Blank Space

Stay calm, Ayaka. He’ll probably tell me I need to decide and that high performance is expected. That I shouldn’t become a burden to society…

Ayaka turned into the hallway, heading toward her destination. Lost in thought, she walked with hesitant steps, placing one foot in front of the other.

I’ll just nod. It’s a waste of time anyway. Nothing will become of me. Think about the book, Ayaka! Just think about the library and the book I’ll be able to read soon.

Her thoughts wandered to distant planets, gas clouds, and black holes.

“Oh, look who’s there.”

Ayaka snapped out of her thoughts. At the other end of the hallway stood a girl with a forehead so high it was almost blinding. Mari Shimoda, and next to her was a classic gyaru. Naomi stared right through her, as if Ayaka wasn’t even there.

Mari nudged Naomi with her elbow.

“What?” Naomi asked innocently.

“Look! Apparently, she has to see Katou-sensei too.”

A condescending glance hit Ayaka right in the heart.

Oh no! What do they want now? Why can’t I just have one peaceful day?

Ayaka saw Naomi quickly glance at Mari before her loud voice filled the hallway.

“Hey, Ikehara-san! What are you doing here? Did you write nonsense on your future form? Did you put astronaut?”

She picked up her pace, hoping to escape the mockery.

Ayakas destination was right behind them. Ignore it and move on, that was her plan. But as soon as she came closer, both of them blocked her path. She was trapped.

“Maybe she wants to visit aliens… she already looks like one.”

“Pfft, ha ha ha!”

Mari clutched her stomach with laughter, while Naomi proudly placed her hands on her hips.

Shrill, piercing laughter rang in Ayaka’s ears.

“I saw her in the library the other day. Hiding in the corner, nose buried in books about the universe. What a loser,” Mari sneered, linking arms with Naomi.

“Maybe Katou-sensei will bring her back down to Earth. Though honestly, she can disappear into space. I would be glad,” Naomi added with a dismissive tone.

Ayaka stood there, eyes fixed on the floor. She wanted to just endure it. But Naomi’s final words echoed in her head.

Disappear… I wish I could just disappear. That would be best for everyone. If I were just… gone…

Maybe they hoped to get some reaction of her, but soon noticed that they wouldn’t. She stood there like frozen, even though she was boiling inside.

“Come on, let’s go. I feel sick just being around her.”

Naomi walked past with Mari in tow.

“Bye bye, Alien-chan.”

Ayaka could only hear their giggles as their footsteps faded.

Why is everything always a problem? Everything I do… always. Why… can’t I be like everyone else? Whether at school or at home. I’m always the problem. I’m weak… there’s nothing I’m good at… I’m a failure! I’ve always been! That won’t ever change!

Her fingernails dug into her palms. She trembled, biting her lip. Anger built up inside her. Anger at herself.

“Ikehara-san.”

A voice pulled her back into reality.

She flinched, wide-eyed, expecting scolding. He stood in the doorway, the same indifferent gaze as always.

He’ll probably start picking on me too. After all, I’m useless…

“Come in,” he said with a symbolic hand motion.

Ayaka stayed silent. She simply followed him into the empty classroom. She had been here before. It wasn’t often used, and she liked to read here in peace. Dust danced in the sunlight, as if looking for a place to settle.

She sank into the chair.

Alright, let’s get this over with.

“So, do you know why you’re here?”

He stood by the window, just like earlier, arms crossed.

Here we go…

Ayaka nodded timidly.

“Good. Then I have a question for you. Is there something you like?”

Takeshi sat down across from her, legs crossed, hands in his lap.

She needed a moment to process what had just been asked.

What? Does he want to know what I like so he can tell me it’s dumb? I don’t get what he wants. Just like behind the gym or in the restroom. What does he want? Why is he doing this? I-I… just have no clue…

“Eh? Um… I’m sorry, Sensei. I… don’t understand the question…”

Her voice was full of uncertainty and hesitation. It took her a few seconds to answer.

“You understand the question just fine. What confuses you is why I’m asking. That’s what makes you nervous, right? You’re not here so I can lecture you about how important this form is. You’re here because I want to help you find an answer for your future.”

Huh? Why? It’s useless anyway, no matter what I try.

“Why… does it matter? It doesn’t matter what I write down.”

“You’re right. In the end, it doesn’t. Paths change, and circumstances can throw all plans off course.”

“Exactly… I-it’s pointless. I just want to… whatever.”

Takeshi paused. He didn’t respond right away.

Why isn’t he saying anything? Is he giving up on me? Just like everyone else?

“Sit up straight,” he said calmly but firmly.

“Huh?!”

Ayaka hesitated. She was confused, she thought she was sitting normally.

“Your shoulders are slumped, your back’s hunched, and you barely look me in the eyes. You’re shrinking yourself. Why?”

“I… don’t know… I guess I’m just used to sitting like this?”

“Don’t do that. There’s no reason to.”

No reason? I… I don’t get what he means…

Hesitantly, she straightened up. Her shoulders lifted, her spine aligned. It felt strange. Like she would be exposed and vulnerable. A strange feeling, uncomfortable.

“That’s better,” said Takeshi flatly, but with a small hint of warmth.

For a moment, it felt like we were… in the same level.

That thought unsettled her. Her heartbeat fastened a little and her body was tense. But Takeshi nodded, approving it.

“Now tell me, you like stars and the universe, right?”

How does he know that? Did he see me in the library? Is he going to tell me to pick something else? Has he been watching me?

Ayaka nodded hesitantly. Outside, the sun had begun to set and the dust turned orange in the fading light.

“Good. The book you were reading is quite advanced. Why didn’t you write something in that direction?”

“Because… it’s childish of me. People laugh at me for it.”

“Does that matter?”

But then… why does everyone say… I’m a loser. They must be right, right?

“Even if you wrote astronaut… it’s still a goal. Some people can’t even do that anymore.”

Could I really… write something like that? Could I maybe… hope? No, no. That’s nonsense. I can’t do that.

Her fingers tightened around the hem of her skirt. The word “astronaut” felt too big, too far away, just like a daydream at best. It wasn’t something for her. She was a person who made sure to not stand in the way of those who reached for the stars. All she could do is to read books about it, that’s as close as she could get.

Her shoulders dropped and her back began to curve again. And without noticing, she was already shrinking.

“You don’t have to answer now. Just think about it, Ikehara-san.” He looked back to his notes, giving her time to decide.

Another slight nod.

I just don’t get it. I… but… maybe… he’s being serious?

Ayaka stood up, gave a small bow, and walked slowly toward the door. Just as she was about to leave, she turned around. Takeshi was still sitting there, motionless, no visible emotion. And yet…

Something in his eyes looked sad, even if just for a split second. Maybe she imagined it.

I never thanked him. For… well… those times… I think I should.

“U-uhm… Katou-sensei!”

That expressionless gaze… I never know what he’s thinking…

“So… um… thank you! For… helping me with… you know.”

Nervous and awkward, Ayaka looked down, rubbing her hands together.

“It’s fine. No thanks needed. It’s only natural.”

Ayaka blinked a few times, unsure how to respond. She decided to end it quick.

“Goodbye,” she said hastily and rushed out of the classroom.

Natural…? Maybe for you. But not for me.

Just as she turned the corner into the stairwell, it hit her like a lightning bolt.

I forgot the cloth again!!!!