Kore Shika Dekiru

What Ema Kurose remembered most about her childhood was the little playground in front of their apartment. 

She spent many afternoons there after school, clambering all over the jungle gym and bickering for turns on the slide with the neighborhood kids. From their games of house on the sand, she had a view of the door to her own home, lined up with others in the corridor, and the goings-on of tenants as they went to and fro. 

And in-between the fun and games Ema would sometimes catch glimpses of her mother or her father watching over her together. Her father was much more scary to look at then, and even now she could bring to mind his brutal expressions as clear as a photograph. 

She couldn’t say the same of her mother, of whose face she only had disconnected memories. No matter how she tried, she could never knit it all together into a clear image. The clearest memory was also the last; the single eye that seemed like was all she could see from where she stood, set alight by the sunset, before that woman disappeared from her life forever. 

That’s right. The young Ema had whiled away the days in the playground, all the while everything must have been falling apart at home. 

She tried to get closer, willing mother to hear her cries, but nothing reached that fading figure; the sand sank beneath the foot she put forward, and the rest of her followed, and then she was under pitch-black water. 

And then she was on the bare deck of her father’s boat, the Kofuku-Maru, in the middle of a black sea that was perfectly still. She was leaning over the side to look into the mirrorlike surface, where the only other objects were a line of floats that ringed around. Floats like yellow prayer beads. There was no light, and yet she saw their color perfectly.

She saw her teenage self reflected in the water detail-for-detail, perfect but for a whitish-gold tiara on her head encrusted with strange gems. It spoke, sending out great rippling waves from the mouth, in a voice that she never heard, with lips that never moved. It was a deep rumble beneath the waves, as though she had her ear to solid ground, and something was roaring from deep, deep below.

You shall be exalted above all others, you who gives herself to others.
In the fullness of your selfless desire, offer your self.
And the southern currents shall surely bring up its bounty.

The soundless words as they arrived in her mind carried an inexplicable accent, as though channeled from somewhere utterly unfathomable, bringing on a trembling that pooled in her stomach and made her want to vomit; animal instinct seized her thinking for an instant, and it gave her a premonition of something enormous below the placid surface.

This wasn’t the first time she was here, some corner of her mind told her; though they all varied in where they started, her dreams of late always ended here, she knew now, except this time it was different. 

Something compelled her to reach out despite her every fiber, to the her that was not her, with arms that should not have reached the water. Her fingers made contact, muddying the reflection into a smudge, but somehow she knew it was smiling.

The floats closed on her like the rotting teeth of some great maw, she felt herself pulled in, and the water rushed to overtake her– 

And then she was looking at a weathered ceiling. Her room. She curled her hand against the sheets, to assure herself that she was back in the real world. But the fabric under her fingers felt no realer, now that she was awake. 

After the dream had faded enough, Ema chose to believe that the whole thing was just another nightmare. Not the most satisfying explanation, but it was enough to put it aside for now. 

The last thought she spared for the experience was mild wonderment: her subconscious imagination had never been anything too fanciful, and she had thought herself always too tired nowadays to have dreams.

Even on weekdays it was Ema’s habit to wake up before her father, to see him off and take care of what chores as could be easier done in the morning than after a day of school and work. 

That morning, her father beat her to the clock. That wasn’t too unusual, though he always forgot to make his bed after himself, and she had to tidy up after him. That was what she set about doing now, still running on automatic so soon after getting up, until something that was unusual gave her pause.

The thin walls were easy to hear through; her father’s voice talking to somebody over speakerphone came through only slightly muffled. Just as she was getting ready to fluff the linens stretched out between her hands, she heard a third voice, belonging to a person that was definitely in the living room with her father. 

“First, you let those suits take the old fishing grounds, and now you’re lowering the quotas even more? If you haven’t killed us yet, then this is going to finish us off.”

Listening more intently, Ema recognized the third voice; it belonged to her father’s first mate, an ex-navy man that he’d been working with since they came to this town. The man over the phone replied indignantly.

“Now hold on, I’m in the same boat as you guys. These decisions come from above me, I’m just ticking their boxes–“

“And shit rolls downhill. But better us than you, right?” the mate cut in bitterly. 

“What I’m trying to say is it’s out of my hands. Come on, you saw just how dismal the shellfish harvest was last year, didn’t you? Everybody has to make sacrifices these days, what with prices for everything going up too.” said the tinny voice, sounding hurt. 

“We’re the ones who have to pay for ice and fuel. How about you go screw yours–“ 

Her father cut the mate off with a hand, inserting himself back in into the call.  

“Alright, chairman, I think it’d be better if we discussed this with cooler heads. But this isn’t the end of this conversation, you hear me? I’ll see you with the rest of the board on Sunday.” 

The other side assented, and both of them ended the call with a few stray curses. The mate wasted no time sharing more of his opinion.

“Same boat my ass. Bastard hasn’t even put out to sea in what, three years now? Let that appointment get to his head, and now he’s got no skin in the game he throws us under the bus. I’ve always said that you should have been the one to step up to his position, boss.”

There was a flick of a lighter before he continued.

