being electrocuted by holy lightning….. I couldn’t look at my father, or the rest of my family for that matter, in the same way after that…”

- - - - - - -

Damn, as soon as the pain leaves me, my thoughts return to Raya.

Sorry, no, I said that wrong…

Pax was somewhat disappointed by the fact that as soon as the constant pain from the rapid aging spell vanished, memories of Raya resurfaced in his brain.

This was the only proof that he still loved her that still existed…

The talk about gods with Eris should have been ground breaking, but in reality it didn’t really affect Pax in any way… Except for the fact that some god was likely involved in his migration across worlds and the rebirths he had been experiencing.

Put that way, Pax actually should have cared about the gods more…

“Well, next time I feel like killing myself for good, I’ll try to learn more about these ‘gods’.”

Pax muttered those disconcerting words quietly so that Eris wouldn’t hear him. Though, at the moment, Eris seemed so lost in her own world that Pax probably could have shouted and she wouldn’t have heard him. Suddenly, Eris got up and rushed out of the room muttering something incomprehensible.

Left alone, Pax simply evaluated where he was and contemplated what his next move should be:

Pax wanted to be strong

But Pax was weak

Pax had killed himself when things had gotten hard the first time

Then, Adam had died too weak to save anyone

So the new Pax had to change who he was

That had been Pax’s thought process a few months ago, back when he started using the rapid aging spell.

It worked

Pax didn’t recognize himself anymore

But now he was scared to look in the mirror

He was also scared to turn on the rapid aging spell again

Pain hurt, no matter how long you force yourself to take it

When Pax forced himself to bear that pain, he would find new ways to cope with it

He had known that he would turn into a monster

And yet he found himself scared in this moment

“Scared?”

Because Pax was weak

He had always been weak and always would be weak

“I’m thirsty… lemme get something to drink”

There was a pitcher of water sitting in the corner of the room. Pax got up from the bed and began walking over.

He focused on this pitcher of water and the thirst that he felt as to stop thinking. To distract himself from where his thoughts were going…

But his thoughts could not be so easily stopped

Kael Drogo clearly had given up something when he became strong. That much was clear when Pax had fought against him.

A human could not reach that level of strength, you had to become a monster.

This was the choice that Pax had to make.

He wanted to skip over the chapters where he worked to gain strength. He didn’t want Raya to hate what he had become.

No, perhaps that was sophistry.

Pax wanted strength, but wanted to remain human – assuming you could call what he is right now a human. It wasn’t that he was particularly happy with where he was at the moment, Pax just knew that things could get much worse.

He was scared. Scared of what he might do –after all, he had been something of a monster even in his first life. Pax knew better than anyone what he was capable of. Without Raya, he had no idea if what he was doing was right.

Back then, all he had to do was live for Raya. All he had to think about was how to make her happy and keep her safe. But Raya was gone now. She was killed by Kael Drogo.

Pax hated Kael Drogo for that, but he felt that his hatred wasn’t as strong as it should have been. Pax felt like he should have been consumed by rage and lost all reason… or something. But, in reality, Pax just felt depressed whenever he thought about it.

Killing Kael Drogo wouldn’t bring back Raya. Nothing could. And yet, Pax still had to do it. He couldn’t let Raya’s killer go out and live happily. As Raya’s partner, this was his obligation.

Or perhaps this too was sophistry, Pax didn’t really know himself.

Perhaps this was the only purpose that Pax could cling to. Perhaps he was scared of existing without reason… Perhaps he was still scared of death, despite experiencing it four times.

What was delusion? What was the truth? Pax had purposely muddled things together to the point that he himself couldn’t find out. Burying the truth was how Pax kept himself sane. This was why he had turned off pain nullification and forced himself to bear the pain of rapid aging.

Probably…

He had done something similar during his first life, and it had worked well back then.

Probably…

Now that Pax had finally hobbled over to the stand where the pitcher of water was located, he picked it up and tried to pour some water into a glass sitting next to it. No water came out, so he pitifully looked inside the pitcher to confirm his hypothesis.

Indeed, the pitcher was completely empty.

Sigh…

Pax let out the heaviest and longest sigh that he could muster. Sometimes that was all you could do.

Looking out the window facing towards the north, Pax found his next distraction.

- - - - - - -

On the Northern side of Norwood Castle, defenses were being reinforced by a certain magician. Preparations for a siege battle were underway. Colossal roots sprouted from the ground and slithered along the out walls of the castle. Along the wall of vines, flowers blossomed and pointed outward as if they were cannons protruding from a battleship.

The magician paused her work for a moment to take a glance at a particular region of the castle, her crimson eyes glistening in the midday sun.

“So you’re finally awake…”

When she turned back to her work, it seemed as if the vines and roots were growing faster than before.