Red Color

"You can't hate something just because a person you hate loves it!"

"You can't hate something just because someone else is ruining it!"

"You shouldn't fall out of love with something just because someone else told you so."

"Do you like red color, Mark?"

"Yes, it's my favorite color. That is why I have this red jacket. Also, a red jacket is just a statement, the aim to be different and to stand out from the dark crowd."

"You mean from people like...." The eyes and head from Dr. Balis subtly pointed at her black coat.

"No, no. Your coat is beautiful. I didn't mean it like that."

"Like how did you not mean it, Mark?" Dr. Balis was leaning towards me, observing me like a subject or animal.

I could see in her eyes that she can tell that I am trying to come up with something nice to say.

"I have nothing against people wearing dark colors or same colors. I do it too, Dr. But, you know, sometimes I like to break this color pattern, as many people do, I am sure. This jacket is not what defines me or anything. I am different because of who I am. I mean, a jacket with a bright color is cool and all, but sometimes black is very subtle and can be more bright and different than any color."

"Look, Mark..."

"Yes, Dr." I adjusted in my seat. I was seated in chair number two. There were four chairs to choose from when I entered. I felt it was some kind of test when she told me to feel free to sit wherever I like.

Dr. was still leaning forward towards me. "You don't need to explain yourself or defend yourself all of the time. Based on this quick drawing that you just did on paper while we were talking, I can see a lot of buttons on this shirt that you drew. This would indicate that you have a drive for procreation, so to say. Also, you drew the male figure big and strong, which indicates to me confidence that you have in yourself. For the female figure you drew, I maybe see some lack of understanding of females and their perspective."

"You can tell all that from that awful drawing, Dr.?"

"It is not exact science, you see, but Florence Goodenough developed this test to measure cognitive development."

"Wow, that is cool."

"Also, from talking to you, I see that you have a need for people to like you. It is very subtle and hard to catch. I mean, we all want other people to like us, right, Mark?"

"Yes, of course. I mean, it is not that I want other people to like me or anything like that. I don't care necessarily about it, but I want some people to like me."

"Nicely said, Mark. You came to me with this goal and with this piece of paper that says 'happiness' on it. You are very successful by the things you told me. Having an apartment, a car, training regularly, these are amazing accomplishments."

"Did you hear about kintsugi, Mark?"

"No, I can't say that I have."

"It's a Japanese form of ancient art. To give you a quick version of it, it's repairing old vases and cracks with gold glue. It is more than art. It is a way to show us that all things that are broken can be fixed again and become even more beautiful."

"You see, Mark, sometimes you need to destroy something to create something new that is even better than the old. Maybe you had some firm belief that you couldn't let go, but when you let that belief be destroyed, you came to new ideas which were greater than you could imagine. Just try to have that in mind."

"Thank you, Dr. How much do I owe you?"

"Go to the counter. They will give you the bill. I will not write any diagnosis. I don't see any mental illness or depression or anything. You are functioning, and by my assessment, you are good."

"Thanks."

I paid the bill and felt like I should talk about how I was at a therapist just to show everyone that I was there. But not talking about it was the obvious right thing to do. I was there for myself. Don't tell other people you went! Don't go there just to tell other people that you've gone there. If you start telling people about it, it will look like I am going there just so I can tell that I was there.

Was I there just so I can brag about it?

Maybe today I could play table tennis with my girlfriend, I was thinking in the car on my way home from the therapist. I played some metal music, then some rock music and some ballads at the end. I really appreciate Japanese music. I can't believe some people can just throw away a whole world of music just because they don't understand the language.

The music really transcends boundaries. It is something special for sure. And as I was thinking, I had to go absolutely ballistic with the curses. I was very creative with it and threw a bunch of F-bombs, and like every part of the government and their families was mentioned in my elaborate curse—their mothers and so on, their corruption and their absolute idiotism was very nicely raged out. I think even some particles of spit came out. The road was like Swiss cheese. There were more holes than there was road. I pay taxes for this, to drive on a hole? And the tax is so big that the president himself better be manually repairing these holes day and night.

I once had a friend. Maybe we are still friends, but in my heart, honestly, we are not. As much as I want him to call me his friend, I don't think he would. He would like to ride in a car in silence without music. He would listen to the sound of the engine. He would be lost in thoughts, or so I thought, but I also wondered how a guy like him could even think when he doesn't have the capacity for such a thing.

I had many acquaintances like that for which I think that they lack capacity and brainpower to use their heads.

I hope I don't end up like them. But they are probably doing fine.

When I was younger, I didn't like red color. It was also my mother's favorite color, so it could not have been mine, I thought.

Some cartoon character had yellow for his favorite color, so maybe it can also be my favorite color for now. "Yes, that's right. If anyone asks, I can say yellow," is what I thought then. Now I say red, but I am still not sure why.

When I was a teenager, I would sometimes ask girls that I would try to hit on what their favorite color is. I don't remember a single answer. The color you like is meaningless to others.

I wonder if any of them were religious. I hope that they are, because I am not religious, so it wouldn't work anyway.

Hating red color just because I love it would probably be something like hating all religions because some of the people that represent these religions are terrible people.

Being not religious is freeing, though. I was religious, then not that religious again, and now I am, for the longest time, a non-believer. No religion is appealing to me anymore. Was religion ever appealing to me anyway? Hot girls went to church, and I followed them, done what they have done, hoped to see them more. They probably didn't feel the same.

I am home. I opened the door and asked if anyone is home, knowing my girl is there because she was happily waving at me.

"One person is home," she said.

"One person is all I need," I said.

We hugged and then spent time making dinner and watching cool movies.