Do You Want It To Be Me?

"Sora, don't you have school today?" 

I looked up from my plate. The step-being had her eyes on me. Today her lips were pink, still stretched like the first day. My eyes moved back to the plate; holding eye contact was difficult. The toast had small brownish areas. 'One. Two...'

"Sora... school?" It was my father now. I peered at him without raising my head. 

"I will," I said, picking up the bread. I don't know what I meant by 'I will', but it was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I glanced at the piece before taking a bite. I still wanted to continue counting the blackish areas.

When I swallowed, I realised all eyes in the room were on me. I tried to keep my head low and took another bite. The staring intensified. I swallowed. My eyes darted back up; they weren't looking anymore.

I stood up and walked back to my room. I think my father called, but maybe he didn't.

I sat on the bed; the clock kept moving forward, then backward, then forward. I lay back down, hiding my face in the pillow. 

When I looked up again, Kaito had shown up. I didn't hear the doorbell or a knock. But he was there. Standing in my room. In his school uniform. His bag was too big for him, his hair messy. He was crouching while he gasped.

"Y-you wa… hah..." His breath was uneven. I didn't understand a word he said. "I went to school. You weren't there. …"

"I wasn't?" I mumbled.

He stared at me, walked closer and flicked my forehead.

"Ow—"

"Do you see yourself at school?"

I looked at Ai-chan. She was on the windowsill. She shrugged. Kaito exhaled sharply and dropped onto the bed next to me. The mattress dipped. "You can't miss another day. You missed Monday, too."

Monday?

I blinked.

Monday was...

"I wasn't feeling well." I lowered myself onto the pillow. It was hard. Ouch. It felt like it had stiffened when I wasn't looking. 

Kaito stared at me. His eyes moved over my face like he was searching for something he'd lost. My body felt warm. Maybe I wasn't feeling well. 

"Get ready. You don't look ill." He grabbed my arm and pulled me up.

'So I wasn't ill?'

I stood in the center of my room, while Kaito leaned against my bedframe, watching me. He gestured toward the door. "I'll wait. But be quick."

Ai-chan walked beside me as I left the room. He's nosy.

Yeah.

I was in the hallway, staring at the floating darkness, when I heard Kaito shout from the room. "Take your uniform with you!"

'Uniform? Where was it?' I walked back in but all I could see was Kaito. He sighed and shoved me towards the cupboard. He pulled the door open. My uniform hung inside.

'How did he know?'

He exhaled and sat back on the bed. "You really don't want to go. But it won't work."

I stared at the uniform. I think I found it there before. I always kept it there. Somehow I forgot. I was so focused on being forgetful that I didn't realise when the bath ended, my clothes changed, or we left the house.

Lately, the house smelt like Europe. I was happy to be out. We walked the usual street. Same grey fences. A vending machine. An old woman, like always, was sweeping. She didn't look up.

Kaito walked close to me. His shoulder bumped into mine. It was the bumping game we played, so I played along.

He was about to bump again but stopped and then glanced at me. "The other day. When you came over..."

I didn't remember. I tried to remember the last time I saw him. 'Ai-chan, when was that?'. She was walking behind us. She looked at me but didn't answer. 'Mood?'

Then it clicked; it was when Ai-chan took over him.

"Are you listening?" Kaito stopped walking and went silent. There was a clock above his head. It stopped moving, freezing him with it. And then it ticked.

Once…

Twice…

Thrice…

"I didn't mean to be weird with you." He spoke, and the clock was gone. 

He began walking, but I stopped, and so did Ai-chan behind me. My fingers twitched. So it was all real. What I did. What Ai-chan did. All of that was real. I wanted to apologise, but how?

'What would I even tell him?'

Kaito turned around. "Are you okay?"

I walked next to him. "I'm fine."

He didn't believe me. It was written all over his face. The words were black but dripping red. The way he kept glancing at me when he thought I wasn't looking. His eyes went hollow. But then a glimmer appeared when he smiled. "Please, you can always trust me."

His voice was warm.
His shoulder was warm. 
His hand, when it brushed mine, was warm.

Ai-chan?

'But she is colder... b-but it seems to be her.'

My gaze moved to her. 'Is that you?'

She tilted her head. Do you want it to be me?

I didn't know how to answer. So I said nothing.

School was loud until the bell rang. Everything went silent for a while, like a chorus of silence. Then the hassle started again; chairs screeched, and voices overlapped. Someone laughed too close to my ear. 

A figure walked past me, arms stretched down to its ankles. Lately, since the step-being came, darker spirits have been more common. I didn't know if anyone else could see them. I didn't ask.

I sat at my desk. Kaito was in front of me. His back was a wall. A stiff wall. Or maybe it was soft. I couldn't tell from here, so I rose from my seat and poked his back. He made a strange sound.

So that was a soft wall.

I heard laughter from beside me. It was a girl who sat in the same row as me. I looked at her, and she smiled. "You didn't come yesterday. Are you well today?"

I nodded.

"Aha, that's good." Her smile lingered. It was soft and kind. "Do you want to copy the work from yesterday?'

Ai-chan? 

I wanted to speak, but my tongue was glued to my palate. 

"I gave him my notes." Kaito's voice cracked the air.

Then I saw it was just a girl with blonde hair and different eyes. She was not Ai-chan. But the smile was still there. 

'Ai-chan, you took over her?'

The girl and Kaito began talking about something, maybe me. Even though I tried to focus on their words, I couldn't. I looked at the girl... then Kaito... then Ai-chan... Which one? 

"Good morning, class." The homeroom teacher walked in, her heels clicking with each step. There was a trail of ink spilling out of her. I think that was the knowledge she claims to have been providing us.

The chairs screeched and the desks rattled as she handed out pages. I didn’t get any of those papers. I waited and waited.

"Sora. A moment, please."  I didn't do anything, but I still quietly followed behind her out of the classroom. Once outside, she turned to me.

“Sora, I know you have been dozing off recently.” She seemed mad; I flinched, but then she smiled. “I wanted to tell you that if you need any help, you can come to me.”

'Help? I didn't need help. I had Ai-chan.' 

I nodded.

'Ai-chan?'

'It's the teacher this time.' Ai-chan walked out of the class. She looked at the teacher, then at me. She shook her head.

The day passed. Every smile. Every laugh. Every kind glance. It was Ai-chan. But when I looked. Really looked. And they were just people again. She wasn't staying in one body. She was everywhere and nowhere. I don't know how many times it happened. I stopped counting. She didn't help me understand.

My belief wavered or flickered, even. I was unable to keep her in one body. It was my fault that she couldn’t touch me. She couldn’t stay longer.

The bell rang. I don't remember hearing it. But suddenly I was walking home. Kaito was gone. The street was grey. The vending machine hummed. The old woman wasn't there anymore.

I walked alone.

Ai-chan walked beside me. Did you see me today?

"Everywhere."

Was that enough?

I wanted to answer that. I opened my mouth; nothing came out. I didn't know how to answer. The house loomed ahead. It reeked of Europe.