Prologue

When my aunt announced that, for the sake of my future career, I would be moving abroad to continue my studies, I just accepted her decision, as I always did. She knew better than I did what was best for me, and over the years I had learned to trust her judgement. I was lucky that, despite her own career and busy schedule, she always found time to guide me through my life, as my parents would have done if they were still alive.

The thought of starting the third year of high school in a foreign country neither brought me excitement about the new place I would live in nor filled me with sadness about leaving my country. It was for the best, and I understood how much effort my aunt must have put into securing the scholarship for me. I knew I couldn’t let her down.

When my current school year came to an end, and we gathered for the closing ceremony before the spring break began, I saw my classmates for the last time. Yet I didn’t feel any sadness at leaving them behind. I had told only a few of them about my departure, since I needed to hand over my duties as a student council vice president and ensure that our fencing club would stay strong even after I was gone, but it seemed the news had spread. Many of those who never spoke to me unless it was necessary had tears in their eyes as they realised it was the last time they would see me.

Even so, real life wasn’t like the anime they pretended to live in, and life at school was nothing more than a happy fantasy until your real life began. No matter how much some of my classmates tried to pretend otherwise, deep down, they must have known the truth. All frivolous with no direction, I wondered if they were really willing to sacrifice their future for the sake of living in a temporary dream.

As a student council vice president, I’d tried to help them understand that as much as I could, yet I couldn't deny that part of me still felt jealous of their freedom as I watched them spend their time in clubs that wouldn't help them build their future careers.

I was standing on the steps leading to the school entrance, holding an umbrella against the light rain, and waiting for the car to take me on the long drive to my aunt's. Was I lonely? I was, but at least I was honest about my feelings and didn’t try to hide them behind distractions, pretending I felt otherwise, like everyone around me seemed to do.

When the car finally pulled up in front of me, I got inside without giving a second look at what I was leaving behind or at the people who had been part of my life for the last two years. They would probably soon forget about me, as all those classmates from elementary and junior high had. Back then, it hurt when my friends stopped responding to my messages, and the connection we once had slowly withered, but as I grew older, I had come to accept it as part of life and tried not to attach myself too much to those around me.

I sat in the back seat, preferring personal space and privacy to the view from the front window and the company of a driver whose name I didn’t know. It was a long way to Tokyo, and taking the train would be faster, but ever since I could remember, my aunt had always sent a car when she invited me to stay at her place. I guess it was for the best.

The crash that killed my parents happened a long time ago, and I was too young to remember it, so I shouldn’t be afraid of riding in a car. Yet every time the black sedan pulled up in front of me, and I embarked on a journey to visit my aunt, a strange uneasiness crept into my body, as if something that my mind had forgotten would happen again. It was a cold, suffocating feeling, always starting in my stomach and spreading through my chest until it reached my head, pulsating behind my eyes.

This time wasn’t any different, and even though I had prepared myself for the journey, my hands started to shake slightly the moment I closed the door and felt the motion of the car. I’d never told my aunt about it, not wanting to cause her more trouble than she already had with me, and I’d learned to suffer these journeys in silence, even though they terrified me.

I was exhausted when we finally arrived, and I was free to leave the car and take a few deep breaths of the fresh evening air before making my way to my aunt’s apartment with the silent driver, whose name I still didn’t know, following behind me.

I entered the cold, dark apartment, dragging my suitcase through the door, and desperately patted the wall, trying to find the switch to turn on the lights. My aunt must still be at work, even though it was late, but I was relieved by the realisation since I was too tired and not ready to meet her.

A pang of guilt shot through my chest at those thoughts as I finally managed to turn the lights on and close the door behind me. The driver had disappeared without a word the moment he put my luggage next to the door.

I took off my shoes and found a brand-new pair of slippers on the shelf next to the door, even though I was sure the ones I’d used the last time had been barely worn by the time I left. It was always like that: brand-new towels, bedsheets, and soaps awaiting me when I came, and it didn’t matter if I had barely used the ones she’d given me at my last visit. I only hoped that the maids took those items home rather than threw them away when I left, but I never asked them about it.

Aunt was rich enough to give me the best education, so maybe things like these didn’t matter to her, but thinking about such waste made me sad, and if it were up to me, I would cherish every single item and take care of it as best I could.

Unfortunately, I had learnt that was not the case, and all my possessions were constantly replaced by my maid or one of my guardians, always with the best intentions to give me the best that money could buy. The world around me changed so rapidly that I rarely managed to hold on to anything for more than a few months, and I never had the heart to resist the change, not wanting to hurt the feelings of the people who just did their jobs.

I walked over to the guest room where I always used to stay and looked at the new set of clothes hanging neatly in the wardrobe. I took a nightgown that still smelt of the shop it had come from and let the soft fabric pass between my fingers. It was dark outside, and I could see the cold city lights below me. I headed to the bathroom and slowly started to undress.

I took off my jacket and skirt and carefully folded them before placing them in the basket, knowing very well it would be the last time I saw them. My new school had a different uniform, so I didn’t need them anymore, but I still hesitated before letting them go. They held the few good memories I’d had in my old school, but I knew they, too, would soon fade.

I took the same care for the rest of my clothes, neatly folding them and placing them in the basket, and then looked into the large mirror hanging on the bathroom wall and froze. Did I really look like that? Small but fit, with long black hair reaching past my shoulders and skin that looked soft yet was cold to the touch.

Sometimes it felt wrong just looking at myself. I blinked and took a deep breath, trying to push away the strange thoughts that always lingered in my mind when the world around me grew too quiet, and then stepped into the shower to let the hot water wash away my tiredness.

I took the shampoo from the shelf and poured it on my hand, and the smell of peaches and something else I couldn’t name filled the air. I sighed and started to massage it into my hair. I liked the one that smelt of jasmine, but I guess I would get used to this one too.

I wished I could have stayed longer, but I began to worry that my aunt might come back and want to speak with me, so I quickly turned off the water and dried myself, only to realise that the flat still felt so silent I could hear my own breath.

I slipped on the gown, feeling its silky fabric resting against my body, and walked to the guest room. Part of me was hungry, but I knew I wouldn't be able to eat. Despite the hot shower, I felt a hard knot in my stomach, and the thought of food made me nauseous, so I just lay on the bed and closed my eyes, hoping the tiredness would force me into a sleep so deep that no nightmares could break my dreams.