TSUMI O TSUGUNAU TAME NI/TO SIN TO ATONE.

Her grip tightens the longer she speaks to me.
The more she tells me the more I am just trying to listen without a word.

But it hurts like she is slashing me over and over,if I am being honest I would sooner a sword emptying my bowels than to hear the things Sakura has just told me.

"I do not have a choice....should I let a world die and more suffering just to give both of us a happy ending that I nor my grandmother deserve?You do even Kiko...she wasn't supposed to be like she is now.I and my grandmother created this and it has to stop.Help me stop it."

She asks me that.
As though my morning, now is as thick darkness,can be redeemed after such words.

"I wouldn't blame you if you will not Yasashii,you have had more than enough to have gone through but I am honestly afraid I will not have any strength left if I don't borrow yours."

I stop midstride,seconds elapse before she realizes I am no longer moving at all,she pauses frozen like a artwork of the most fine artisan that has captured the moment of a profound decision being fully actualized even if it means dying.
Forever.

I do not give her a moment to leave me again so if I must finally die I am taking every moment I can get.


SAKURA
ONE HOUR AGO

Thinking about my life just the last days is unreal.

For three years I have been studying ,seeing an amazing doctor and living a normal life as I may have if I had not died in the true timeline.

I wake up with nightmares last week to end up traveling from the 1500's to a hundred years ahead into my times future to see the mess my grandmother wrecked,a mistake that I do not think she intended but did nothing to stop.
Neither did I before until now.

"After we last saw each other,I remembered nothing as usual but time went forward which has never happened before for either of us.My dad...he couldn't take the thought of me restarting all over so he brought me out with his own power,he is like me too and my grandmother.He is the one who kept restarting my life over after my grandmother returned to her time over and over because he thought I could find a way to do what he couldn't while still surviving...now I...can't do what I have been anymore.
I have to stop her and stopping her is stopping me too.So after I found a way back by studying my own power I did it,I decided the only way to end this is the beginning which I watched back then when I disappeared for the three months.I went back to when my grandmother was young and in each timeline she created and went back to so did I,I undid every action she created by either saving who she slew or slaying who had to be dead...I killed so many people and saved horrible ones because of this...Yasahii I feel like a devil for what I had to do but I do not see another way!I saw and had to redo my own actions and I was in my own way just as bad."

I try to breath,just recounting the things I did to undo my grandmother's actions.

She slew a whole village because they vilified her,though they cursed her for being born under a blood moon considering her a demon or an evil spirit for something out of her control.My grandmother truly was a gentle child and even when she became a thief after her father was brutally murdered she did not try to harm people.

Even the rapists,she did steal all there money then tied them up and gave them a tea that makes them impotent though.

After she met Nagareboshi though,his death led to the beginning of an awful fall.

"I went back over and over my love to undo all her choices and she is not aware of it yet because she is two days from arriving back there on her last effort to secure her version of life and I have to be there to stop it.I only have to before that settle the matter of Kiko and Tennami....I have to fix us before this can end."

I tell him my side now,I told him all the horror of what I had to do to stop my grandmother's old deeds anywhere from saving that village to sparing the rapists.
Even slaying whole clans because she saved them and changed the correct timeline.

What I did though.

"My grandmother,after a truck hit me, was utterly devastated.No one could console her and my father was just the same so the thought would not leave her to go back to when I was alive and ensure that I was not hit,it worked!Yet somehow I ended up in your era.Living in the body of an ancestor with that ancestor still fully aware but unable to do anything about it.We both suffered awfully because of that day and also that day my grandmother realized how powerful she is,so she went further back to the death of her love,kept remaking events to ensure the best possible outcome but learned happy outcomes do not give us as much power as the will to live and the will to not let go.
So she harnesses it until she,and she is close,strong enough to be able to hold her universe together.
What I did in trying to save her,the timeline and...keep us...made her even more powerful and the future even worse.
Yasahii,I did awful things like I said in her timelines.In mine I tried not to kill but I ended up killing you over and over,our children the few times we had my actions killed and likewise even for Kiko and for Tennami,snake he is,I helped create.Help me stop what she and I did.I can't live like this nor can I continue to let you live and die repeatedly for....my selfishness..."

My words,all the details that I tell with the few that I omit for his sake pour out of me once more.

Sins I wish I had not had I have.
This beautiful river view is one we have adored in every life even more so the few we had together.

We lived here,raised our daughter and would have our twins if what had happened in my second life had not happened between Kiko and I.
She in her vicious pain after living with all my feelings as I lived and loved in her body,I had no control over any of that,I thought I was me that whole time but she felt I was there and felt all the feelings of falling in love with someone that in the true time only was a ghost that saved her life and the stories my grandmother said of him were only that.

Stories to get me obsessed with finding him again,to give me what I always wanted.

A loving warrior.

That girl didn't understand either what was going on,she lived with false memories over and over in the body of a child from that point as a punishment from my grandmother for killing me so brutally and my baby.

So much horror.

I feel how Noroi is paused,my heart is racing but I try to look him in the eye as best I can with my spirit being so hurt-

"We are together right?Until the final moment?'

His hands are on my cheeks,fingers moving slowly wiping errant tears.

"Of course,so long as you live I am here."
"I am taking the last moments then and I will do as you ask but not for anything like saving the world or being a hero.Just because of you."

He knows it,what is coming and I hate what is coming but there is no choice.
Never was and I never realized it but before he lets me grieve too much he kisses me.

Once.
Twice.
Too many times that I want more of.

We have to go soon.
I know it.

I have until sundown so I will hold to this small respite,the feeling of affection that I can never hold to.

I believe GOD will help me and remember us and this and all the hard choices but it is so hard,GOD help me please this hurts so much.....