The Art of Being an Asshole

Kai closed his eyes- taking deep breaths. Similar to how a soldier calms himself before a War. After a deep exhale, kai walks out of that dusty room.

He stood at the top of a staircase, centered in a shaft of morning light that felt far too holy for a man like him. He took a deep breath, the air tasting of ancient stone and the faint, flowery musk of the "Vessel" he now occupied.

Click. A digital window shivered into existence.

[WARNING: ENERGY LEVEL 10%]

"Great. I’m already on low power mode," Kai muttered. He needed to know the rules of this game before he ran out of quarters. "System. Can you talk back, or are you just a glorified pop-up ad?"

[USER VOICE RECOGNIZED. REPLYING: MY FUNCTIONS ARE AUDIBLE AND INTERACTIVE.]

"Right. And I’m not calling you 'System.' You need a name." Kai paused, a ghost of a bitter memory flickering through his mind-a girl with a sharp laugh and a way of looking through him as if he were made of glass. "Let’s go with Serene. She was my high school crush. Always had an answer for everything."

[CONFIRMED. NAME UPDATED TO: SERENE.]

"Tell me, Serene. What happens if I hit zero? Do I just... poof?"

[EXPLAINING: IF ENERGY IS RELEASED MANUALLY TO 0%, A 6-HOUR COOLDOWN IS TRIGGERED. DURING THIS TIME, NO ENERGY CAN BE STORED. HOWEVER, IF ENERGY DEPLETES NATURALLY TO 0% FROM A STARTING POINT OF 10% OR HIGHER, NO PENALTY IS INCURRED.]

[WARNING: ONCE 0% IS REACHED, THE USER WILL SUFFER 'LETHARGIC ATROPHY.' PHYSICAL STRENGTH WILL BE REDUCED BY 80%.]

"So I become a human wet noodle," Kai sighed, stepping down the stairs. "Fine. It’s a living."

He reached the ground floor. It looked like the archetypal adventurer’s hub-heavy timber beams, circular oak tables polished to a dull shine, and a long bar stocked with earthen jugs. But the atmosphere was eerie. No bustling maids, no grizzled mercenaries. Just silence and the smell of floor wax.

He pushed through the heavy front doors and stepped into the light of the Kingdom of Okelhaven.

The city was a masterpiece of "Second-World" architecture. High, timber-framed houses with steep gables leaned over cobblestone streets, their windows reflecting the brilliant azure sky. Vines of glowing, bell-shaped flowers-Aether, lilies-crawled up the stone walls, humming with a faint, magical frequency. It was beautiful, peaceful, and entirely too bright for Kai’s cynical soul.

He turned back to look at the "Gate" he’d just exited, and his jaw hit the floor.

The regal stone building had shifted. Above the door, a neon-pink magical sign now flickered: THE WINKING NYMPH - SHORT STAYS WELCOME. A literal love hotel.

Kai’s face scrunched into a mask of pure, disbelief-fueled shock-brows shooting toward his hairline, mouth agape, eyes bulging like a startled pug. He caught his reflection in a window: he was younger, with a shock of messy white hair and a leather harness over a simple tunic. He looked... decent. Heroic, even.

"No, I told you, Father! I was just talking!"

A shrill voice shattered his self-admiration. A young woman in a fine silk gown was backing away from a man whose face was the color of an overripe beet.

"Nobody 'talks' inside the Nymph!" the man roared, his mustache quivering. "You’re marrying into the Archlight family next week! So tell me, who is the coward? Which one of these bastards slept with you?"

The girl’s eyes darted around like a trapped animal. She spotted Kai. For a second, her expression shifted—that same predatory, "you’ll do" look the real Serene used to give Kai whenever she needed someone to blame for a broken vase or a failed test.

She lunged forward, locking her arm through Kai’s and pressing her soft weight against his side. "Fine! You caught us! Here he is!"

The father froze. He looked Kai up and down, from his dusty boots to his confused expression. "This? This white-haired shrimp? You chose this... this peasant over a Knight of the Archlight?"

[MULTIPLE INSULTS DETECTED. ENERGY +10%]

Kai felt a warm hum in his chest. In his old life, he would have stammered an apology. He’d been the "nice guy" once, the one who held the door for a girl only for her to use it to walk toward a guy who didn't know her name. He was done being a doormat.

