Snowstorm

October 14th - Tanaka Reiko

When I saw the fighting going on in the small park I didn't really understand what was happening. Then a person I didn't even know threw herself in harms way to save Kiyomi and didn't survive it. That made me realize that none of this was a game and that maybe Suzuki was right when he told me that I wasn't useful to them and that I should stay out of it. After everything was over I didn't feel very good and so I had my mother pick me up instead of staying in the house with everyone else. Part of me didn't want to face everyone after what had happened, but another part of me really did feel strange. The battle clearly affected me, but it seemed not only in a psychologically, but also physically. I felt a strange sensation inside of me, warm and cold at the same time, but the cold seemed to grow stronger and stronger over time and when I finally got home I went straight to bed and pulled every blanket over me that I had and I still didn't feel warm. It felt like getting a cold, but a lot stronger. What was happening to me? At the same time my thoughts grew more and more confused. Were Suzuki and Kiyomi really my friends? Or did they just want to get rid of me to have some time alone? Was I just trying to force myself between them because I was afraid of being alone? What would I do if they truly abandoned me? Despite my self assured behavior I didn't really have a lot of confidence in myself and not really any friends except for Kiyomi and now Suzuki. And when we were at his house to celebrate his birthday I felt part of something like I never had before and I was hoping that I could savor this feeling for a long time. But now everything felt so far away and in my heart a feeling of loneliness took hold that threatened to overwrite every other sensation. I felt like I had to scream, but at the same time my insides were freezing and I couldn't get a word out. But the pressure to scream to rid myself of all those conflicting feelings that were inside of me grew stronger and stronger and now I was cowering on my bed trying to keep it together somehow, but I felt like I was losing the battle and finally I just couldn't stop myself anymore and whatever icy barrier was holding my emotions back inside of me broke and I let out a scream like I had never heard it of myself before and at the same time I could feel how the room around me was filling up with snow and ice and I didn't know what was happening to me. It was like I was in a snowstorm and in the center of it all I was screaming my lungs out in pain and desperation because I didn't know what was going on. After what maybe was a couple of minutes the door flew open and my mother was standing there, trying to protect herself against the storm the snowstorm I conjured. I was desperately looking at her to help me, but she was looking back at me seemingly helpless herself.

“Reiko, what is happening.” I barely heard her words through the commotion. I couldn't answer either as I was still screaming even though I wanted to stop and talk to my mom, but I lost all control over myself.

“Reiko, I'm gonna call for help. Please hang on.” Then I saw my mother disappearing and the door closing again. Who was she going to call? Who could help someone like me now? Did I even deserve help? Meanwhile the room filled with more and more snow and ice and I was threatened to be buried in my own snowstorm. At the same time I didn't feel cold anymore. Somehow all the snow and ice around me felt comfortable and like home, a sensation I had never felt before and now I could also stop screaming my lungs out. I was still cowering on my bed, but I felt like the pressure that was inside of me before was gone and now I was just an empty vessel that was waiting to be buried in an avalanche of my own creation. I felt really sleepy all the sudden as well and all the snow around me started to feel like a comfortable pillow and blanket that invited me to rest on it. 

Somewhere in my mind there was a light telling me that what I was doing was deadly and that I needed to get out of the snow and out of this room, but that little light was too weak to really make any difference and so I was laying down my head on the pillow of snow and I felt my consciousness drift away and I never felt so at peace. If I were to never wake up again, I wouldn't have any complaints right now. But then the light inside me started to grow stronger and suddenly the realization that I was about to throw away my life in this icy prison became apparent to me and I was panicking. I needed to get out of here but the snowstorm was still going and I had no idea how to stop it. 

More and more snow was covering my body and now the fear of death took hold of me. All the peace and tranquility I had felt just moments earlier was replaced by a rush of adrenaline and the feeling of being alive like I had never felt it before. Suddenly I felt like I gained control over my voice again and I screamed for help as loud as I could. Please. Someone help me. Kiyomi. Suzuki. Someone. Please take me out of here. Please. I didn't want to die. I wanted to be with you and laugh and have fun and play pranks and be angry and be annoyed and so much more so please come and save me. Please.