Do I Have Any Right to Feel This Way?

“Kuroiwa, the Shishiba-Gumi looked into that Suwa woman. They want you to stay away from her.”

His boss wouldn’t explain why—just said it was an order that came from the top. When Akira stepped out onto his balcony to smoke and clear his head, he spotted the little girl next door climbing on the edge of the connected balcony.

“Hey, kiddo, is Midoriko home?” He figured he’d shoot his shot one last time before giving it a rest on those orders.

The little girl, startled by his sudden appearance, lost her grip and slipped. Akira’s arm shot across and caught her by the arm before she fell.

“Kid, what the hell are ya doing?! That’s dangerous!” he scolded, lowering her back onto the balcony.

Her eyes were wide with shock, but she said nothing. Akira craned his neck over the edge to see what she was looking at below—a small yapping dog on a balcony one floor below. He shook his head and clicked his tongue.

“Where the hell is Midoriko? Why isn’t she watching you?”

“She’s at the aquarium with Papa…” Itoko mumbled. She fidgeted with her shirt as she explained. “He said I couldn’t go with them, but he’d bring me back a fish.”

“So they’re on a date, huh?” Akira sighed as he lit up his cigarette. He noticed the little girl was trembling and slowly backing away. “What’s wrong? If you’re scared because you almost fell, then don’t do that again.”

She wasn’t taking her eyes off him while she slowly walked backwards towards the door to the balcony. As Akira watched her, he realized what exactly she was staring at so intently.

His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing the edges of his irezumi tattoos on his chest. Akira’s tattoos were fairly new, only covering his chest and shoulders. Though they were easy to cover up, he was used to people staring whenever they peeked out.

When the girl passed through the threshold into the apartment, she slammed the door shut and drew the curtain.

“It wasn’t a thing that went missing two years ago. It was a person—the granddaughter of the Inukai Family head.”

The way that little girl seemed to fear him after seeing his tattoos made him suspicious, but he’d have to find a way to confirm that hunch before acting upon anything.

That evening, Akira headed to Dotonbori, intending to drink himself stupid after hearing from the little girl next door that Midoriko was on a date with Nishikawa. The last thing he expected was to spot those two sucking face. He knew she was a bad liar about everything else, but he hadn’t expected her to lie about being Nishikawa’s lover.

When they took off, he’d followed them but lost track of them in an alley. Trash scattered across the ground as Akira kicked over a recycling bin. Why did seeing that piss him off so much? Was it because he wanted her, and she was playing hard to get, or was it the explicit order to keep his hands off her?

If she were a potential weak point for Nishikawa, then he could and should exploit that. Still, the phone call bothered him. There was Nishikawa and the girl, but how did Suwa Midoriko fit into the picture?

***

Midoriko’s summer break began with a bang—not from the fireworks of a summer festival, but from the explosive emotional state she was left in after her date with Enishi Ryouma.

Following their kiss in Dotonbori, they returned to the apartment through one of his magical doorways at his insistence. His impatience was evident in the way he resumed where they’d left off immediately after setting foot in the entryway. It was like he was trying to etch his feelings onto her body as he started to move his aggressive kisses to her neck. Everything was happening way too fast for Midoriko to process, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop it either.

“Papa…Where is my fish?”

They both froze. Children always have the best-worst timing, it would seem.

“F-fish?” Midoriko repeated quizzically. She swiftly pushed Ryouma off herself and moved away. “What’s she talking about, Ryouma?”

“Damn it…I forgot to get a souvenir,” he mumbled, softly banging his head on the door.

“Papa! You said you’d bring me a fish from the aquarium if I kept the surprise a secret from Midoriko-nee!” she whined, stomping her foot.

Midoriko shot Ryouma a look that was a mixture of annoyance and pity, then sighed. She started to corral Itoko to her room as she tried to assuage her disappointment. “I’m sorry, they wouldn’t let us take any fish home today…”

As she lay in bed with Itoko to go to sleep, she heard Ryouma quietly retreat into the other bedroom. Part of Midoriko was thankful that whatever was going to happen between the two of them was put on hold. She still needed time to process his feelings, let alone her own. It was no surprise to Midoriko that she had a nightmare that night.

Sweet words whispered in her ear, a lover’s caress, ending with betrayal and rejection. The words she’d heard once in the past repeated once again in this dream.

“You didn’t think I actually loved you, did you? You were just an annoyingly difficult conquest, is all.”

Only, instead of her ex, it was Enishi Ryouma’s handsome face saying these things to her.

Midoriko woke with a start. It was morning, and the bed was cold where Itoko once lay. She could hear Ryouma preparing breakfast in the kitchen, but decided to stay in bed. He was the last person she wanted to see after waking up from that dream.

She looked at a small ancestral shrine she’d set up in a corner of the room and sighed. Obon had already passed, and once again she hadn’t had the chance to visit her mother’s grave.

***

“Midoriko, say ‘aah’!” cooed Ryouma as he held out some freshly grilled beef.

