Chapter 33

Mel and Nina

The phone buzzed on the bedside table. I picked it up, staring at the screen. Mel.

‘Are you awake?’

I dropped my hand to the side and stared into the room. I was… I hadn’t thought she would be, and I hadn’t planned on responding to her earlier message. Should I ignore it? After all, I could simply say I’d been asleep. I locked the phone without answering, then placed it back on the nightstand, but somehow, I couldn’t let it go. Hesitantly, I pulled it back, staring at it. After a moment’s hesitation, I wrote,

‘Yeah…’

My phone pinged. Man, was that her? I pulled it out and stared at the message. It was. Dammit, I hadn’t thought she would be awake. I pressed to open it.

‘Yeah…’

I stared at the message. I should reply, but my mind was suddenly blank. I shouldn’t have messaged her. Why did I have to text her when I could simply have let it go? I pocketed the phone only to pull it out again. Stupid shit. I hesitated for a moment and then replied,

‘What you doing?’

I had barely put the phone down when it buzzed again. What I was doing… What should I reply? I couldn’t tell her the truth and how I had spent my night, but I didn’t want to lie.

‘Can’t sleep. You?’

The phone buzzed in my hand. I unlocked it and opened the message. Couldn’t sleep… Yeah… Me neither. Stupid shit, what should I tell her? It wasn’t as if I would say I was out walking because she’d asked me why I stopped painting my landscapes. Dammit.

I pocketed the phone and continued down the street. I could still hear the steady thump of the bass, pumping out from the bar. Stupid shit. There was no freaking use thinking about it. That life was gone, and I had my own now. My absentee father was gone. I took a drag of my cigarette, but it had gone out. Stupid shit. I took the tobacco and rolled myself another one.

I’d left that shithole when I was 13. Never looked back, and I barely knew what had happened to them after that. Who cares? No more drunken arguments and no more random mates passing out on the sofa. That’s when I’d made my promise never to follow family traditions.

I pulled out the phone.

‘Me neither… How are you feeling?’

I deleted it without sending it. No, not down that road. Stupid shit. I took another drag of my cigarette and then threw it on the ground.

So then what? Even if we’d have coffee, we barely knew each other, and after all, I wasn’t even sure she wanted to. Stay in touch, yeah, but more than that? I doubted it. No one had really ever wanted it, and I couldn’t see why she would be any different. Stupid shit.

I put the phone back in my pocket and continued walking. I had taken this too far, I should have let it go when there was still a chance. Gone on with my life like nothing had happened. Stupid shit. Why would she be any different from the others? It wasn’t like anyone had ever cared. So what if she liked my landscapes? That didn’t make it any different. I halted and picked up the phone again. But I had to reply something…

‘Me neither. Did you have a good evening?’

I hovered my finger over the send button and then pressed it.

I didn’t know how to answer her question. I couldn’t tell her there hadn’t been anything good about the evening and that it was the reason I was still awake, staring into a dark room.

‘It was crowded’

I put the phone down without pressing send. I didn’t know what to tell her, and every text I sent drew me closer and closer to the inevitable decision. I shouldn’t have answered in the first place. But it would be weird to stop replying.

I deleted the message and wrote a new one.

‘It was okay’

I stared at the text and then deleted it again.

‘Crowded. And you?’

I pressed send.

I chuckled as I opened her message. ‘Crowded’. No shit.

‘Bastards and idiots, that’s what’

I let out an involuntary giggle as I read her message. It was just like her, but even so… I stared into the dark room. We barely knew each other. We didn’t have a relationship or barely even a friendship. I could still let it go, leaving it be and going back to my life.

I put the phone on the bed. But of course, I had seen it the moment I’d pressed send on that first message. I was already walking the road to the unreachable, even though I no longer knew how to. It may crumble beneath me at any point, and once I stepped onto that fragile path, I knew there was no turning back.

I picked up the phone again. But I could no longer deny it. I wanted it, more than I’d ever wanted anything.

‘So what about ’

I deleted it, staring at the screen. Or was it? Maybe I could still turn back? I didn’t need to follow it. I had my life, I had… The bridge.

My fingers trembled as I wrote,

‘So what about your other exhibitions? Are they always like that?’

I stared at the screen, surprised. Man, I had never heard her comment anything more than a couple of words. I barely knew her, and despite everything I thought about her, I didn’t know much more than that she was a graphic designer.

I stared at the screen. Did I want to? Stupid shit. It was complicated. I didn’t even know if we were dating. Not that I would ask her. I stared down the street. I’d kept my promise to myself, what else could I wish for?

I heard the steady thump from the bar. … A life without the bastards and idiots. I took the phone.

‘Always. Full of shit.‘

I paused. I couldn’t get my fingers to move to continue the message, and I hovered over the delete button before pocketing the phone. Dammit. I stared down the street and then pulled it out again. The message was still there, the cursor blinking on the screen.

‘ So do you want to have a coffee? I can’t sleep, too speedy after the evening’

And so it had come. The message I had feared and hoped for this whole time. There were no cafés open, and the only way to fulfil it would be to meet at home. I stared at the screen. Did I want coffee? I could no longer deny it. I did, and if I could get more, I would take it.

‘Sure’

I stared at her message. I knew where she lived, and I could walk there if there was no taxi. My fingers trembled as I wrote,

‘Coming’