I'M JUST TRYING MY BEST TO BE MORE THAN NOTHING (1)

Mmmnnnhh...

W-What...? Where am I? J-just a second ago I was trying to power through finishing Mizu-chan's gift, yet now I'm... home?

I'm... back at home. My old home. Why would I be here?

A pit in my stomach forms as the possibility that I've fully turned into an Anxi pops into my head. No, but that can't be right. I was doing fine! I was feeling good about myself, for once!!

If that's the case, then... no, what? That's not right, I'm... normal. I'm not an Anxi anymore. I start to get excited-- only to realize I'm probably dreaming.

pinch pinch

Yep-- I'm dreaming.

Goddammit! This has been happening over and over again the past week-- I keep dreaming that I'm not an Anxi anymore, only to wake up before I get to see any of my friends again. Or, in some cases, my friends end up becoming Anxi themselves. F-fuck this, let me wake up already. I'm in my old house, maybe if I jump from the roof the shock will wake me up or something.

Wait, why am I at my old house, though? Usually I'm at Fue-chan's house when I have these dreams. So what gives?

"Why are you like this, ████?"

That name... I've not gone by that in how many months, now?

"M-mom..." I sigh. "I don't go by that name anymore. You wanted a girl, didn't you? You always said if you had a girl you would've named her Chisaki."

'Mom' snarls at me, staring angrily with hollow eyes. She's not an Anxi, but she still growls like one. "You've ruined everything, choosing to become a witch. Are you happy with yourself?"

"I d-didn't choose to become a witch. Do you think I would've wanted t-to destroy our family if I had the choice?!"

"Would you give it all up, then, if you had the chance?"

That wasn't mom's voice. Looking over to where I heard it... I see her, sitting beside the kotatsu.

"Sonora."

"Kino-chan." She looks at me, as if expecting me to answer.

"I..." My body tenses. You'd think I would know the answer to this. You'd think I'd be able to just say 'no', without hesitation. Like, of course I'd stay as a witch.

But... well, sometimes I have these doubts.

"It's only natural, you've been through so much. You've lost so much, thanks to being a witch."

That's such a pessimistic way of thinking about it, though...

"Is it incorrect?" She gestures to 'mom', then to the hallway where dad's room was. "The humble Kinoshita family, in ruins thanks to nothing but the composition of your soul."

"That's... That's not true, though."

"?"

"Dad's job was working him to the bone-- I wasn't the sole reason he took his life."

She curls her lip, unsure how to respond. So, 'mom' takes over for her. "You still long for a better life. Even through all the harm I've caused, you still chose to go by the name I would've given you, had you been born a girl. It's clear you still wish I'd accepted you for who you are."

"Isn't that natural, though?!" My voice cracks. "Who doesn't want to be accepted by their family? Who doesn't wish their life w-was better?!"

I blink, realizing I'm now sitting beside Sonora. I shudder, feeling a strange sense of comfort. It's the same as when she was possessing me the other day-- a sickly warm feeling, like when you're bedridden with chills and have a warm blanket to keep you company. It's perverse. I don't like it. Yet, it feels...

"Nice?"

"Yeah."

"You don't have to think anymore, if you submit to me. No more worries, no more fears. We'll make the world a better place, together."

I lean onto her shoulder, contemplating her words.

"Of course, you don't have to... if you still want your agency. If you chose to work alongside me, we'd still make boundless progress in making the world a safer place for witches."

I stir, uncomfortable. "The others probably won't listen, though. They all hate you, I-I think."

"And that pains me to no end. They were all... close friends of mine." She sighs, lingering on those words. "But, tell me... how much progress have they made? In making the world better?"

...

.....

I scoff.

"?"

I roll my eyes at her, standing up. "How much progress have you made?"

"What do you...?"

"We've not made much progress, sure-- but that's because we've been busy cleaning up your mess." I growl at her. "The kid at the mall. The owner of that abandoned hotel. Hell, even my mother-- abusive as she is. Are they happy? Did they all deserve to turn?"

She closes her eyes, remaining silent.

I continue. "What about that kid I'd saved on the way home, a few days back? I-if I wasn't there, if he had turned, would he have deserved it? Be honest. And don't give me any of that pragmatism crap, either."

"I wasn't going to." Her body is tense. As though I'm striking a nerve.

"Then how much progress have you made on your own? You're stronger than any of us, so how have you made the world a better place?"

No response.

"Do you actually care about me? Or are you just trying to butter me up so you can have a lackey do your dirty work for you?"

"I do care about you."

"Maybe you do. But you show it as well as my mom did." I clench my fist. "I'm going to stand up for myself. Live for myself. Fight for myself, and my friends. ...I don't need you to live my life for me."

She stares at me, sorrow mounting in her eyes, before she closes them in a reluctant acceptance.

".......so be it."

I slam my fist into her face, causing my perception of reality to crack... splinter... and ultimately shatter, as if I was standing inside one giant glass mural.

Good. I'm... out of my old home.

...

.....Why am I still asleep?