Facing the Future

Complicated feelings are just simple feelings that you've warped by being a pansy...

Those words were what echoed through Sota's mind at this moment. Fitting, given they originated from the very same person he had come to visit. 

Sota stood facing the door of a small, two-story home that sat within the wilderness. It was pretty secluded, being about an hour from any major city or town. Being that he had driven here after class, it was much deeper into the evening with the pale moonlight illuminating everything overhead. 

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. As soon as he did, there would be no turning back. He wasn't thrilled to be going this route, but he felt there was no choice left. What better person to turn to than the only other one that had managed to survive?

After a couple of moments passed, the door opened. There stood a shorter, slender woman in her early 30s. In her arms was a young toddler. 

"Evening, bro," she greeted, scanning Sota up and down. "Surprised to see you dropping in unexpectedly. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I..." he started, trying to find the words to start. "I'm having a situation and need to get my head straight."

"Must be fisting you real good if you decided to bring it to me," she laughed, her typical vulgarity coming through. "Come on in and sit while I put your niece to bed. Grab a plate of food if you want to, we just finished up."

"I don't want to intrude..."

"I didn't ask for an opinion, Sota."

With that, she started off towards the first-floor bedroom. Sota entered, closing the door behind him and taking in the atmosphere. It had been several months since he visited, but things were mostly the same. The only difference was that it appeared her young niece had started getting into more toddler-age toys and games. 

He did as instructed, taking a plate of food and sitting at the dining room table. He ate it quietly while his sister went about making sure things were powered down and that the little one could get to sleep. After about twenty minutes, she rejoined him at the table. 

"Alright, spill the beans," she insisted. "I'll keep my trap shut until you're done. I want to understand the whole situation before I tear it apart..."

She then stayed silent, allowing him the room to talk. Sota hesitated briefly - his sister was destructively blunt. Whatever her opinion was, it would be stated regardless of how insulting or devastating it came across. It was why he didn't typically turn to her for general advice...

But this was different. She was a little more than a decade older than him, and was the only sibling to have successfully escaped their past. If someone could see through whatever he had created, it was her. 

And so, with a deep breath, he began. 

He started from the very beginning - explaining the arrival of this young red-haired girl and the events transpiring after. His sister listened intently until he finished - the entire saga taking him about thirty minutes to get through with the detail he felt necessary. 

She remained silent for a moment to ensure he was done speaking. Once he was done, she leaned back in her chair and responded. 

"You're such a cringey fuck..."

"Thanks for the obvious," he sighed, expecting the brutality. "With her age, I could've told you..."

"I wasn't done."

Sota immediately stopped, allowing his sister to continue. 

"You're such a cringey fuck..." she repeated, "BECAUSE you've made this whole thing seem so much worse than it is. First and foremost, she's only two years younger than you. You can make it as weird as you want in your own mind, but that's nothing. Even you recognize how silly that is. Otherwise, this girl's comment wouldn't have made you so confused."

Sota motioned to argue, but he had a hard time following through. As soon as his sister mentioned the comment, his brain immediately replayed the comment he knew she was referring to:

A decision like that could impact me for the rest of my life - I'm okay with it remaining awkward for a year or two until it doesn't matter anymore...

"Secondly, and most important," she continued, "You don't have a clue how you actually feel. You're calling it romantic to try and continue your spiral of hating yourself."

"You're wrong!" Sota exclaimed, pushing back. "It's too intense not to be! It's not normal, and it's not safe."

"WE don't get the luxury of knowing what's normal!" she doubled down, raising her voice. "That's one of the oh-so-fun things about what we've gone through, Sota! We think 'unsafe' to be 'normal' and 'normal' to be 'unsafe'!"

At that concept, Sota's whole argument seemed to lose its wind all at once. He would never argue about the trauma of the past, but that meant that she was right. 

"A girl shows up and has an honest interest in you being a part of her life. Why would that not cause intense emotion for someone who's gone through what you have?"

She then paused and waited. There was nothing left for him to argue if that was the stance she was taking. He didn't like it, but he couldn't argue it. 

"It just seems so simple..." was all he managed to get out. "I'm supposed to be smart enough to figure out something like that, right?"

"You are terrifyingly smart, Sota," she admitted with a sigh. "Which is why it's easy for you to convince yourself you're right about such stupid things. Especially if it has to do with putting yourself down - like you're doing right now..."

This was the third person who had brought up Sota's tendency towards self-loathing, after Sensei and Riku had mentioned similar things. At this point, ignoring all three of them would only be foolish. It was clear he couldn't see how bad or abnormal it actually was. 

"Not that it's your fault, mind you. You're still back at 'home', so of course your instinct is still to be like that."

"If that's true..." Sota followed up. "Then you're going to suggest that I simply disregard my own feelings when making decisions on this? Because I can't trust them..."

"That's about right. Not an easy ask, but you're about the only person I know smart enough to actually pull that off successfully. There is another piece to this whole thing, though."

"And that is?"

His sister sat up fully, making more serious eye contact. 

"Dedicate yourself to seeing where this goes. You will never find the motivation to break free of our childhood if you're only doing it for yourself. For someone else though... that's a different level of motivation entirely."

"It sounds like you're asking me to live for this person I just met a handful of months ago. That sounds very dangerous..."

"I'm not telling you to rush into marriage or something insane like that," she scoffed. "You are right to be hesitant. That would be a dangerous way to go about it under normal circumstances. But our circumstances aren't normal, and so danger is going to be mandatory along your path."

She left it at that, waiting to see if Sota had any final words to give. He did not, and about five minutes passed by in silence before his sister finally stood. 

"Well, I best be getting to bed!" she noted as she stretched a bit. "You'd best be getting back too, given the drive you have ahead of you. I'm going to take your silence as a hint that you've got a plan, now?"

Sota took another deep breath, knowing that a lot of work stood in front of him. If he wanted freedom from his past, however, it did not matter. 

"Yes," he admitted. "For Ren's sake - and my own by extension - I will follow this path until there's nowhere to go."