Chapter 3

Farah didn’t say anything else, and I left as soon as I’d gathered my things, carrying with me the questions I hadn’t dared to voice.

The hallway was freezing as I rushed to my room, and my soft slippers and flimsy nightgown did nothing to protect me. I really hoped that the heat would be turned on throughout the building when the semester began. My aunt had told me that winters here were cold, and I couldn’t imagine stepping outside my room if it got any colder.

Xiaolian seemed not to have moved from her place, but she looked up when I rushed in.

“Farah came and left you the book you asked for…”

I closed the door behind me and, confused, followed her gaze. It was lying on my desk. Heian poetry? Why would she have left me that? I hadn’t asked for it.

“Do you like that?, she asked, suddenly excited.

I nodded, even though I only remembered them from school and hadn’t read them since. Their soft melancholy always left me unsettled and filled me with a longing for something I couldn’t name.

“My body

wasted by winter

if only I

like fields burned over

had hope for spring.”

She finished reading from her tablet and looked at me.

“Which one do you like?”

I couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth, so I picked up the book and flipped through the pages, pretending I was looking for something. I shouldn’t have faked liking them to start with, but it was too late now.

I picked one at random and read the title.

“Meeting on the path”

She gave me a thoughtful look before asking,

“Could you read it to me?”

I glanced at her, surprised, but nodded. Why not…

“Meeting on the path:

But I cannot clearly know

if it was he,

because the midnight moon

in a cloud had disappeared.“

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall. Did she really like it? It only made me feel empty. Suddenly, both of our watches pinged loudly.

“Dinner time. Are you coming?”

“No...”

I shook my head and sat down on my bed. I was too tired to be hungry, and I still felt the heavy knot in my stomach.

“I will get you something.”

I watched her leave, still wearing that embarrassing pink onesie and walking barefoot. I lay back and stretched my back. I was alone for the first time since I’d arrived, but despite the silence, it was a pleasant change.

I reached for the book when a sudden chill swept past my legs. I bolted up and stared at the door as the growing uneasiness squeezed my stomach. It was closed. My eyes fell on the window and the dark sky beyond it. The curtains weren’t even moving, yet my legs were already covered in goosebumps.

I got up and pulled the curtains anyway, trying to isolate my small room from the outside world. It was so habitual that I only became aware of it when my roommate at my last school pointed it out and tried to make fun of me for it. Was it really that strange to want to feel safe…?

It’s nothing, I tried to tell myself, taking the blanket from the chair and wrapping it around my shoulders. I guess I was just tired, it had been a long day. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was watching me, and the image of Farah and her deep, strange eyes flashed in my mind like a warning, and my body tensed as it fought to take another breath, but it felt like the room was filled with water, not air.

I gasped for air, trying to push away those suffocating thoughts.

“It will be okay, it will be okay…”, I whispered to myself, trying to find comfort in the sound of my voice. “It will be okay.”

I knew it was true, but knowing it and believing it were two different things. I stumbled towards my bed when something cold and silky brushed against my legs. I looked down, forcing myself not to scream. There was nothing there. I tried to push the growing uneasiness aside, but I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I wasn’t alone and something was watching me.

I made it to the bed and sat down, pulling my knees under my chin. I didn’t dare to leave my feet dangling from the bed where I couldn’t see them and instead forced myself to look around at the room as the silence rang in my ears. It was empty. Had I made it all up? I tried to catch my breath, and this time, my body obeyed, and the suffocating feeling of drowning was gone, but I didn’t dare to move, afraid that any sound would bring it back.

I still sat huddled like that, frozen in place for what felt like an eternity, when there was a soft click, and the door opened. I shut my eyes and braced myself for impact.

“I got you some food.”

It was a pause.

“Yuna… Are you okay? Yuna?”

I shivered as something cold touched my arm, but the shock forced me to open my eyes. Xiaolian was leaning over my bed, her hand still resting on me, but her face looked empty, her eyes devoid of emotion, as always.

“Are you okay?”

“S-sorry... I am fine.”

I tried to smile, and she withdrew her hand and pointed to my desk.

“I got you something to eat.”

She turned and walked to her bed as if nothing had happened. Startled, I looked at the pack of biscuits and the bottle of juice.

“T-thank you…”

She didn’t seem to notice my words, once again lost in her tablet. Was she spending her days reading poetry? If so, it was weird. I glanced at her. But considering everything else, her love for Heian poetry was probably the least weird thing about her.

I should probably go to bed, but I wasn’t tired, even though my body felt stiff and ached after sitting in that position for who knows how long. I sighed and stretched my legs.

What was going on with me? Why was my mind always playing strange tricks with me? It was terrifying, and I’d never got used to it, even though it had been happening for as long as I could remember. Riding in a car made it worse, but new places and situations could also trigger it. Sometimes I had wanted to tell my aunt about it, but I never brought myself to do so, not wanting to bother her with something so childish.

I was good at hiding it, so no one rarely noticed anything, and when they did, my soft smile and a few empty words reassured them I was fine. I was a perfect student, and people preferred to believe that image rather than enquire into something they didn’t want to know.

Xiaolian would probably forget about it too or, like everyone else, pretend it didn’t happen. I glanced at her. To my surprise, she was lying on the bed, watching me with a curious expression, but she turned away the moment she noticed my gaze. I blinked, startled by her sudden attention directed at me. For how long had she been observing me?

“Shall we go to sleep? It’s getting late,” I muttered, hoping that the darkness would hide me from her eyes.

“Sure. You must be tired.”

She got up and walked to her wardrobe.

“Could you... Could you look away?”

She gave me a shy glance. I nodded and turned my head and closed my eyes. I heard the wardrobe door click open, followed by the rustling of fabric. Suddenly, the soft scent of jasmine and autumn rain filled my senses. Was that the soap she used? No, it couldn’t be, but the familiarity of the scent relaxed my body and brought back those unnamed memories that felt so familiar yet alien at the same time.

I heard her soft footsteps, followed by the rustling of the bedsheet, and I opened my eyes only to be met by a shy smile.

“Good night, Yuna…”

“Good night, Xiaolian."

I forced myself to smile as her gaze lingered on me, then quickly lay down and pulled my duvet over my head. I turned off the lights, hoping the darkness would hide me from her gaze.