SAIGO NO WAKARE/THE FINAL GOODBYE.

I do not seem to get home fast enough and I try when I do get home to force all the tension from my body and the terrifying sight of blood on my hands.
Twirling around my fingertips....
Hands on my boyfriends neck like I would murder him.

I smash my head into my pillow hard enough to hurt my nose but it doesn't matter now,I want to sleep this off...


The next day.
Present.

"You are stronger now,you could not think of anything else every single time before.Not once did you actually consider going so far as this...Neither have I really.That day is the one that cursed us."

I can't really nod or shake my head so I sit here in silence.
My brain cannot process all of what I dreamed yesterday and what my Dad has been telling me.

"When you got hit by the truck...when all we could hear were the machines beeping saying you in no words you were gone.....Nothing was no option and doing nothing was no option.You living was our only goal but your Grandmother did not care the cost so long as she had you and that man she loved so.I...i wanted you back but I did not until the last few times really realize what i was doing."

    My heart and body ache but I am standing up now,the couch abandoned to walk to Grandmothers room so that I can find it,her diary that poured through hours and hours as a child thinking what she said was true about it but it was only partially true.
It actually was a history of japan from a young woman s eyes,actually a journal of battle from a warriors year of battle.

I had no idea it was their own story,mine too in a way.

I am remembering now,what I saw when I was stuck for three months,all the things that she and I both did over and over to stop each other while trying to have it all and it never once worked.

Time and again I would return after the third time I went back,by then I learned what I was but would always lose that part of the memory,meet Noroi again,fight with Kiko again...

Noroi and Kiko.....

That girl...I wrecked her and she never the once let me forget that and I shouldn't to be fair and Noroi.
My beloved I never gave him a chance to be free at all no matter what I did I only did truly because I selfishly just wanted my happy ending.
Just like my Grandmother but for a long time she did not care about the cost but I do,I have seen too much now and I am not willing to stop.

Even for my heart.

"Will you forgive me for doing this?I can't let this go on anymore..it is wrong."
"Do I have a choice blossom?I saw what is happening a long time ago and even now I am using my power to keep you away from the hell that is beyond My Fukui,It is the only strength of will I have.You two even over power Kiko in will and she almost destroyed your Grandmother but when she killed you the second life you had...Mom made her not stop suffering after that."
"When I leave...destroy your bracelet...it is what holds us all bound by our shared wills.If it goes there is no more to keep our will with and no one else can try to harness it either."

I watch him remove the bracelet that matches perfectly to my wooden sakura and tiger shrouded in shadow locket,mine has to wait until the last act I must perform.
I see his pained resolve and really note how he looks so old now,so tired as seeing me like this is seeing me for the last time and we both know it.

My arms are wrapped around his,seeking the feeling of being a scared child needing comfort before my end comes.

"See you when I can see you again dad....I love you and I am sorry to leave you alone again...."
Dad could not even respond to me.
Good enough for me though.
He hugs me hard enough to say it all for him now.

LATER

My phone rings,it has been an hour since I left my dad at home.
I ride my bike one last time,I am going all the way back to when this all began this time so I am going to enjoy my brief moments of beauty and safety.
False as it is but by GOD strengthening me.

Soon it will be the true beauty and the true safety.

"Hi blossom..what's up?"
"Hey mom....I just needed to say..hi,and that I won't be able to come by tomorrow.No,not because of the boyfriend mom.Just work is about to really blow up and I won't make it..I'm sorry mom."
"Why do you sound like you are about to go off to war or die blossom?What is the matter?"

I am holding in as best as I can and start peddling again.

"I love you mom."