The girl started to loosen her grip, clearly planning to shove Kai toward her father and bolt.

Kai didn't let go. He clamped his arm down, trapping her hand against his ribs. He leaned in, a devilish glint in his eyes.

"You’re right, sir," Kai said, his voice carrying clearly to the growing crowd. "I did sleep with her. And honestly? I expected more for the price of a room."

The father stopped dead. The girl’s face went from pale to ghostly.

[ANGER DETECTED. SOURCE: UNKNOWN. ENERGY +15%]

"What... what did you say?" the father hissed.

Kai leaned forward, whispering just loud enough for the man to hear. "I mean, she’s got the thickest legs in the kingdom.I mean I can personally vouch for that. It’s a workout just staying in the bed."

[PURE RAGE DETECTED. ENERGY +20%. CURRENT LEVEL: 55%]

"YOU BASTARD!"

The man swung a heavy, telegraphed haymaker. In the past, Kai would have been floored. But with 55% energy, the world seemed to slow down. He saw the sweat flying off the man's brow, the way his shoulder dipped.

Kai stepped aside-a clean, effortless dodge. "Serene, release 5%."

He tapped a light jab into the man’s solar plexus. It wasn't a punch; it was a discharge. A pulse of purple kinetic energy exploded on contact. The father folded like a lawn chair, hitting the cobbles with a wheeze. The girl dropped to her knees beside him, her face a mask of horrified regret as she realized her "decoy" was actually a shark.

Kai didn't stay for the credits. He grabbed a green apple from a nearby stall as the vendor watched in stunned silence, tossed a wink at the girl, and vanished into the crowd.

CHIME.

The sky suddenly turned gold. A massive, holographic scroll unfurled over the city towers.

[WORLD BROADCAST: PRINCE ARTHUR HAS PURIFIED THE WHISPERING WOODS!]

[LEGEND SCORE: +5,000]

The city erupted. People fell to their knees, weeping and cheering.

"What's a Legend Score?" Kai asked a nearby street kid who was jumping for joy.

"It's his glory, mister!" the kid chirped. "The more we believe in him, the stronger his holy sword gets! He's at Rank 1! He’s basically a god!"

Kai watched the golden light fade. The "Adulation Engine." A system that rewarded the perfect, the beautiful, and the loved. Arthur was Superman on steroids, fueled by the collective worship of a billion fans.

And Kai? Kai was the guy stealing apples and punching dads.

He turned a corner and saw a group of older teens whispering near an alleyway. "Did you hear?" one hissed. "Elara’s lot burned another tax carriage. They say she’s looking for people who aren't afraid to get their hands dirty. People who hate the Prince as much as she does."

Elara. A Rebel.

Kai took a bite of the apple. It was tart, crisp, and stolen. If Arthur was the sun, he needed to find the people who preferred the dark. Because if the world was powered by love, he was going to need a hell of a lot of hate to burn it down.

He started walking toward the slums. He didn't just want to survive. He wanted to see what happened when a Joker met a Queen.

Gyles stood on the balcony of the Winking Nymph, he now wore a silver monocle glowing with a faint, rhythmic pulse of green data. He watched Kai walk away-a small, white-haired glitch in a world designed for perfection.

​[ANOMALY DETECTED: KAI-001]

[RECOMMENDED ACTION: TERMINATE & RESTORE BALANCE]

"Do you have any idea how much paperwork a Termination requires? He said to the air.

"I’d have to file a Soul-Loss Affidavit, a Mana-Leak Variance report, and then sit through a three-hour hearing with the Weavers to explain why the summoning circle spat out a Joker instead of a Paladin.A 'Lost in Field' report is only two pages. I can do that on my coffee break."

He tapped the side of his monocle, pulling up a digital scroll that seemed to stretch into the clouds.

​He took out a small, glowing stamp and pressed it into thin air. A red seal manifested in his vision.

​[STATUS: FILED AS 'LOST ASSET']

​He turned back into the darkness of the motel, his mind already moving on to the more important task.

For readers To understand:

Mana-Leak Variance report: Mana is the "fuel" of the universe, and Variance is a term used in accounting to describe the difference between what should have happened and what actually happened.

Soul-Loss Affidavit: When a soul is plucked from Earth (like Kai) and brought to Aethelgard, and that soul dies prematurely or goes missing, the person responsible (Gyles) has to file a Soul-Loss Affidavit.