Wanting to escape the heat of Osaka in August, the four of them retreated to the house in Gunma while Midoriko had a break from both school and work. Much to Midoriko’s surprise, Ryouma didn’t pressure her for an answer to his confession. He carried on like normal, but that was also bothersome in its own right.

“Enough. I can feed myself,” Midoriko grumbled, pulling meat off the grill with tongs.

Ryouma had prepared an impromptu barbecue that evening, setting up a small charcoal grill in the garden outside the kitchen of the big house.

He stuffed the slice of beef into his own mouth. “Sho mean!”

“Papa! I want some!” Itoko pointed to her mouth to indicate she wanted him to feed her.

“Yes, yes…One moment, please.” Ryouma hummed as he put more slices of beef on the grill to cook.

Midoriko smiled as she watched him dote on Itoko like a real father. When he carried on gently and affectionately like this, it was hard to believe he harbored an intense darkness within himself.

“It wasn’t always this way,” Xiǎomíng said unprompted. “This is your influence.”

His words caught her attention. “Hm? What do you mean?”

“We’ve never done something like this before. The three of us mostly kept to ourselves when we were at this house,” he explained with a shrug. “When Master and I went elsewhere together, our time was just spent on my training or his schemes.”

Midoriko’s heart throbbed. She had an inkling that everyone had grown closer over the past month and a half, but she hadn’t expected it to be this much, let alone by her influence.

Xiǎomíng sighed, and a rare smile crept across his face. “This is nice, though. I’d forgotten what it was like to have a family.”

Family…? Were the four of them really starting to become like a family? She took a sip of chuhai while she contemplated that.

“You and Master Ryouma have also gotten pretty close, too, haven’t you?” His warm smile turned into a sly smirk. “Itoko has been saying you’re going to become her mother.”

Midoriko choked as the alcohol came up through her nose. “Wha–?”

“It’s true! I saw Papa and Midoriko-nee ki–” Midoriko clamped her hand over Itoko’s mouth as she suddenly chimed in.

“You saw nothing!” she hissed. Midoriko began tickling Itoko for good measure as a means of getting her to stop oversharing.

“Hey! I think it’s dark enough now for fireworks!” Ryouma called out from across the yard.

Midoriko and the kids gathered around as he passed out sparklers. Then, once they’d burned through all the sparklers, Ryouma produced firework-like sparks from his hands. With his index finger pointed at the sky, bursts of colorful light shot up and bloomed out overhead.

“Fwshh! Boom!” Ryouma imitated the noise of fireworks to accompany the silent display, much to all of their amusement.

When was the last time I laughed like this? Midoriko wondered as she enjoyed the spectacle.

***

“Itoko fell asleep quickly after our bath,” Midoriko said, walking out onto the veranda outside of her room in a comfortable yukata. As she sat down next to Ryouma, she cracked open another can of chuhai.

He snatched it out of her hands just as she started to drink.

“Hey!”

“You already had two of these earlier,” he scolded. Ryouma held the can out of reach as she tried to grab it back. “If you get too drunk, you might regret it later.”

Midoriko watched him chug the strong alcohol. “And it’s fine if you do?!”

“I have a high tolerance.” Wiping his mouth, he smirked. Ryouma pressed the can to her lips. “And I regret very few things.”

“Oh yeah? And what are they?” She tipped the can back only to be met with the tiniest amount left.

Ryouma got quiet. He looked at his cursed hand with a bitter smile.

“Well, I would say I regret stealing that grimoire…” He brought the blackened hand to Midoriko’s cheek and gently caressed her face. “But I suppose it did lead me to you.”

Midoriko’s face was already flushed from drinking, but her heart started to race. Sometimes she felt like she needed alcohol to feel comfortable around him. If only he hadn’t drunk the last chuhai…

“Come on,” she mumbled, slapping his hand away. “You don’t mean that.”

“But it’s true.” He chuckled. The tips of his fingers brushed against Midoriko’s as he placed his hand next to hers. “I lie about a lot of things, but I can’t lie to you. You see right through me, after all.”

“Well, I regret a lot of things…”

Lately, his curse had become a constant reminder of one such regret. She took his cursed hand in her own and began petting it gently.

Midoriko’s warm tears dropped down onto Ryouma’s hand as she held it. He watched her raise it to her face, plant a soft kiss on it, then press it to her cheek.

“Midoriko…?”

“The skin is darkened and cold to the touch,” she said, sniffling. Midoriko looked at Ryouma with her wet eyes. “It’s just like how my mother’s hands were at the end of her life.”

Ryouma pulled her into his embrace when her tears began to spill uncontrollably.

“Everything is too good now,” she sobbed. “I don’t think I should be allowed to be this happy.”

“Why is that?” he asked in a hushed voice, petting her head.

“Because it’s my fault! I’m the reason my mother died!”

Ryouma held her tight while Midoriko cried into his chest, repeating the words ‘my fault’. She was so beautiful before, but even more so now. He fought the smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

She’s just like me…