Holly

I have been chosen.

I didn’t think it was possible for somebody like me to be selected for a task such as this. To be handpicked by a deity to single-handedly complete this goal.

I have been chosen.

Or at least, I think I have? He hasn’t spoken for a while. It all seemed so hopeless. When the alarms went off and the station went into lockdown, it all seemed over, inevitable. No one has heard anything from the other buildings since.

I hope everyone is all right.

Despite this, for all our sins, we are scientists, and we work miracles. I had given up hope. I was just about ready to end my life. I thought we had failed everyone, but then I hear him. A voice from heaven.

Harold.

He tells me of a way out. I just need to get the keycard.

I’ve never been noticeable enough for a promotion. Too demure, too quiet.

My Father used to say that if you follow Jesus, you will never be unhappy a day in your life.

Father is a liar. A drunken, selfish, degenerate liar.

He is a useless man, a drunk. It must be so easy for him to stand at his pulpit and lecture those stupid people who hang on his every word. I know none of them have seen their God. But I’ve seen mine. Their Lord gives starvation and pestilence, war and anger. I know I’ve never amounted to much, but working hard in becoming a scientist is my way out, my way of asserting my personhood. We are on the cusp of a miracle because of “heathen science.” His Bible has no place within these walls.

“Enough toddling around Holly! It isn’t in the least bit difficult. Just take the knife on the table and plunge it into your colleague’s lovely neck. If you please, my dear.”

Images appear inside my vision like radiation flashes. A dark room, a cigarette butt, a belt. The particles that are drifting in the room take on a shade of sickly purple. They grow teeth, they laugh at me. They grow hands, they point. They sprout tongues, they laugh.

Handout Holly, they called me. I remember going into school every day with holes in my socks and my tops, smelling like cat piss and cigarettes. I am damn near unapproachable to begin with, never mind the fact that I couldn’t have somebody say hi to me without pissing myself and running off crying. It’s a shame I can’t remember any of their faces, otherwise, I would like to see how they would react to someone scaring them, making them feel small, hurting them.

I’d be lying if I said things got better after I took this job. Sure, we’re all in the same boat, we’re all nerds. Yet even among the low, I am the lowest. Go on, ask me how many people I’ve spoken to since I started this job? Like a full, proper social conversation. Go on, you can see them laughing and joking, ask me how many times I’ve done something like that.

That’s right.

None. Not one time, ever.

Lord, I’m pathetic. It doesn’t matter if it’s father, Jesus, my job, my Lord. I am a failure to everyone I’ve known. I don’t deserve any of this.

I suppose this could be a confession. I am sorry to have such weak minded thoughts before you, I’m sorry I can’t handle my own problems. Maybe you’re better off choosing someone else? Perhaps I am undeserving after all?

Forgive me.

The faces in the mist begin to mould and shape. I can see each bone snap and each muscle twist. I try to close my eyes as I watch blood vessels pop and wounds open. “You are weak Holly darling, but that is what makes you most deserving. Everyone in this room has something that you covet, and until now you have been too weak to take it. But you’re not weak anymore are you? I have given you the power to do this, and you’re still going to refuse? That would be so disappointing.”

Disappointing?

No, No!. Please Harold, I mean Lord Harold. I don’t want to disappoint you, I am just afraid that, even though you may be speaking to me, as undeserving as I am, laws are still laws, my colleagues are still my colleagues. I cannot hurt them.”

“Is that so?”

The faces continue to change. They grow older, their voices deeper. I watch this time with the fullness of my vision as the masses of the bodies entangle with one another, creating a gooey tangled mess. Bones stabbing into muscle, somebody’s spine strangling someone else’s neck, fingers protruding into eyeballs. Until they become the people I see stood before me now. My colleagues.

And they laugh too.

“Do you see now Holly? They don’t understand you, not like I do. You’ve had such a difficult life, such a painful life that nobody should have to go through. All of your colleagues are Philistines my angel, they simply do not understand your greatness. If you can achieve my desires, Holly, then it is only right that you should become my prophet. We can spread my glory to all four corners of the Earth, and you! You will have all the admiration you desire! I believe in you! I do. All you have to do is kill one of them and run. Run! So we can be together. Do it my child! Now!”

And so I do. Gladly.

I push the scalpel right into their jugular vein. I push and push until my hand is mingling with their blood! Oh, it is so warm! I can feel it! I can feel the life drain from their body. It is going into me. I have taken a life to give to Lord Harold.