“Why can’t you go to that person? There ain’t no shame in reaching out to family.”

“You damn well know why I can’t do that. I don’t even remember the last time we talked.” her father said. “Ema and I will get by, I’m sure. I’m more worried about the crew’s…”

Their talk lasted a few minutes more, but Ema would only catch snatches of the rest, as she turned inwards on what she’d just overheard. 

Reaching out to family, the mate had said. She was sure they were talking about mother. Ema’s heart soared at her father’s assertion that they’d get by as they were.

That’s right Dad. 

They’d made it this far with just the two of them, and they’ll pull through this as well.

As her hands finished making the bed, Ema put her mind to task on how to go about doing her part. She went on with much of the morning routine before she arrived at a decision; if there was something she could give as well as grownups, that was the sweat of her work. 

She would have to do her best. She would do her best. Thinking it out loud made her feel even better.

Ema was fired up now, like she had it in her to pull a triple shift. She was putting the finishing touches on her school uniform, when there came a nagging feeling that she had forgotten something. 

Then a shrill alarm competed for her attention. That was the washing machine acting up again, and there she had a couple more errands to finish. In the rush of the morning, she quickly forgot about the thing behind the bed lamp. By the time Ema set off for school, she had a song on her lips.

***

Theo tried to find a pattern to the flickering of the fluorescent lamp above him for a few minutes, rocking his chair back and forth on its back legs until he almost let himself fall over. 

The rot was truly starting to set in now, now that all his last-ditch inquiries had come up with nothing but dry holes, and he was left with no choice but to wait on another’s word. 

For now, there was nothing but classes for him, one of which had just ended. Now Class 2-C was waiting on the next, in the meantime moving their legs and shooting the shit. Beside him, Sakai was busy with some game on his smartphone, and it was Theo who noticed first the hulking classmate who came up to them.

“Shit. Math is killing me, man.” groaned Hara, as he borrowed a chair and set himself down next to them, getting what Theo thought was a justifiably stupefied reaction from Sakai. Theo himself raised an eyebrow. Hara looked annoyed.

“What? You assholes look like you’ve just seen a ghost.”

Theo and Sakai looked at each other with ghosts of a smile, and it was the latter who returned fire.

“I was just thinking that your head isn’t screwed on right anymore, thanks to all the knocks it’s been taking.” the boy in glasses replied. 

“Oh yeah, genius? I’d like to see how you did. C’mon, show em’.” Hara huffed, slapping a paper on his desk. Sakai held up his own for Hara to see, a 47/50. 

“Bastard. You ain’t ever going to get laid if all you do is study and jack it to anime chicks, anyway.” 

“I don’t see you getting it on either, stupid. I guess you’re scared that Yuzuki-san is going to rip you a new one if you do, though.” poked Sakai. 

At that Hara threw an eraser that definitely wasn’t his. It bounced violently off of Sakai's desk.

 “Shuddup!”

The unfortunate rubber landed on a congregation of girls; blaming Sakai for the disturbance, they hurled some abuse his way. Sakai retaliated with a glare before turning his back to them and muttering under his breath.

“How about you, Yankee?” demanded Hara.

If Theo had his Japanese slang right, then yankee was more apt for Hara than him. Nonetheless, he casually presented his result, a 17/50, to which Hara crowed in delight. 

“How about that? Looks like the foreigner ain’t got his head screwed on right either!” 

“Not a math guy, I guess. It’s just a quiz, anyway. Just gotta make it up with the summative, right?” Theo said. 

It wasn't the worst score he had; he was doing far worse with Jap Lit. Theo accidentally dropped the paper as he tried to stow it in his chair. He stooped down to pick it up from the floor; as he rose, Theo’s eyes lighted on the hallway, where a girl and an older woman took up the view.
Ema was talking to the teacher of the last class outside. Hara noticed as well. 

“Looks like your girlfriend ain’t doing too well either.” 

Theo said nothing. Though Kurose was the only girl at school he was spending any significant amount of time with, it was more out of convenience than anything else. But all the hearsay still provided a useful narrative, so he wasn’t about to deny it either. 

Instead, Sakai, was the one to speak next. 

“Word is, she barely passed the last semester. Hey Theo-san, why don’t you–“ whatever he was about to say died in his lips as a certain girl approached them, and Sakai’s eyes hardened. 

Naomi Tanaka was a girl who seemed beyond her years, in manner and looks. Her flowing black hair enveloped a mature beauty that naturally attracted the gazes of growing boys, an effect enhanced by Tanaka being one of the taller girls in their class. Downturned eyes and the pleasant lilt of her voice went with a comportment one expected from her appearance, to complete the image of 2-C’s “big sister”. 

It was a face and voice that reminded Theo of the end of the first school week. He had waved to this girl and her friends in passing, that day when he was on duty. One of the three who had ganged up on Kurose, to smile demurely at the sight of Theo then. In a move that seemed uncanny, she homed in on Theo first, wearing the same smile now.

“I’m so sorry, Theo-kun, but I’m afraid I’ll have to borrow Sakai for the group project. Is that okay?” 