I am his messenger.

I am worthy.

Praise be his name!

***

Of all the gifts my Lord Harold has given me, motherhood was one I could never expect. I thought nothing of it when he told me to release the animals in the lab. I did it willingly, of course I did. I did not expect them to take such a shine to me. The small birds making a nest of my hair, the ants burrowing deep into my skin, feeding on my warmth, feasting on my tissue. My, excuse me, our children have finally been able to let me see the deepest parts of myself.

And I am beautiful, and I am his. His majestic Queen!

My fingers twinge in ecstasy as they slowly do away with this corpse of a body, the body that nobody loved. Yet, He is giving me a vessel worthy of love, a body worthy of devotion.

I must go to him.

He won't expect me, I know. But that's what people in love do, isn't it? Spontaneous things? I will surprise him, and he will be so overcome with joy and my admiration for him, he will declare me his most favoured disciple… Maybe even make me his -

No! It is a sin for me to assume the mind of my Lord! How dare I place myself in the same vicinity as Him? Look! I've even angered the children! I can feel the eggs embedded in my scalp vibrate. They are clearly angry with me.

Hush! My babies, it’s all right. Your mother just had a sinful thought which, if my Lord pleases, I can be punished for later. The corridors are unusually empty. A shame. None of them can witness my majesty. Those people who made fun of me in the break room, all of the heads of department who turned down my grant proposals.

Mother, father. All of them. See the mightiest of souls, the being formally called Holly that you rejected

Look upon me now.

I arrive at the corridor of the rodent section. I can't believe I didn't notice it before. How dare they refer to my Lord as a rodent. Utterly preposterous, I tear the sign giving directions to the section off the wall. The children help me. They give me power and adrenaline where before I had none. I finally make my way to a window. It has been a while since I felt His fresh air.

I look out at His creation and take a deep breath, I watch as the purple dust leaves the room and drifts toward the sky. As it leaves, I feel immense pressure in my head.

Oh God! Why does it hurt! I can't breathe! It's all… They're all inside me! I'm being eaten alive! The pulsing! I -”

I slam the window shut and step back into the haze. I breathe in his creation and instantly feel myself again. It was all a trick. I don't think the world is quite ready for my Lord. I don't think they deserve him.

“Oh, Holly darling! I wasn’t expecting you. You’ve brought the children too? How wonderful! It was so very stuffy in that lab, my dear, but it is oh so good to be free! Oh, that reminds me, on the way to visit me, could you vent the facility, please? I think it would be absolutely wonderful if you could share the gift of your ecstasy with others. I know it's difficult, but it doesn't seem fair that I be kept just to you. Don't worry my angel, you'll always be my favourite, but I think it's about time you made some friends, don't you?”

Lord Harold is thinking of me! Oh, finally! Am I going to get the life I wanted? Friends? Success? Validation? I sprint down the corridor in glee as some of my children fall out of me. Worthy sacrifices for the greater good.

I run into the engineering room and slam the button down. Giggling like a schoolgirl I sprint back to the rodent section. As the failsafe falls away, and the bright purple particles spread out into the world, I am finally able to reach Harold's door. Maybe if I can see him, he can explain. He knows all, sees all. He will be able to erase my doubts.

Won’t he?

It's… Rather imposing, why does my head hurt? Why is everything still growing in me? What am I? What is -”

What happened? What's going on? Someone help me! My Lord. I unlock the door to Harold's enclosure. Soulless, sunken eyes stare back at me. He's chewing on Rahul. I can fill the bones crunch and hear the gleeful chittering as I watch him rip his flesh from his bones like we would a pork chop. He does not look at me.

“My Lord?” I try weakly. The Hamster throws the body of Rahul onto the floor as I scream.

My body explodes. I watch as thousands of bugs emerge from my scalp. I beg for mercy as they chew through my arms, I grow faint as they march out from my stomach.

The virus that spoke for the hamster has escaped. Soon, the entire country, the entire world will be enveloped in a blissful death sentence. One that we created. We were foolish to play God, we knew the likelihood of success was slim, we wanted it so bad. The money, the accolades.

Oh God.

I truly am nothing. Less than nothing. All of this, and for what? All I wanted was a life like everyone around me. I just wanted to be happy.

I suppose I've got what I wanted in the end, my revenge. The monster stares at me baring his teeth. I know what's coming. I show him my neck.

May the Lord Jesus have mercy on my soul.