He answered with a noncommittal nod, and she turned to the one she should have asked to start with. Slowly, as if she would have preferred to stay talking to anybody else instead.

“Hello, Sakai-kun. Do you have the research I asked you for?” 

“Yeah. I got it.” he said sullenly, as if he would have preferred to spit at her feet.

“That’s a relief! Let’s finish the report with then, shall we? Come, now, come!”

“Thank you, Theo-san!” she said with Sakai in tow, over to where their group was huddled. 

Aside from them, there was another girl and guy, though the way the latter acted around Tanaka, the former might well have been absent. 

With Sakai bowing out, that left Hara and Theo to contend with each other. Without him, things got a little awkward; their fist-to-fist wasn’t exactly a guarantee that they’d get along all peachy now, but it was a start. After a few false starts, they managed to cobble together a shitting match about martial arts movies before they had to move for chemistry class. 

As the class got up to move rooms, Theo was thinking on how to spend his evening, when a buzz in his pocket demanded his attention and decided for him. They had a lead.

***

Ema was walking with a classmate on the way back from the lab, when she bumped into Naomi Tanaka in the narrow hallway by accident.

“Oh, I’m sorry, Tana-“ she blurted out before correcting herself. “Sorry, Naomi-san.” 

Ema cringed inside; even she would normally remember Tanaka-san’s preference to be called by first name, although Ema couldn't help but call her by her last in her head. She was rolling alone today, Ema noticed now. Tanaka-san quickly recovered from the jolt, coming back to her usual serene expression.

“It’s fine, it’s fine, really.” she said, making an assuring gesture, before adding, “Kurose-chan must have a lot on her plate, what with all those nasty rumors hanging around you lately. Poor thing, have you been doing okay?”
 Before she could answer, Ema had to see her previous conversation partner off as she went on ahead. Once the other girl had left, Ema turned to see Tanaka-san sidled up to her, leaning in closer.
 “But they’re nothing more than rumors, aren’t they?” her new companion lowered her voice to say. 

Relief washed over Ema at first; although Theo-san was always talking to her, she was still dumbfounded at how everybody could get it in their heads that they were dating, and she had been trying to clear that up every chance she got.

“That’s right! That’s what I’ve been saying all this time, Naomi-san.” she huffed, and Tanaka-san placed a hand on her chest in apparent relief of her own before replying.
 “I knew it, but it’s good to hear it from you. After all, I didn’t think that Kurose-chan was the kind of girl who could do that. Those two girls were saying that duty mix-up couldn’t be a coincidence, but I was sure that you were just being a good friend. I’m sorry for their rudeness, okay?”
 At the mention of the two Tanaka-san was often with, Ema’s relief slowly turned into unease. She was thankful Tanaka-san was alone; Tanaka-san by herself was always so much more pleasant. Ema didn’t really hold animosity for the other two girls, but she found their attitudes difficult; one was too cold and the other too hot. 
 And it’s not like they were the only ones who ever poked fun at her. But it was never as bad as that one afternoon; for those girls to rerun the same tired jokes, and for Tanaka-san to join in. Thankfully, the mania around Theo-san seemed to be calming down, and that Tanaka-san was back to her previous amicable self.
 “You see, I happen to think that Theo-san is from a good family, since he has such a cool aura about him. So, it would be a bad look for us if we were to bother him. That’s obvious, right?” Tanaka-san explained.
 “T-that’s right…”Ema repeated, in outward agreement.

But she couldn’t say that she was really thinking the opposite. Having spent some time with him outside of school, she felt that she had been shown something beyond the flashy Theo-san; at those times, she found him rather grounded, actually. 

Then her mind caught up to the rest of what Tanaka-san was saying, and the previous sense of unease began to mount in Ema.

“So, I think it would be best for Ema if she stayed on the down-low like she always has, right?” the taller girl said, as something in her low voice finally clicked with Ema. 

A strange thought invaded her head; that this was just a continuation of that afternoon, and in front of her was the same Tanaka-san, mouthing the same words with the same expression.

“Right?” Tanaka-san asked. 

Ema’s voice failed her then. Tanaka-san was right; it was always that way. 

There was no reason why she would have disagreed, but the words wouldn’t come out. Tanaka-san kept on talking, but slowly the sound of her soothing voice faded, and Ema found herself focusing on the way her lips moved. Even her lips were pretty. Was those waves she heard?

Ema stumbled. She probably would’ve fallen if Tanaka-san wasn’t there to lean against.
 “Are you okay, Kurose-chan?” she asked, so surprised by the event that she dropped the monologue.
 Now, there was also the smell of fish. It should have been familiar to her, if never exactly pleasant. That smell had suddenly become detestable. A sudden light-headedness seized Ema, almost making her faint as she fought to steady herself. 

She couldn’t afford to be sick; she had a shift later, besides helping out on the boats this weekend. She already decided to do as much as she could. She wanted to do it. 

Mercifully, whatever was happening passed quickly. Her eyes found focus again on Tanaka-san’s pretty face, looking at Ema with what looked like genuine concern.

“Yes, I’m okay.” she answered, for Tanaka-san.